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well it's the middle of the afternoon instead of 4 am like my usual posts because apparently i can't even wait till i'm in bed moping to make one of these
i'm in such a fucking pickle and i don't know what the right course of action is. i sit at a very crucial juncture in my life and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. my two biggest options are both pretty life changing, and are both born out of desperation
let's see: i graduated high school and immediately went into university to work on a bachelor's degree. i finished that reasonably well, albeit with some disillusionment on the whole system of education and with not much brightness on the horizon in regards to appropriate jobs opening up. sure enough, i move to a big city away from home with two of my friends and immediately all i can find are crappy minimum wage jobs, and i secure one. i work at this crappy minimum wage job for a year, the entire time miserable and feeling like garbage, confused and sad and pretty broke.
we move again the next september, across the city. i gather a small(ish) debt from moving, takes me about a month and a half to find a new job. i'm paid a little more there, but barely still above minimum, and it's only a seasonal job. two of my roommates also work there, one of which started in july, and is promoted in november to core staff. their pay goes up rather dramatically. the job is far away from home and tires my body out. the atmosphere isn't super but it's better than my previous job. other roommate and i work until february, when we are laid off. i had just managed to pay off all my credit card debt. i still owed the roommate (who has the high paying job now!) roughly the same amount of money i had owed on my credit card in october. i still owe them that.
it is now mid april, and i'm still without work. my bank account is empty, and i have no way to pay rent at the end of this month. i have accrued roughly the same amount of debt on my credit card that i had in september, and i still owe my roommate almost the same amount.
i've applied and applied and applied and nobody has called me back. during the past few months my 'for sure' university plans have pooped out somewhat, due to travel distance and lack of real enthusiasm for the concept. disillusionment.
since the summer my parents (and brother) have been /suggesting/ i join the military. i was a military brat growing up and all during that time i HATED the military and vowed never to join it. i still hate the idea. i hate it so much. but. i'd have a decent salary. with my degree i'd be an officer instantly. i could move up in rank. make more. downside: literally everything else about the military
my other option is to get a loan and find something to take in a college or univerity. get my master's or find a trade. the problem with that is i have basically no interest in ANY particular thing. nothing sounds feasible to strap myself down to a lifetime of, nothing sounds worth giving myself a massive debt to pay off for most of my life.
but i don't think i can do retail life either. i hate myself and it makes me feel even more worthless to be working for 11 dollars an hour, especially with a degree. it makes me feel even more worthless that fucking nobody pushing these shitty jobs has EVEN CALLED ME. what does that say about my value
i'm getting fucking fat and i'm sad and poor and in increasing debt and yet i can't bring myself to apply to fast food places because somehow through all of this i have this fucking PRIDE that doesn't want to stoop low enough to save myself. it's like i'd rather die. i can't believe this
even reading all this it's like, duh, join the military. but holy shit. there are so. many. consequences that choice would present me with. bad ones. the thought is fucking repulsive. but it's assuredness is compelling. unlike the uni option, which hey, i might not even be able to get a job with TWO degrees! it's possible in this economy.
last week or something three of us discussed going to england or something. to live for a bit. travel. i mean i still wouldn't be able to have a steady job or anything obvs, but the other two are with jobs they can transfer from. and they are both more than entry level, fucking lucky assholes. here i am still searching for crap work. ksfjklgjlkf argh god and they're dating and have each other like fuck me entirely why not
ANYWAY. i didn't want to get into that crap in this entry for once.
ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE WORST. the WORST. is that my roommate, the one who DIDN'T go to university and spent most of their time in high school doing drugs and is 3 years younger than me is likely to get promoted again soon at work and is currently making a shitton more than any of us in our apartment. and has also had a fair share of partners and is dating my other roommate.
MEANWHILE, ME, UNIVERISTY GRADUATE, VIRGIN, JOBLESS. NOT EVEN ENTRY LEVEL THINGS WANT ME. I'M PROBABLY GONNA END UP WORKING AT MCDONALDS IF I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THE NEXT WEEK. oh GOD it makes me want to!!!!!!!
like what the fuck do i have to do, universe???? what is wrong with me, why is this my life
Posted by klunkycompu13
at 2:12 PM EDT