Now Playing: souk eye-- gorillaz

okay so

uh. 

boy. Christmas time. I'm back here.... it's been. some kind of year. 2018 was so much. not all bad though! so much good.

it's just been a lot

that musician stayed with us for a month. it was wonderful and awful and overwhelming and I miss him with an ache foreign to me

it's tropey to be so very into someone and it makes me feel incredibly ordinary but he's so violently different that surely what I'm feeling isn't the usual boring emotion that everyone calls love? unless this is the only way I can feel it, for someone this complicated and fascinating and beautiful. no one else is like this. I don't want anyone else. he's the only person that has interested me outside of the occasional random compelling stranger passing by. I wonder what that is, that I'm so selective in my interest. interest isn't the right word, it's more of a primal inclination like there's something drawing me to these rare individuals

it's so lonely. I wish I could find myself looking at more people, to feel that interest expanded to something healthy and satisfying and wholesome instead of being alone all the time, expending energy into these selective few, unreciprocated. 

he...I don't even think he was uninterested which is another aggravating factor. my God a man was not totally repelled by me

it was just too complicated

I can still feel his skin under my hands, smoothing down his back, sharp smell of Wintergreen