Now Playing: souk eye-- gorillaz

okay so

uh. 

boy. Christmas time. I'm back here.... it's been. some kind of year. 2018 was so much. not all bad though! so much good.

it's just been a lot

that musician stayed with us for a month. it was wonderful and awful and overwhelming and I miss him with an ache foreign to me

it's tropey to be so very into someone and it makes me feel incredibly ordinary but he's so violently different that surely what I'm feeling isn't the usual boring emotion that everyone calls love? unless this is the only way I can feel it, for someone this complicated and fascinating and beautiful. no one else is like this. I don't want anyone else. he's the only person that has interested me outside of the occasional random compelling stranger passing by. I wonder what that is, that I'm so selective in my interest. interest isn't the right word, it's more of a primal inclination like there's something drawing me to these rare individuals

it's so lonely. I wish I could find myself looking at more people, to feel that interest expanded to something healthy and satisfying and wholesome instead of being alone all the time, expending energy into these selective few, unreciprocated. 

he...I don't even think he was uninterested which is another aggravating factor. my God a man was not totally repelled by me

it was just too complicated

I can still feel his skin under my hands, smoothing down his back, sharp smell of Wintergreen

 

Now Playing: humility- gorillaz

i don't feel the compulsion to vent on here that i usually do, it's just that i remembered this thing and therefore had to write an entry. seems the tradition

uhhh what to say. went on a trip with my roommate and a friend of ours online, that was super fucking fun. nearly met the musician man....that was interesting. ah well. you know all about it 

maybe i'm a little tired. i've started going to the gym at night with my brother in an attempt to like, defattify. etc. also to boost my mood maybe

i'm currently taking anti anxiety/depression meds and they had been working enough, i would say. i'm also on month....4? of birth control, and it seems like maybe some of my depression symptoms have returned (sleeping too much....). i do recall that before when i tried birth control it aggravated my depression so i'm wondering if (despite the fact that i'm on meds as well as it being different birth control) it is doing the same this time too.

exercise SHOULD help my mood though, right

 

yeah idk if this entry was necessary i'm just chillin 

Now Playing: good & evil (album)- tally hall

h'okay so

read the past page of entries, from when i was still in high school till now

and like, not that there are MANY entries between now and then (8 years............................) but there's enough to give me those awkward/helpful feelings of recollection. perspective shit, etc. some of it really wasn't that long ago and feels pretty fresh, but it's always good to look back if you're feeling a certain way. like, damn, that jerk has it worse than i do. at least i'm not them. except in this case the jerk is me of the past lmao...

tbh things are, in general? 

not....bad....for me. to be HONEST the only real cruddy thing in my life currently is my dumb credit card debt, which still exists, from when i was jobless in 2015. i basically max'd out the card and have been paying shitty interest amounts since then and boy that sucks a giant asshole. literally all of my, breakdowns (I know recognize these moments as anxiety! which i totally have! ah wisdom) have to do with money/rent/money/money/money endlessly...

school is going well, going to go back for another 2 years to specialize in my 'trade' or whatever. art!!!!!!! ART SCHOOL. been living off of student loan money, etc. i actually DO have a part time job but hours have been scant lately (that time o'year). and i actually don't hate the job, it's rather cozy and soft for a softie like me. downside is, as per, it's minimum wage. kinda tired of being a minimum wage bitch but shrug. hours will pick up. someday i won't be paying the bank hundreds of dollars every few months :) :)

i'm not doing a good job of describing my 'not bad' status but like. cut out my third roommate from the city, as she ended up being a total fucko and jerked my other roommate (and best of friends) around in a major way. plus i didn't really enjoy living with her so, i'm not too upset. i'm upset on my bestie's behalf but otherwise....ciao binch

uuuuuuuuuuuuuh then my roommate dated my BROTHER which, admittedly, sucked a dong but that's since dissolved as well. yay!

but like okay gENERALLY life is much better on a brain level, taking SSRIs has really helped me and i feel much less like, a bag of shit. and things feel less vaguely hopeless, etc. apparently that's not normal lol

been working with musicians and friends and making art and now i'm going to be working on a cool project with THAT MUSICIAN i was talking about in the last entry. he's gone from, distant beautiful man i admired, to. hmm.

that situation is......................................complicated! immensely complicated and i don't know if i feel like going into the intricacies of it all on here because well, the person reading this is me and hopefully future me remembers all this shit to some extent (i mean there's a lot of tiny dramas, constantly, but like in general).  future me may also still be doin shit with said musician so this may be extra funny or extra cringey depending on how this all ends up. here's some self-awareness for you, future me, in case this goes south. at least i'm AWARE this has the potential to go incredibly south

but right now there's still this nagging sense that this is what i'm supposed to be doing, what i should be pursuing. if anything, it has been an incredible adventure and i've made some great friends otherwise. and this music is what has propelled me into my future in this positive way, momentum. and i'm so greatful. 

anyway maybe i should mention that this has the potential to be REALLY FUCKING GREAT also so i will say that!!!!!! right now, at least in this moment, i am meant to be working on a video for him so. i hope that happens!

this is so much vague bs aha ;; but i know the point of this diary or whatever is to just, get, emotions off of my chest. it's nice to come here under much less turbulent circumstances

anyway i'm gonna hit the hay

who the hell knows when i'll be back !

 

suddenly remembering this blog exists is always a time

 i honestly didn't realize it had been over a year since i'd last posted in here...i have been. busy

well okay there were extended periods in which i wasn't busy, but now i /am/, thank god.

not that this blog is meticulous in its record keeping but this past year has been ---SOMETHIN. nobody is reading this but, don't get your hopes up: still a big ol virgin walking. lmao whatever i still whine about that on occasion but tbh for the most part it's like. whatever. i guess it's my destiny

that's such a bunch of bull lol i'm trying to make myself sound chiller than i actually am. i guess the REAL truth is that i've been kept occupied by life enough that pining after that mythical 'boyfriend' figure hasn't been a thing.

 wow that is also BULLSHIT i am something else all right

fuck the real truth is that i fell hard into bandom and have been obsessed with a band and one singer in particular since last october and it's changed my goddamn LIFE

most of my boyfriend pining has been condensed into pining after this one particular man, and that singular focus has been a blessing in that at least, FINALLY, i can daydream with some weight behind it. i hadn't liked anyone since HIGH SCHOOL. been in as much love with a person as you can be without personally knowing them for over a year now

i WOULD choose someone totally bad for me to fall hard for. he's....a bag of issues. also older than me by 10 years. also barely knows i exist. but honestly this is so much better than having absolutely nothing. and that's sad

but ANYWAY. getting into this band was like, a bizarre blessing. it ...opened my eyes and allowed me to think about what was important to me, and gave me some drive. 

without going into tremendous detail (why would i bother if i'm the only one reading this), it's all resulted in 1) us moving out of the city and back home, 2) applying for student loans, 3) starting school this past month 4) making art and being happier

 which is pretty rad. i also started taking anti depressants/ anti anxiety meds which, HEY, actually work. i feel much less like a bag of turds for the most part? interesting side effects, but for the most part it's good. in more debt than EVER, looking for work AGAIN, but. i don't feel the same crushing feeling of dread and doom i used to feel

i've been slowly trying to make myself known in the particular music front, making aquaintences, taking my meds, going to art school, picking myself up. doing something with myself

fuck yes 

Now Playing: spring and a storm- tally hall

i guess this is turning into a monthly affair instead of every three years. idk if that says anything about my mental state haha

 i realized today as i was frantically and stressfully trying to sew for an upcoming con that i have no idea how to be happy

i got a job at the start of this month. it's more than minimum wage, and it goes up by a bit after 3 months. it's not fast food or anything and it's not physically strenuous. colleagues are all super friendly and the atmosphere is pretty nice considering its sales. but my god. it;s fucking stressful. it's been a month of being on the verge of losing it. i even busted up crying last week because i couldn't handle making mistakes in front of my very aggressive trainer. they sent me home for the day. they LITERALLY sent me home because i couldn't pull myself together. it's been better since then, admittedly, i'm getting the hang of the job and there's benefits and incentives and stuff. office work.

i should be able to pay off my various debts (credit card is HORRRIIBBBLE right now, the worst its ever been, really really bad) over the next few months if i don't leave this job, so that's good.

i just. can't seem to view all this positively. i feel exhausted. it's getting warmer and to my horror i am uncomfortably warm to and from work and it's disgusting, especially too now that i'm so heavy. i'm not like, FAT, but i am approaching it. i'm a big woman by genes, i'm very tall and curvy and i've never been slender, but now? hooo boy.  yikes...so that's not been making me feel super about myself. p sure i've been over this before but w/e

and as ever. AS EVER....now i'm 24 and a virgin :))))))) hahahhahahhhahah......

ugh i wanted to rant more about the whole, lack of happiness thing instead of just a general life update but i'm fucking falling asleep. all my shifts at work thus far have been early morning-supper shifts so i get up in the morning and shit. it's 11 and i'm pooped. lame 

Now Playing: oppa toby style- homestuck collide

well it's the middle of the afternoon instead of 4 am like my usual posts because apparently i can't even wait till i'm in bed moping to make one of these

 i'm in such a fucking pickle and i don't know what the right course of action is. i sit at a very crucial juncture in my life and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. my two biggest options are both pretty life changing, and are both born out of desperation

let's see: i graduated high school and immediately went into university to work on a bachelor's degree. i finished that reasonably well, albeit with some disillusionment on the whole system of education and with not much brightness on the horizon in regards to appropriate jobs opening up. sure enough, i move to a big city away from home with two of my friends and immediately all i can find are crappy minimum wage jobs, and i secure one. i work at this crappy minimum wage job for a year, the entire time miserable and feeling like garbage, confused and sad and pretty broke.

we move again the next september, across the city. i gather a small(ish) debt from moving, takes me about a month and a half to find a new job. i'm paid a little more there, but barely still above minimum, and it's only a seasonal job. two of my roommates also work there, one of which started in july, and is promoted in november to core staff. their pay goes up rather dramatically. the job is far away from home and tires my body out. the atmosphere isn't super but it's better than my previous job. other roommate and i work until february, when we are laid off. i had just managed to pay off all my credit card debt. i still owed the roommate (who has the high paying job now!) roughly the same amount of money i had owed on my credit card in october. i still owe them that.

it is now mid april, and i'm still without work. my bank account is empty, and i have no way to pay rent at the end of this month. i have accrued roughly the same amount of debt on my credit card that i had in september, and i still owe my roommate almost the same amount. 

i've applied and applied and applied and nobody has called me back. during the past few months my 'for sure' university plans have pooped out somewhat, due to travel distance and lack of real enthusiasm for the concept. disillusionment.

since the summer my parents (and brother) have been /suggesting/ i join the military. i was a military brat growing up and all during that time i HATED the military and vowed never to join it. i still hate the idea. i hate it so much. but. i'd have a decent salary. with my degree i'd be an officer instantly. i could move up in rank. make more. downside: literally everything else about the military

my other option is to get a loan and find something to take in a college or univerity. get my master's or find a trade. the problem with that is i have basically no interest in ANY particular thing. nothing sounds feasible to strap myself down to a lifetime of, nothing sounds worth giving myself a massive debt to pay off for most of my life.

but i don't think i can do retail life either. i hate myself and it makes me feel even more worthless to be working for 11 dollars an hour, especially with a degree. it makes me feel even more worthless that fucking nobody pushing these shitty jobs has EVEN CALLED ME. what does that say about my value

i'm getting fucking fat and i'm sad and poor and in increasing debt and yet i can't bring myself to apply to fast food places because somehow through all of this i have this fucking PRIDE that doesn't want to stoop low enough to save myself. it's like i'd rather die. i can't believe this

even reading all this it's like, duh, join the military. but holy shit. there are so. many. consequences that choice would present me with. bad ones. the thought is fucking repulsive. but it's assuredness is compelling. unlike the uni option, which hey, i might not even be able to get a job with TWO degrees! it's possible in this economy. 

last week or something three of us discussed going to england or something. to live for a bit. travel. i mean i still wouldn't be able to have a steady job or anything obvs, but the other two are with jobs they can transfer from. and they are both more than entry level, fucking lucky assholes. here i am still searching for crap work. ksfjklgjlkf argh god and they're dating and have each other like fuck me entirely why not

 ANYWAY. i didn't want to get into that crap in this entry for once.

ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE WORST. the WORST. is that my roommate, the one who DIDN'T go to university and spent most of their time in high school doing drugs and is 3 years younger than me is likely to get promoted again soon at work and is currently making a shitton more than any of us in our apartment. and has also had a fair share of partners and is dating my other roommate.

MEANWHILE, ME, UNIVERISTY GRADUATE, VIRGIN, JOBLESS. NOT EVEN ENTRY LEVEL THINGS WANT ME. I'M PROBABLY GONNA END UP WORKING AT MCDONALDS IF I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THE NEXT WEEK. oh GOD it makes me want to!!!!!!!

like what the fuck do i have to do, universe???? what is wrong with me, why is this my life 

Now Playing: two men in love- the irrepressibles

once more i return to attempt to ease the crushing WEIGHT in my chest

is it a heart attack? possibly.

dramatic. honestly it's probably some kind of low scale anxiety attack. but that would be admitting i might have anxiety. or depression (undoubtedly). that would mean owning up to some actual issues i might carry.

but nah.

anyway, on with it. i was let go from my seasonal job last month. i don't have quite enough money left in my bank account to pay rent for next month. i had finally eliminated my credit card debt but since being laid off i've had to use it to fucking feed myself so hey, back in debt. not to mention the preexisting debt to my roommate, which is sizable. i've been mooching as many art commissions as possible from people online, and while it helped, i still need a lot to even cover just rent. due to lack of notice from my job as to when i was going to be laid off, i wasn't able to save even a bit to help myself between jobs :))) so!!! hence the panic!! it's been a month and no job yet. parents are unsympathetic and won't help. plus they are going through their own shitty money shit right now too so!! hahaha....what the fuck do i do? :)

man what else. i'm fatter than ever, hooray. lack of exercise, depression, binge snacking while i loaf around reading or drawing, yeah. so the extra weight tacked on makes me feel super about myself, really adds that bonus hatred to my already non existent self esteem. which, i am not kidding, really is non existent because boy did i ever get handed a crummy set to deal with when i was born. mmmm. still haven't ...fixed....the thing that freaks me out most, haven't seen any doctors about it or mentioned its existence to anyone but my mother (who doesn't believe me, due to my own somewhat decent ability to hide it i guess??) and inqueries online seem to point to be it being pretty incurable so! it plagues me, makes me shy, hide from everything, outings, cute clothes, interactions. and god thats not even taking in all of my physical shortcomings ((many!!!))

rolling along, getting to the usual, i am so lonely. so alone. if i wasn't self conscious and trying to hide all the time, maybe....maybe i'd be able to actually date. the rest of my bodily issues, idk, could be overlooked. but not this. 

god. i read a sex scene in this book series i am currently obsessed with. and it was. so. tender. so sweet. it's painful.

it hurts because it's something i yearn for and it's something i've NEVER had. i've never experienced intimacy or love of that sort. my god. i feel, so fucked up ??? because of this??? and it's NORMAL by now to have gone through a few relationships. to have had sex. it's a thing people talk about casually as part of their day to day lives!!!! BUT I CAN'T. people my age are married with kids now!! most people from my high school ARE married or have kids or both. here i am. my birthday is in two months and i'll be 24. TWENTY FOUR

like and okay it's not enough that i shy away from people because of this STUPID FUCKING PROBLEM of mine that can't be fixed, but, ALSO, i'm fucking rarely ever attracted to people?? people tell me to try online dating but fuck me if i can tell if someone is interesting from a picture. i can't. and even people i see around me....i find myself drawn to pieces of people as opposed to the whole thing. like someone's hands, or their eyes, or their hair, etc. never a whole person. it's...worrisome. i have no idea what you'd call that. demi? not really. ace? no, the urge to fuck does indeed exist. freakish??? plus man whenever i DO happen to see someone i actually find attractive there comes the crippling problem! :)) and then the inadequacy, like this person wouldn't ever see me so what's the point

and ahaha oh goodness, sure, as i get older i find myself growing more bitter and intolerant. of even friends. i leave no room for imperfections, for quirks, for the things that make people human. it all irritates me.

i'm sinking, i'm sinking down and down and i can't seem to bring myself up

meanwhile i continue to feel this, literal DEFICIT in my life because i'm so lonely. it's fucked up, it feels like an obsession. most single people seem lonely, but at least, not like there's this piece of their lives missing like i do?? and i can't tell if it's because i've built relationships up to be something they're not in my own head due to my LACK OF EVER HAVING ONE, or...like would a relationship even make me happy? would one even, satisfy me? in all the ways i demand, or expect? i know i'm unreasonable, i know i have these ridiculous expectations, but. how can you just shake that off

fucking christ.  

i sound like some crummy 13 year old with a long bang when i say this but it just feels like i'm twisting more and more as i get older and i don't...know how to make myself feel better. about myself and about life. it all just feels so hopeless.

Now Playing: teardrop-massive attack

idk what it is about this particular blogging platform that keeps me coming back when i need to vent but here we are

i guess the anonymity is appealing. as well as the fact that nobody is reading this. i can post it on the internet, with the potential to be read, but it won't be. somehow that combination makes me feel all right about all this? it doesn't feel as futile as writing in a diary, for instance. nobody would read that, EVER, unless accidentally picked up by a family or friend (in which case arranging for my swift death would be kind). this way...someone i don't know could find it, but it's still super unlikely. so hooray.

anyway. i've moved again since last post, to a nicer apartment, and gained another roommate. my 3 best friends live with me. i've got a cute kitty. i've got more space. a decent desk and a floor that isn't tilted, unlike before. after a tense month of searching for employment i found a seasonal job that actually pays me much more than my previous job. so by all means i SHOULD be fucking happy but

YOU KNOW

i just can't be cos. that'd be impossible.

i accured a big fat debt moving, and i owe my roommate a bunch of money for helping me live since the move and since my big fat debt acquisition. My slightly bigger paychecks pretty well have all gone to chipping away at my debt, leaving me no spending money aside from food. so like all my shit is tattered and i have no nice clothes and not to mention my job is seasonal and no matter how well i seem to be doing there, who knows if i'll be kept on? with my luck probably not. so cool, i've still got debt and rent to pay and i somehow need to find another job with nothing in the bank.

UMMMM what the fuck else. ah yes, i've lowkey been feeling off physically in a certain manner for the past like two and a half months, since just before we moved. so that's been a constant stresser for me, wondering what is wrong, putting off going to a doctor due to embarrassment and shyness, giving myself so much...so much stress. always hovering in the background whenever i felt a pang of this off-feeling. today i finally bucked the fuck up and went to a clinic, feeling like i was going to die sitting there waiting for the doctor. eventually he showed up and yeah well. now i wait for results to see if anything is actually up. both he and my mother think it's nothing but a small deviation of the usual but mkay. i'll just tack on this extra pile of stress onto my already heaping mound as i wait for the call.

so yeah! i'm uncomfortably broke, i'm uncomfortable physically, and fucking you know, the usual, uncomfortably single. LIFE.

there's a program at a school i want to take. hopefully this year coming up. but i have to look into burseries and loans and stuff, and also it sort of implies you need a good looking portfolio. which i want to bolster by working on stuff but. working on stuff requires money. which i don't HAVE. so there's THAT sticky loop to slap around too like. fucking god i don't even know what to do with myself i need to live a more fulfilling existence somehow. i want to be well off and comfortable and. happy. living on nothing and working stupid shit jobs sounds awful but so does working 9-5 at some depressing job to make slightly better money sounds shitty too so that is why i want to take this particular program because the line of work is lucrative if you can get into it and have talent, which i think i could have. and it would be a fun way to live my life. i hope to god it works out. i could use something good.... 

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: work song- hozier

haha

you know what's a SUPER FUNNY THING

i'm 23 now.

this blog is ten fucking years old.

you know what else is funny?

still haven't had a boyfriend.

 

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

it's great because. life goes on, 'having a boyfriend' stopped being at the forefront of my mind a long time ago. other issues cropped up, other lovely bits of day-to-day monotony occupying me throughout the years...

but still. still there are many days where i can't stand the sight of my roommates and their affection towards each other, so many nights where i lie awake, so alone i feel a literal deficit beside me under the covers

i watch tv, movies, read, etc. add to my collection of fictional husbands and boyfriends, laugh it off with friends like haha here they are, the men in my life

it's a weird thing to consider that i have literally never HAD a man in my life. i've been on a few dates. i've kissed a variety of people. i've never felt...anything. the single time i was interested in someone and they were interested back, when i kissed him i felt absolutely nothing. later, when i kissed my roommates under the influence of various things, it felt the exact same.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm just. busted. i'm already quite freakish in a number of ways that would make being in a real relationship interesting, my partner would have to be either totally desperate or extremely tolerating...and what if after all of that i can't even feel anything for them, physically? after all of the pining, the lusting, the loneliness i've felt over the years it turns out i'm unable to 'get it up'?

while i'm on the tmi train, as i guess i've always been on this blog, i can't even orgasm! :D  touching myself has never felt like anything, at least nothing i would categorize as 'good'. masturbating is boring to me, SOMEHOW. i've even purchased assorted sex toys, you know, in hopes that something would at least bring me this small measure of happiness?? since no dude would ever contribute to that, and masturbation is supposedly super important and blah blah blah but yeah man nothing even feels good. stuff sits in my drawer, unused. 

i am the silent giant in the room, the reserved, intimidating factor. ten years of it.

god. i've graduated university. i have a degree. i moved out to the big city with some friends. we are making it, even if my retail job makes me completely miserable, makes me want to utterly quit reality sometimes. i can't even bring myself to go into work somedays. my retail job also brings me no money.

broke and lonely. i guess this is adulthood for the unfortunate, kids. at least my roommates are broke and have each other. they have someone to roll into at night, to hold them. they have someone for them.

you know what's interesting? my old friend kaits is in the exact same position i am in. we've both been single and sad all these years. i have since made another friend, my very close friend, who is ALSO the same.

what is it about us? we aren't ugly, we aren't stupid, we aren't freaks...and boy, i have seen some freaks in relationships. even freaks find each other.

maybe that's why i'm Forever Single. maybe everyone can tell i'm just super crusty inside.

whatever. i've spent the past ten years asking myself what it is about me that makes me so unlikeable. it's highly probably i'm going to continue to ask myself this for the next ten. lonely. broke. years.  

Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that.
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: My December- Linkin Park
SO tired.....and SOOOO crampy. I hate periods. They fucking suck. Just wanted to point  that out. On a side note, I'm going to go see Linkin Park in a few days. For real. I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like my life is now complete. Well, it'd be more complete if I were going with a guy, but... :)