another hot garbage entry but

i feel diseased like i can't stop thinking about him, us. but i'm so happy, i've never felt this sort of thing before. we had a really intense time together the other night that ended in an argument of sorts. it was really awkward and tense (it was my fuckup entirely and it took a lot of patience and coaxing to get him to open up about what was bothering him) and the entire time i was freaking out because, while i had been thinking i'd been working up to love in the last few weeks of us hanging out that i despised him being unhappy (particularly unhappy at me) and i would be genuinely upset if somehow it never recovered and it just HIT me that i was in love with him and god that is a powerful thing to realize

eventually it ended up such that i was effectively sprawled across his chest, so so comfortable, listening to his heart and his breathing and (yes, we were baked but that aside) i had just this moment of nirvana, i didn't think i'd ever felt that happy and comfortable and just, wholly content as i was in that moment. and i was fully PRESENT there, i wasn't thinking about the future or even about the tense time an hour prior to that which is UNUSUAL for me. i have zero ability to just exist in the current moment and relax fully but i was DOING IT. something about him....i was so so happy. obviously emotions get the better of us but i couldn't help but think then that i'd never been so happy, and that even if somehow we didn't work out how blessed i was to have been able to feel that. to let my guard down enough, to know he cared for me too. what a joy! 

i finally understand why people seek this out, why this is so important. my god. i was so lonely for so long and i thought i didn't need it but i guess if you're starved for a nutrient that is critical for happiness but you've lived without it thus far you don't think it's necessary but wow! wow!

i tilted my face up and finally mananged to say those dang 3 words i'd been stewing on for days and he just said it back so simply and i knew that already cos he'd said it first literally two months ago but !!! that! instant rightness that comes from saying it (a vulnerable admission! is it always a vulnerable admission?) and having the intended party reciprocate!! how...grounding.

we went to breakfast the next morning and talked a bit more at length (since we were no longer high and half asleep) which was needed i think cos there was still some awkwardness left over from the previous night's situation and just, by the time that was over we were two stupid giggly blushy fools and i feel like crying right now typing this. i speared some fries off my plate with my hamburger poker thing and he just looks at me with this disbelief and says "you do that too??" and yes, i do, i just don't do it much cos people always make fun and he said that he always got into shit for doing it too and it's just

i don't think i'll ever be able to fully imagine that eternal monogamy is a thing possible for most people, and by that i mean, statistically the odds of two people staying together, happily, for their whole lives is so unlikely. and i am 29 and this is my first boyfriend (oh yes that was established a few weeks ago yeehaw) so like, if i somehow only ever dated this man (and was happy!) that would be some INSANE luck 

what i'm saying is i am trying not to place all of my emotional cards into this, that i maybe should keep a section of my mind on the possibility that this isn't IT to spare myself at least some pain if it doesn't work out but the problem is despite my practicality i am deeply romantic and i don't think i am personally capable of doing this over and over again

i clearly had a hell of a time even getting to this point even ONCE. i don't think i have it in me to love someone this way many times. i hope we are together for some years at least