Now Playing: good & evil (album)- tally hall

h'okay so

read the past page of entries, from when i was still in high school till now

and like, not that there are MANY entries between now and then (8 years............................) but there's enough to give me those awkward/helpful feelings of recollection. perspective shit, etc. some of it really wasn't that long ago and feels pretty fresh, but it's always good to look back if you're feeling a certain way. like, damn, that jerk has it worse than i do. at least i'm not them. except in this case the jerk is me of the past lmao...

tbh things are, in general? 

not....bad....for me. to be HONEST the only real cruddy thing in my life currently is my dumb credit card debt, which still exists, from when i was jobless in 2015. i basically max'd out the card and have been paying shitty interest amounts since then and boy that sucks a giant asshole. literally all of my, breakdowns (I know recognize these moments as anxiety! which i totally have! ah wisdom) have to do with money/rent/money/money/money endlessly...

school is going well, going to go back for another 2 years to specialize in my 'trade' or whatever. art!!!!!!! ART SCHOOL. been living off of student loan money, etc. i actually DO have a part time job but hours have been scant lately (that time o'year). and i actually don't hate the job, it's rather cozy and soft for a softie like me. downside is, as per, it's minimum wage. kinda tired of being a minimum wage bitch but shrug. hours will pick up. someday i won't be paying the bank hundreds of dollars every few months :) :)

i'm not doing a good job of describing my 'not bad' status but like. cut out my third roommate from the city, as she ended up being a total fucko and jerked my other roommate (and best of friends) around in a major way. plus i didn't really enjoy living with her so, i'm not too upset. i'm upset on my bestie's behalf but otherwise....ciao binch

uuuuuuuuuuuuuh then my roommate dated my BROTHER which, admittedly, sucked a dong but that's since dissolved as well. yay!

but like okay gENERALLY life is much better on a brain level, taking SSRIs has really helped me and i feel much less like, a bag of shit. and things feel less vaguely hopeless, etc. apparently that's not normal lol

been working with musicians and friends and making art and now i'm going to be working on a cool project with THAT MUSICIAN i was talking about in the last entry. he's gone from, distant beautiful man i admired, to. hmm.

that situation is......................................complicated! immensely complicated and i don't know if i feel like going into the intricacies of it all on here because well, the person reading this is me and hopefully future me remembers all this shit to some extent (i mean there's a lot of tiny dramas, constantly, but like in general).  future me may also still be doin shit with said musician so this may be extra funny or extra cringey depending on how this all ends up. here's some self-awareness for you, future me, in case this goes south. at least i'm AWARE this has the potential to go incredibly south

but right now there's still this nagging sense that this is what i'm supposed to be doing, what i should be pursuing. if anything, it has been an incredible adventure and i've made some great friends otherwise. and this music is what has propelled me into my future in this positive way, momentum. and i'm so greatful. 

anyway maybe i should mention that this has the potential to be REALLY FUCKING GREAT also so i will say that!!!!!! right now, at least in this moment, i am meant to be working on a video for him so. i hope that happens!

this is so much vague bs aha ;; but i know the point of this diary or whatever is to just, get, emotions off of my chest. it's nice to come here under much less turbulent circumstances

anyway i'm gonna hit the hay

who the hell knows when i'll be back !