suddenly remembering this blog exists is always a time

 i honestly didn't realize it had been over a year since i'd last posted in here...i have been. busy

well okay there were extended periods in which i wasn't busy, but now i /am/, thank god.

not that this blog is meticulous in its record keeping but this past year has been ---SOMETHIN. nobody is reading this but, don't get your hopes up: still a big ol virgin walking. lmao whatever i still whine about that on occasion but tbh for the most part it's like. whatever. i guess it's my destiny

that's such a bunch of bull lol i'm trying to make myself sound chiller than i actually am. i guess the REAL truth is that i've been kept occupied by life enough that pining after that mythical 'boyfriend' figure hasn't been a thing.

 wow that is also BULLSHIT i am something else all right

fuck the real truth is that i fell hard into bandom and have been obsessed with a band and one singer in particular since last october and it's changed my goddamn LIFE

most of my boyfriend pining has been condensed into pining after this one particular man, and that singular focus has been a blessing in that at least, FINALLY, i can daydream with some weight behind it. i hadn't liked anyone since HIGH SCHOOL. been in as much love with a person as you can be without personally knowing them for over a year now

i WOULD choose someone totally bad for me to fall hard for. he's....a bag of issues. also older than me by 10 years. also barely knows i exist. but honestly this is so much better than having absolutely nothing. and that's sad

but ANYWAY. getting into this band was like, a bizarre blessing. it ...opened my eyes and allowed me to think about what was important to me, and gave me some drive. 

without going into tremendous detail (why would i bother if i'm the only one reading this), it's all resulted in 1) us moving out of the city and back home, 2) applying for student loans, 3) starting school this past month 4) making art and being happier

 which is pretty rad. i also started taking anti depressants/ anti anxiety meds which, HEY, actually work. i feel much less like a bag of turds for the most part? interesting side effects, but for the most part it's good. in more debt than EVER, looking for work AGAIN, but. i don't feel the same crushing feeling of dread and doom i used to feel

i've been slowly trying to make myself known in the particular music front, making aquaintences, taking my meds, going to art school, picking myself up. doing something with myself

fuck yes