Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: work song- hozier

haha

you know what's a SUPER FUNNY THING

i'm 23 now.

this blog is ten fucking years old.

you know what else is funny?

still haven't had a boyfriend.

 

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

it's great because. life goes on, 'having a boyfriend' stopped being at the forefront of my mind a long time ago. other issues cropped up, other lovely bits of day-to-day monotony occupying me throughout the years...

but still. still there are many days where i can't stand the sight of my roommates and their affection towards each other, so many nights where i lie awake, so alone i feel a literal deficit beside me under the covers

i watch tv, movies, read, etc. add to my collection of fictional husbands and boyfriends, laugh it off with friends like haha here they are, the men in my life

it's a weird thing to consider that i have literally never HAD a man in my life. i've been on a few dates. i've kissed a variety of people. i've never felt...anything. the single time i was interested in someone and they were interested back, when i kissed him i felt absolutely nothing. later, when i kissed my roommates under the influence of various things, it felt the exact same.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm just. busted. i'm already quite freakish in a number of ways that would make being in a real relationship interesting, my partner would have to be either totally desperate or extremely tolerating...and what if after all of that i can't even feel anything for them, physically? after all of the pining, the lusting, the loneliness i've felt over the years it turns out i'm unable to 'get it up'?

while i'm on the tmi train, as i guess i've always been on this blog, i can't even orgasm! :D  touching myself has never felt like anything, at least nothing i would categorize as 'good'. masturbating is boring to me, SOMEHOW. i've even purchased assorted sex toys, you know, in hopes that something would at least bring me this small measure of happiness?? since no dude would ever contribute to that, and masturbation is supposedly super important and blah blah blah but yeah man nothing even feels good. stuff sits in my drawer, unused. 

i am the silent giant in the room, the reserved, intimidating factor. ten years of it.

god. i've graduated university. i have a degree. i moved out to the big city with some friends. we are making it, even if my retail job makes me completely miserable, makes me want to utterly quit reality sometimes. i can't even bring myself to go into work somedays. my retail job also brings me no money.

broke and lonely. i guess this is adulthood for the unfortunate, kids. at least my roommates are broke and have each other. they have someone to roll into at night, to hold them. they have someone for them.

you know what's interesting? my old friend kaits is in the exact same position i am in. we've both been single and sad all these years. i have since made another friend, my very close friend, who is ALSO the same.

what is it about us? we aren't ugly, we aren't stupid, we aren't freaks...and boy, i have seen some freaks in relationships. even freaks find each other.

maybe that's why i'm Forever Single. maybe everyone can tell i'm just super crusty inside.

whatever. i've spent the past ten years asking myself what it is about me that makes me so unlikeable. it's highly probably i'm going to continue to ask myself this for the next ten. lonely. broke. years.  

Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that.
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: My December- Linkin Park
SO tired.....and SOOOO crampy. I hate periods. They fucking suck. Just wanted to point  that out. On a side note, I'm going to go see Linkin Park in a few days. For real. I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like my life is now complete. Well, it'd be more complete if I were going with a guy, but... :)

Take it from me.
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Cowboy Casanova- Carrie Underwood

Yes, that's right, you did read that I am listening to Carrie Underwood. Trust me, I'm not converting to country music, I just happen to like that song. Don't panic, people.

Let's see, it's too buttfuck early in the morning and I'm at school. It's slightly necessary at the moment to be here this early(I have to get up at five fucking thirty Monday-Thursday and at THREE THIRTY on Fridays) as my brother has to be at work early and he's my ride to school, so... Yes, so I was sitting here in the student building, bored, and I remembered this silly blog. I really don't know if anyone actually reads this besides myself once in a while, but it's still slightly comforting to come back to it once in a while. I've had this stupid blog for nearly 6 years. Honestly, why hasn't my account been deactivated or the site changed or something? Am I the only one that finds that weird?

I guess what's even weirder is the fact that I still remember my username and password, when I can barely remember my current ones for stuff like email. I'm a spaz like that, I suppose.

Hmm, the song has changed and now I'm listening to Voi Che Sapete. Mah, pretty. That seems slightly bipolar in terms of song choice, but it happened to be next on my iTunes and I haven't bothered to change it. (who's bored? ME!!)

I don't even have any real guy news to report other than I'm still single, and without a crush to make me feel at least a teensy bit better about it. University life doesn't hold the biggest thread of consistency when it comes to seeing the same people everyday, because the classes are so large. However, there are a few hotties I see in my classes each day because they sit in the same places, but alas, do I interact with them? Hells no. I mean, I made eye contact with one the other day, and believe me that was an accomplishment. 

Now it's Into You, by Dead By Sunrise. Which is Chester Bennington of Linkin Park's side band. I actually ended up liking them, even though at first I was a little skeptical. This song is rather pretty.

Alright why the hell am I typing this? There is absolutely NO valid reason.......besides that I have no homework to work on because I did it all on the weekend. Beh. I need a life. I find it so odd that even after almost 6 years I still suck. I mean, crap, I started this when I was 13. It was acceptable to be single at that age, but now, at 18, it seems a little sad. Well, it's not so bad to be single, but to be as sadly green as I am? For realz.

I'm hungry. But Timmies doesn't take damn debit and that's the predominant smell in this building. >> Anyways I should go since one of my friends just showed up and it would be weird for them to discover me typing this pathetic blog. Ciao~

 

Queenie

Weird D:
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Lady GaGa, Linkin Park..

Right, so it's Valentines day....I really HATE this freakin day. It's sucked since like, the fourth grade when people stopped being obliged to give you valentines. I miss those days, because then you were at least GUARENTEED a valentine. Now its all "Buy a rose for your sweetie" at my school, and guess who never gets one??? MAH.

But the good news is I got accepted into University yesterday! Hooray! My future is slowly being planned out for me..but until then I have to endure being in Advanced Math With Calculus at school. Bloody fuck, its beyond me why this shit was even invented in  the first place. I'm only taking because at my university, to get into ANY type of science program(including biology, which is what I want) you need it. As if you use fucking calculus and sequences and crap when you're a surgeon or doctor or something....

*sigh* I had the freakiest dream last night about this guy I've liked since I moved back home, like three years ago. Well actually, there's kinda a story behind this guy. He is actually the ONLY person I've ever gone out with, and that was, sadly, in like grade 4 and 5. BUT! Anyways I've never really forgotten about him, but I didn't really like him(obviously, I lived in the other side of the country) untill we moved back here, where he is, and I saw him again on a regular basis. He's such a great guy, but honestly I don't know how to get him. He's always been nice to me whenever we talk(which is NOT frequent enough, due to me being boring and not having the guts to go up and talk to him myself) and asks questions...I really wish I could grab him for myself. Unfortunately, he's ridiculously popular and cute, so he's perpetually surrounded by girls and friends. Yeah...anyways, my dream last night....I for some reason had changed my first period class and he was in it, and when he walked into the room I heard him say "What is SHE doing here?" and then he was standing right behind me in the crowd(for some reason the entire class was standing in the same corner of the room) and he leaned down and whispered in my ear "Why, of all people, are YOU in this class?" and then I woke up. MAN, it was so weird. 

I keep trying to talk myself into walking up to him and doing something dramatic, like kiss him, or even just telling him I like him, but its not going well. I'll have the entire senario in my head, and then I'll go to school, see him, and totally lose any desire to tell him ANYTHING. I'm such a chicken shit! But I can't help it. I have basically zero confidence, due to the complete LACK of male attention. Jesus, I  mean, at my rate, would anyone be surprised if I thought I was completely hideous?? *GRR*

Okay, I'm good. I just wish my life(espcially in the male department) went a little smoother. I wish that liking a guy was as easy for me as it is the other, prettier, more confident girls.

Geez, I'm totally depressing. I need to read a Cosmo or something :3

Queenie

Huh.
Now Playing: various Adam Lambert songs

You know, I'm not sure which is creepier: the fact that this blog still exists after like, 4 years, or the fact that I still remember the name and password for it. It blows my mind. I only think about this blog every long while, but I never really forget about it. I update my  usual blog on a frequent basis, but this one holds a special place in my heart. Also, I always feel like writing more on this one. I'm not even sure why...

So, yes, its 2010. Wow. This year, I will graduate, turn 18, and begin university. How trippy is that? I am SO not ready. In more ways than one. You know whats nutty? Remember, when I was in grade nine, the guy I mentioned named Jesse(Tyler)? Well, I actually added him on Facebook, and CONFESSED. It was a few months ago. I was so proud of myself for growing the balls necessary for it(not literally, of course). But it was just nice because he wasn't totally grossed out or anything(but naturally, he didn't know who I was...). Although it was rather crappy of me to do, because he's now MARRIED and has a baby daughter. So yeah, that was a little gross of me. But! I still did it. I'm pretty proud of that fact.

What else...I submitted a short story to a student writing contest in October;last week my teacher came and told me that my story had made it past the first round, and will be continuing on in the contest. Cool, eh? Apparently something like 5000 entries were looked through, and only a third of those move to the second round, and MINE was in that third. I don't really get a ton of money or anything if I win, but my story is going to be published in a little book and everything :D I think thats pretty important. My first publish. 

Yeah..other than that, I'm still not sure about University and what to take. Or what to do with my life. I'm narrowing it down, though...something to do with writing...maybe something medical...that sounds vague, but there's more in my noggin.

Well, I think that's good enough for now. Someday I'm going to copy and paste all of my entries into a journal, and print it off in case this site goes down or something. I think I'd like to keep these. Stick 'em on next to my hand written journals from the past 5 years.

I'm out!

Queenie :D

Oh My.
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Thank you!! by homemade kazoku+ various other anime stuff

Well...somehow it's been almost an entire year, AGAIN. How do I do this?

A lot of shit has happened, naturally...and I really don't feel like writing it ALL down. Jeez. It's funny, because my friend Jasmine told me the site for this blog she's been keeping since she graduated(she's a year older then me), and I went and made my own on that site too. And then I remembered this one! And it took me a few minutes to remember my username and password, and then I saw this blog... it's actually creepy, because this is like a glimpse into my past. Reading things I wrote in grade 8...since I'll be a senior this year, that would have been 4 years ago. Holy shit. I was such a little kid! And yet, pathetically, I'm STILL IN THE SAME SITUATION!!!!! I STILL haven't gotten a boyfriend! AARGH! I mean, how ridiculous is THIS? I'm seventeen now for fuck's sakes! you'd think I'd be alll over the guy scene, and yet, I'm not seen as anything but a walking textbook for guys. Just because I have a brain. Damn.

Annnyways....it's weird because I actually do not remember writing in this last summer at ALL. I was really surprised to see that entry. Freaky. Yep. Sometime this week my friend Kaits(yes, somehow we're still friends) is coming down for a visit. I'm pretty pumped.

...okay I'm having trouble getting over the fact that I still havent had a boyfriend. This SUCKS. As if i knew what i was ranting about in grade 8! I was thirteen! whatever! I'm seventeen now, and its much much worse that I still havent had a boyfriend. At this rate, I'll have GRADUATED lacking this! and then what? I'll go on to university completely GREEN. JOY. this is making me feel very depressed. ugh.

well alright i'm all down now, so i'm going to stop. Well, I'll probably write again next year, I'm sure. And I'll likely be single. Fuck.

Hmm...
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Various Artists

so now it's almost time for school again...not looking forward to it much...i'll be a junior! Yeah, that gives away my age, but whatever it'll help explain stuff. So i'm 16, and i started these blogs when i was 13, obviously...you can tell by my name :D

But yes, anyways, I'll be a junior and i've never had a boyfriend. Or really much male attention at all. It's very pitiable, wouldn't you agree? Although, i've had this conviction ever since i finished the last book in my favorite series, the Twilight Saga, that i'm going to get a man this year. I feel it! But, then again, i always think stuff like this and look where it's gotten me. No-where. Gah.

 And, I can't decide on what to take when i go to university. I'm interesting in something medicine, but i'm not entirely sure i could handle it. Blood doesnt really bother me, and i find that stuff intruiging, but i have no clue how i would take somebody who's missing a limb, or has an terrible, bloody disease and i would have to treat it, or surgery...what if i screwed up? i couldnt take it. Also, seeing people suffer just kills me. i think about it for days when i see somebody hurting in public, or think about how much it would hurt if that was me....

then, i had this thought a few minutes ago...what if i became a writer? how cool would that be? i mean, i'm always thinking like a book...stuff that happens, i always repeat it in my head but using words..yes, it's odd...but i really enjoy reading, and i love creative writing...and i like to write these blogs, even if i don't do it so often ^^ the only problem is, how can i create a story? how can I, me, make a book that people would want to read? make something that hasnt already been done? i don't know....

well, truth is, i already have a few ideas for stories. i just need to think a little about them and span out some details. i think i could do it.  i wonder if i could make money off it :3   another thing, i really don't want my name out there. i don't want people whom i only know a little or who would definitely scoff my kind of book to be all, oh my god, she wrote this crap? i think i would use an alias. yeah, i definitely would. Hmmm....

jeez! writing all this crap down makes it easier to actually consider this. Maybe that'll be a good project for me this year. see if i can start to write a story. i much prefer writing on a computer than by hand; it gets tedious and annoying after a while. Plus, typing is so much prettier ! I mean, look at this! No smudging, no scrawly printing...nice.  Wow, i've really gone on a tangent this time, eh? See what i mean? I enjoy talking about useless things. Well, okay, not really useless, it's my future :P Well, i'm gonna go, i'm talkin to Kaits on MSN

Ciao!

Queenie :3 

eer
Mood:  lazy

sooo it's clearly been over a year since i last decided to grace this blog with my writings....i obviously have some commitment issues. yep! still no boyfriend! what else is new? although it's summer break now....as if that's an excuse. it's simply because i'm a shy, depressing kid. who happens to be like, 5 ten and a half. YEAH. I'm so tall for a girl. and i actually moved back home last summer, and it's been nice. except, EVERYBODY there is so short!! the entire place is inhabited by midgets! errrgh. that includes all of my old friends, whom i don't even talk to anymore anyways. they're all popular and pretty and such. and dopies. and i am extremely against drugs. but right now i am in my parents apartment, which is not home but about 5 hours away. they got posted here and me and my brother get to stay home, except he's gone off to make money for his next year of university, and i'm staying with the 'rents. whoo. but it's really rather boring because i just sit inside all day... hmm...but!! i'm pretty excited because i get to go visit kaits, my best friend, next week!!! she lives about 14 hours away, so its going to be a looooong bus ride. but we haven't seen each other in a year so it's going to be worth it!! mostly because, despite all my bragging about making friends when i move, i did not make any real friends when i moved last summer. which is a bummer. so hopefully, with all my new classes, i'll make a decent friend AND have a guy to scope out. i.....i'm still not really over jesse. neither is kaits. it's just that..he was such a specimen!! he literally was , THE perfect looking guy. oh! how he was hot. *sigh* man it's really sad because its been 2 years since i started these and yet, i'm still in the exact same position i was then. no boy action. pathetic. i'm just going to have to get out of my shy shell , meet a hot, tall guy, and just...

YEP okay i've had enough. i'm done for now. who knows when i'll type again? maybe in another 2 years? ;)

Queenie 

Mood:  lazy

hey

ok so its the next day now and i dont really feel like talkin about Corey. So the whole thing at skatepark turned out pretty nice and i'll just leave it at that. A few days later(kaits was off in edmonton with her family) i saw a bunch of his stuff at the end of his driveway. Then a few days later, he was gone. G-o-n-e. He  moved away. i'm still sad about it....i'm just hoping there will be more hot guys this year. So, i've been pretty busy this summer. Babysitting, travelling, and having company over. So all in all i've been so busy that i've only gotten down to the beach ONCE the whole summer. And i bought this great new bikini and everything!! its really pissing me off so today my grandparents left(they were visiting yesterday) and i finally have some free time. Hopefully kaits' parents will drive us down to the beach 2day. Oh yea!  have some big news. My mom and dad got me and my mom plane tickets to go home in a few days!! Sheldon and Dad left yesterday(they're taking the three day drive) and we're flying down on the 30th. YEY!! we're going to spend 10 days there, and then we're going to drive back here for the 13th. YEA!!! i cant wait!! so yea thats about all the new news i have.....ugh. lol. I re-read some of my other blogs and i sound like some sort of soap opera of the words or something. Lol. hehe we got our female cat suki spayed the other day because she wouldnt stop crying for babies and her whole tummy is shaved. It soo funny cuz its just flabby pink there instead of fur, and of course a ropy cut from the surgery. Right now shes sitting in her cat carrier which is really weird considering evertime we try to put her in there she bolts. ok well now shes on my lap so i guess the carrier wasnt good enough. Wow, at least somebody likes me better then a cat carrier. OH YEA go me!! lol ok....scary....lol ok thats about it

byes

Queenie

Mood:  crushed out
June 17,2006 Well, the end of the year dance was freakin awesome!! It was so much fun and everybody looked great! Everybody loved my dress(booya) and it was totally fun. The only sucky part was that corey didnt even notice i was there. He floated around different crowds all night, and hovered around my group but didnt actually join us. which pissed me off. AND, there was 6 slow songs, and he slow danced each time with a girl that wasnt me. After every one of those dances, i more depressed and pictured those girl being thrown off a cliff into a mine field or something.Although, during the final slowdance(also the last song of the dance), Kaits and I floated over to visit kaylee who was sitting on a bench right in front of corey slowdancing with a girl in my class named emilie.when we sat down, corey's face went from blank to OMG. I swear, he looked so surprised! And then everytime he faced our direction he'd look straight at me and kaits. I really thought that he would notice me in my dress. I mean, half the girls in my class were like Oooo nice dress and DAMN, u got the figure girl! But , whatever, whats the point if the one guy i like doesnt even notice?? UGH. Although, there is one thing i'm looking forward to. Kaits' cousin Alan is coming up to visit her in the summer, and she says i'll like him. to which i was all like, cha right. but then she described him and i was like, well ok whatever. so today on MSN i was talking to her while she was talking to Alan, and shes like, I'm talking to alan. and i'm thinkin, ok whatever, so i told her to tell him hi. he said hey back and then kaits told me that he said he couldnt wait to meet me. i was all like, reeaally? thats when i got a little interested. So, out of curiosity, i asked how tall he was( and asked kaits not to tell him i asked) and she sed that he sed he was 5 10(an inch taller then me) and i was like YES! awesome! So, yea i guess i cant wait to meet him, and i know i shoudlnt get my hopes up too, cuz i havent been havin much luck with guys lately. But, appearently theres some new people moving in on my street, and they have a son my age. I'm like, oh really? :)So yea. right now i'm babysittin these 3 really cute kids. they're in bed right now and i had some free time so i came to write in my diary. Yea. I still dont know whether or not to trust this blog thing cuz i mean i know people will read this,and i dont honestly care. But if people i knew read this, i would DIE.Plus, i even click the private button for these blogs and yet i can go to them from google. i mean, whats the frickin point??oh well. its not like anybody i know will just accidentally happen to get to this. i mean, what are the chances of that happening? Honestly. ok now i'm just rambling to take up time. so i'll go now and save whoever's reading this from dying of boredom. Queenie