Now Playing: two men in love- the irrepressibles

once more i return to attempt to ease the crushing WEIGHT in my chest

is it a heart attack? possibly.

dramatic. honestly it's probably some kind of low scale anxiety attack. but that would be admitting i might have anxiety. or depression (undoubtedly). that would mean owning up to some actual issues i might carry.

but nah.

anyway, on with it. i was let go from my seasonal job last month. i don't have quite enough money left in my bank account to pay rent for next month. i had finally eliminated my credit card debt but since being laid off i've had to use it to fucking feed myself so hey, back in debt. not to mention the preexisting debt to my roommate, which is sizable. i've been mooching as many art commissions as possible from people online, and while it helped, i still need a lot to even cover just rent. due to lack of notice from my job as to when i was going to be laid off, i wasn't able to save even a bit to help myself between jobs :))) so!!! hence the panic!! it's been a month and no job yet. parents are unsympathetic and won't help. plus they are going through their own shitty money shit right now too so!! hahaha....what the fuck do i do? :)

man what else. i'm fatter than ever, hooray. lack of exercise, depression, binge snacking while i loaf around reading or drawing, yeah. so the extra weight tacked on makes me feel super about myself, really adds that bonus hatred to my already non existent self esteem. which, i am not kidding, really is non existent because boy did i ever get handed a crummy set to deal with when i was born. mmmm. still haven't ...fixed....the thing that freaks me out most, haven't seen any doctors about it or mentioned its existence to anyone but my mother (who doesn't believe me, due to my own somewhat decent ability to hide it i guess??) and inqueries online seem to point to be it being pretty incurable so! it plagues me, makes me shy, hide from everything, outings, cute clothes, interactions. and god thats not even taking in all of my physical shortcomings ((many!!!))

rolling along, getting to the usual, i am so lonely. so alone. if i wasn't self conscious and trying to hide all the time, maybe....maybe i'd be able to actually date. the rest of my bodily issues, idk, could be overlooked. but not this. 

god. i read a sex scene in this book series i am currently obsessed with. and it was. so. tender. so sweet. it's painful.

it hurts because it's something i yearn for and it's something i've NEVER had. i've never experienced intimacy or love of that sort. my god. i feel, so fucked up ??? because of this??? and it's NORMAL by now to have gone through a few relationships. to have had sex. it's a thing people talk about casually as part of their day to day lives!!!! BUT I CAN'T. people my age are married with kids now!! most people from my high school ARE married or have kids or both. here i am. my birthday is in two months and i'll be 24. TWENTY FOUR

like and okay it's not enough that i shy away from people because of this STUPID FUCKING PROBLEM of mine that can't be fixed, but, ALSO, i'm fucking rarely ever attracted to people?? people tell me to try online dating but fuck me if i can tell if someone is interesting from a picture. i can't. and even people i see around me....i find myself drawn to pieces of people as opposed to the whole thing. like someone's hands, or their eyes, or their hair, etc. never a whole person. it's...worrisome. i have no idea what you'd call that. demi? not really. ace? no, the urge to fuck does indeed exist. freakish??? plus man whenever i DO happen to see someone i actually find attractive there comes the crippling problem! :)) and then the inadequacy, like this person wouldn't ever see me so what's the point

and ahaha oh goodness, sure, as i get older i find myself growing more bitter and intolerant. of even friends. i leave no room for imperfections, for quirks, for the things that make people human. it all irritates me.

i'm sinking, i'm sinking down and down and i can't seem to bring myself up

meanwhile i continue to feel this, literal DEFICIT in my life because i'm so lonely. it's fucked up, it feels like an obsession. most single people seem lonely, but at least, not like there's this piece of their lives missing like i do?? and i can't tell if it's because i've built relationships up to be something they're not in my own head due to my LACK OF EVER HAVING ONE, or...like would a relationship even make me happy? would one even, satisfy me? in all the ways i demand, or expect? i know i'm unreasonable, i know i have these ridiculous expectations, but. how can you just shake that off

fucking christ.  

i sound like some crummy 13 year old with a long bang when i say this but it just feels like i'm twisting more and more as i get older and i don't...know how to make myself feel better. about myself and about life. it all just feels so hopeless.

Now Playing: teardrop-massive attack

idk what it is about this particular blogging platform that keeps me coming back when i need to vent but here we are

i guess the anonymity is appealing. as well as the fact that nobody is reading this. i can post it on the internet, with the potential to be read, but it won't be. somehow that combination makes me feel all right about all this? it doesn't feel as futile as writing in a diary, for instance. nobody would read that, EVER, unless accidentally picked up by a family or friend (in which case arranging for my swift death would be kind). this way...someone i don't know could find it, but it's still super unlikely. so hooray.

anyway. i've moved again since last post, to a nicer apartment, and gained another roommate. my 3 best friends live with me. i've got a cute kitty. i've got more space. a decent desk and a floor that isn't tilted, unlike before. after a tense month of searching for employment i found a seasonal job that actually pays me much more than my previous job. so by all means i SHOULD be fucking happy but

YOU KNOW

i just can't be cos. that'd be impossible.

i accured a big fat debt moving, and i owe my roommate a bunch of money for helping me live since the move and since my big fat debt acquisition. My slightly bigger paychecks pretty well have all gone to chipping away at my debt, leaving me no spending money aside from food. so like all my shit is tattered and i have no nice clothes and not to mention my job is seasonal and no matter how well i seem to be doing there, who knows if i'll be kept on? with my luck probably not. so cool, i've still got debt and rent to pay and i somehow need to find another job with nothing in the bank.

UMMMM what the fuck else. ah yes, i've lowkey been feeling off physically in a certain manner for the past like two and a half months, since just before we moved. so that's been a constant stresser for me, wondering what is wrong, putting off going to a doctor due to embarrassment and shyness, giving myself so much...so much stress. always hovering in the background whenever i felt a pang of this off-feeling. today i finally bucked the fuck up and went to a clinic, feeling like i was going to die sitting there waiting for the doctor. eventually he showed up and yeah well. now i wait for results to see if anything is actually up. both he and my mother think it's nothing but a small deviation of the usual but mkay. i'll just tack on this extra pile of stress onto my already heaping mound as i wait for the call.

so yeah! i'm uncomfortably broke, i'm uncomfortable physically, and fucking you know, the usual, uncomfortably single. LIFE.

there's a program at a school i want to take. hopefully this year coming up. but i have to look into burseries and loans and stuff, and also it sort of implies you need a good looking portfolio. which i want to bolster by working on stuff but. working on stuff requires money. which i don't HAVE. so there's THAT sticky loop to slap around too like. fucking god i don't even know what to do with myself i need to live a more fulfilling existence somehow. i want to be well off and comfortable and. happy. living on nothing and working stupid shit jobs sounds awful but so does working 9-5 at some depressing job to make slightly better money sounds shitty too so that is why i want to take this particular program because the line of work is lucrative if you can get into it and have talent, which i think i could have. and it would be a fun way to live my life. i hope to god it works out. i could use something good.... 

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: work song- hozier

haha

you know what's a SUPER FUNNY THING

i'm 23 now.

this blog is ten fucking years old.

you know what else is funny?

still haven't had a boyfriend.

 

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

it's great because. life goes on, 'having a boyfriend' stopped being at the forefront of my mind a long time ago. other issues cropped up, other lovely bits of day-to-day monotony occupying me throughout the years...

but still. still there are many days where i can't stand the sight of my roommates and their affection towards each other, so many nights where i lie awake, so alone i feel a literal deficit beside me under the covers

i watch tv, movies, read, etc. add to my collection of fictional husbands and boyfriends, laugh it off with friends like haha here they are, the men in my life

it's a weird thing to consider that i have literally never HAD a man in my life. i've been on a few dates. i've kissed a variety of people. i've never felt...anything. the single time i was interested in someone and they were interested back, when i kissed him i felt absolutely nothing. later, when i kissed my roommates under the influence of various things, it felt the exact same.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm just. busted. i'm already quite freakish in a number of ways that would make being in a real relationship interesting, my partner would have to be either totally desperate or extremely tolerating...and what if after all of that i can't even feel anything for them, physically? after all of the pining, the lusting, the loneliness i've felt over the years it turns out i'm unable to 'get it up'?

while i'm on the tmi train, as i guess i've always been on this blog, i can't even orgasm! :D  touching myself has never felt like anything, at least nothing i would categorize as 'good'. masturbating is boring to me, SOMEHOW. i've even purchased assorted sex toys, you know, in hopes that something would at least bring me this small measure of happiness?? since no dude would ever contribute to that, and masturbation is supposedly super important and blah blah blah but yeah man nothing even feels good. stuff sits in my drawer, unused. 

i am the silent giant in the room, the reserved, intimidating factor. ten years of it.

god. i've graduated university. i have a degree. i moved out to the big city with some friends. we are making it, even if my retail job makes me completely miserable, makes me want to utterly quit reality sometimes. i can't even bring myself to go into work somedays. my retail job also brings me no money.

broke and lonely. i guess this is adulthood for the unfortunate, kids. at least my roommates are broke and have each other. they have someone to roll into at night, to hold them. they have someone for them.

you know what's interesting? my old friend kaits is in the exact same position i am in. we've both been single and sad all these years. i have since made another friend, my very close friend, who is ALSO the same.

what is it about us? we aren't ugly, we aren't stupid, we aren't freaks...and boy, i have seen some freaks in relationships. even freaks find each other.

maybe that's why i'm Forever Single. maybe everyone can tell i'm just super crusty inside.

whatever. i've spent the past ten years asking myself what it is about me that makes me so unlikeable. it's highly probably i'm going to continue to ask myself this for the next ten. lonely. broke. years.  

Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that.
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: My December- Linkin Park
SO tired.....and SOOOO crampy. I hate periods. They fucking suck. Just wanted to point  that out. On a side note, I'm going to go see Linkin Park in a few days. For real. I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like my life is now complete. Well, it'd be more complete if I were going with a guy, but... :)

Take it from me.
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Cowboy Casanova- Carrie Underwood

Yes, that's right, you did read that I am listening to Carrie Underwood. Trust me, I'm not converting to country music, I just happen to like that song. Don't panic, people.

Let's see, it's too buttfuck early in the morning and I'm at school. It's slightly necessary at the moment to be here this early(I have to get up at five fucking thirty Monday-Thursday and at THREE THIRTY on Fridays) as my brother has to be at work early and he's my ride to school, so... Yes, so I was sitting here in the student building, bored, and I remembered this silly blog. I really don't know if anyone actually reads this besides myself once in a while, but it's still slightly comforting to come back to it once in a while. I've had this stupid blog for nearly 6 years. Honestly, why hasn't my account been deactivated or the site changed or something? Am I the only one that finds that weird?

I guess what's even weirder is the fact that I still remember my username and password, when I can barely remember my current ones for stuff like email. I'm a spaz like that, I suppose.

Hmm, the song has changed and now I'm listening to Voi Che Sapete. Mah, pretty. That seems slightly bipolar in terms of song choice, but it happened to be next on my iTunes and I haven't bothered to change it. (who's bored? ME!!)

I don't even have any real guy news to report other than I'm still single, and without a crush to make me feel at least a teensy bit better about it. University life doesn't hold the biggest thread of consistency when it comes to seeing the same people everyday, because the classes are so large. However, there are a few hotties I see in my classes each day because they sit in the same places, but alas, do I interact with them? Hells no. I mean, I made eye contact with one the other day, and believe me that was an accomplishment. 

Now it's Into You, by Dead By Sunrise. Which is Chester Bennington of Linkin Park's side band. I actually ended up liking them, even though at first I was a little skeptical. This song is rather pretty.

Alright why the hell am I typing this? There is absolutely NO valid reason.......besides that I have no homework to work on because I did it all on the weekend. Beh. I need a life. I find it so odd that even after almost 6 years I still suck. I mean, crap, I started this when I was 13. It was acceptable to be single at that age, but now, at 18, it seems a little sad. Well, it's not so bad to be single, but to be as sadly green as I am? For realz.

I'm hungry. But Timmies doesn't take damn debit and that's the predominant smell in this building. >> Anyways I should go since one of my friends just showed up and it would be weird for them to discover me typing this pathetic blog. Ciao~

 

Queenie

Weird D:
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Lady GaGa, Linkin Park..

Right, so it's Valentines day....I really HATE this freakin day. It's sucked since like, the fourth grade when people stopped being obliged to give you valentines. I miss those days, because then you were at least GUARENTEED a valentine. Now its all "Buy a rose for your sweetie" at my school, and guess who never gets one??? MAH.

But the good news is I got accepted into University yesterday! Hooray! My future is slowly being planned out for me..but until then I have to endure being in Advanced Math With Calculus at school. Bloody fuck, its beyond me why this shit was even invented in  the first place. I'm only taking because at my university, to get into ANY type of science program(including biology, which is what I want) you need it. As if you use fucking calculus and sequences and crap when you're a surgeon or doctor or something....

*sigh* I had the freakiest dream last night about this guy I've liked since I moved back home, like three years ago. Well actually, there's kinda a story behind this guy. He is actually the ONLY person I've ever gone out with, and that was, sadly, in like grade 4 and 5. BUT! Anyways I've never really forgotten about him, but I didn't really like him(obviously, I lived in the other side of the country) untill we moved back here, where he is, and I saw him again on a regular basis. He's such a great guy, but honestly I don't know how to get him. He's always been nice to me whenever we talk(which is NOT frequent enough, due to me being boring and not having the guts to go up and talk to him myself) and asks questions...I really wish I could grab him for myself. Unfortunately, he's ridiculously popular and cute, so he's perpetually surrounded by girls and friends. Yeah...anyways, my dream last night....I for some reason had changed my first period class and he was in it, and when he walked into the room I heard him say "What is SHE doing here?" and then he was standing right behind me in the crowd(for some reason the entire class was standing in the same corner of the room) and he leaned down and whispered in my ear "Why, of all people, are YOU in this class?" and then I woke up. MAN, it was so weird. 

I keep trying to talk myself into walking up to him and doing something dramatic, like kiss him, or even just telling him I like him, but its not going well. I'll have the entire senario in my head, and then I'll go to school, see him, and totally lose any desire to tell him ANYTHING. I'm such a chicken shit! But I can't help it. I have basically zero confidence, due to the complete LACK of male attention. Jesus, I  mean, at my rate, would anyone be surprised if I thought I was completely hideous?? *GRR*

Okay, I'm good. I just wish my life(espcially in the male department) went a little smoother. I wish that liking a guy was as easy for me as it is the other, prettier, more confident girls.

Geez, I'm totally depressing. I need to read a Cosmo or something :3

Queenie

Huh.
Now Playing: various Adam Lambert songs

You know, I'm not sure which is creepier: the fact that this blog still exists after like, 4 years, or the fact that I still remember the name and password for it. It blows my mind. I only think about this blog every long while, but I never really forget about it. I update my  usual blog on a frequent basis, but this one holds a special place in my heart. Also, I always feel like writing more on this one. I'm not even sure why...

So, yes, its 2010. Wow. This year, I will graduate, turn 18, and begin university. How trippy is that? I am SO not ready. In more ways than one. You know whats nutty? Remember, when I was in grade nine, the guy I mentioned named Jesse(Tyler)? Well, I actually added him on Facebook, and CONFESSED. It was a few months ago. I was so proud of myself for growing the balls necessary for it(not literally, of course). But it was just nice because he wasn't totally grossed out or anything(but naturally, he didn't know who I was...). Although it was rather crappy of me to do, because he's now MARRIED and has a baby daughter. So yeah, that was a little gross of me. But! I still did it. I'm pretty proud of that fact.

What else...I submitted a short story to a student writing contest in October;last week my teacher came and told me that my story had made it past the first round, and will be continuing on in the contest. Cool, eh? Apparently something like 5000 entries were looked through, and only a third of those move to the second round, and MINE was in that third. I don't really get a ton of money or anything if I win, but my story is going to be published in a little book and everything :D I think thats pretty important. My first publish. 

Yeah..other than that, I'm still not sure about University and what to take. Or what to do with my life. I'm narrowing it down, though...something to do with writing...maybe something medical...that sounds vague, but there's more in my noggin.

Well, I think that's good enough for now. Someday I'm going to copy and paste all of my entries into a journal, and print it off in case this site goes down or something. I think I'd like to keep these. Stick 'em on next to my hand written journals from the past 5 years.

I'm out!

Queenie :D

Oh My.
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Thank you!! by homemade kazoku+ various other anime stuff

Well...somehow it's been almost an entire year, AGAIN. How do I do this?

A lot of shit has happened, naturally...and I really don't feel like writing it ALL down. Jeez. It's funny, because my friend Jasmine told me the site for this blog she's been keeping since she graduated(she's a year older then me), and I went and made my own on that site too. And then I remembered this one! And it took me a few minutes to remember my username and password, and then I saw this blog... it's actually creepy, because this is like a glimpse into my past. Reading things I wrote in grade 8...since I'll be a senior this year, that would have been 4 years ago. Holy shit. I was such a little kid! And yet, pathetically, I'm STILL IN THE SAME SITUATION!!!!! I STILL haven't gotten a boyfriend! AARGH! I mean, how ridiculous is THIS? I'm seventeen now for fuck's sakes! you'd think I'd be alll over the guy scene, and yet, I'm not seen as anything but a walking textbook for guys. Just because I have a brain. Damn.

Annnyways....it's weird because I actually do not remember writing in this last summer at ALL. I was really surprised to see that entry. Freaky. Yep. Sometime this week my friend Kaits(yes, somehow we're still friends) is coming down for a visit. I'm pretty pumped.

...okay I'm having trouble getting over the fact that I still havent had a boyfriend. This SUCKS. As if i knew what i was ranting about in grade 8! I was thirteen! whatever! I'm seventeen now, and its much much worse that I still havent had a boyfriend. At this rate, I'll have GRADUATED lacking this! and then what? I'll go on to university completely GREEN. JOY. this is making me feel very depressed. ugh.

well alright i'm all down now, so i'm going to stop. Well, I'll probably write again next year, I'm sure. And I'll likely be single. Fuck.

Hmm...
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Various Artists

so now it's almost time for school again...not looking forward to it much...i'll be a junior! Yeah, that gives away my age, but whatever it'll help explain stuff. So i'm 16, and i started these blogs when i was 13, obviously...you can tell by my name :D

But yes, anyways, I'll be a junior and i've never had a boyfriend. Or really much male attention at all. It's very pitiable, wouldn't you agree? Although, i've had this conviction ever since i finished the last book in my favorite series, the Twilight Saga, that i'm going to get a man this year. I feel it! But, then again, i always think stuff like this and look where it's gotten me. No-where. Gah.

 And, I can't decide on what to take when i go to university. I'm interesting in something medicine, but i'm not entirely sure i could handle it. Blood doesnt really bother me, and i find that stuff intruiging, but i have no clue how i would take somebody who's missing a limb, or has an terrible, bloody disease and i would have to treat it, or surgery...what if i screwed up? i couldnt take it. Also, seeing people suffer just kills me. i think about it for days when i see somebody hurting in public, or think about how much it would hurt if that was me....

then, i had this thought a few minutes ago...what if i became a writer? how cool would that be? i mean, i'm always thinking like a book...stuff that happens, i always repeat it in my head but using words..yes, it's odd...but i really enjoy reading, and i love creative writing...and i like to write these blogs, even if i don't do it so often ^^ the only problem is, how can i create a story? how can I, me, make a book that people would want to read? make something that hasnt already been done? i don't know....

well, truth is, i already have a few ideas for stories. i just need to think a little about them and span out some details. i think i could do it.  i wonder if i could make money off it :3   another thing, i really don't want my name out there. i don't want people whom i only know a little or who would definitely scoff my kind of book to be all, oh my god, she wrote this crap? i think i would use an alias. yeah, i definitely would. Hmmm....

jeez! writing all this crap down makes it easier to actually consider this. Maybe that'll be a good project for me this year. see if i can start to write a story. i much prefer writing on a computer than by hand; it gets tedious and annoying after a while. Plus, typing is so much prettier ! I mean, look at this! No smudging, no scrawly printing...nice.  Wow, i've really gone on a tangent this time, eh? See what i mean? I enjoy talking about useless things. Well, okay, not really useless, it's my future :P Well, i'm gonna go, i'm talkin to Kaits on MSN

Ciao!

Queenie :3 

eer
Mood:  lazy

sooo it's clearly been over a year since i last decided to grace this blog with my writings....i obviously have some commitment issues. yep! still no boyfriend! what else is new? although it's summer break now....as if that's an excuse. it's simply because i'm a shy, depressing kid. who happens to be like, 5 ten and a half. YEAH. I'm so tall for a girl. and i actually moved back home last summer, and it's been nice. except, EVERYBODY there is so short!! the entire place is inhabited by midgets! errrgh. that includes all of my old friends, whom i don't even talk to anymore anyways. they're all popular and pretty and such. and dopies. and i am extremely against drugs. but right now i am in my parents apartment, which is not home but about 5 hours away. they got posted here and me and my brother get to stay home, except he's gone off to make money for his next year of university, and i'm staying with the 'rents. whoo. but it's really rather boring because i just sit inside all day... hmm...but!! i'm pretty excited because i get to go visit kaits, my best friend, next week!!! she lives about 14 hours away, so its going to be a looooong bus ride. but we haven't seen each other in a year so it's going to be worth it!! mostly because, despite all my bragging about making friends when i move, i did not make any real friends when i moved last summer. which is a bummer. so hopefully, with all my new classes, i'll make a decent friend AND have a guy to scope out. i.....i'm still not really over jesse. neither is kaits. it's just that..he was such a specimen!! he literally was , THE perfect looking guy. oh! how he was hot. *sigh* man it's really sad because its been 2 years since i started these and yet, i'm still in the exact same position i was then. no boy action. pathetic. i'm just going to have to get out of my shy shell , meet a hot, tall guy, and just...

YEP okay i've had enough. i'm done for now. who knows when i'll type again? maybe in another 2 years? ;)

Queenie