Now Playing: teardrop-massive attack

idk what it is about this particular blogging platform that keeps me coming back when i need to vent but here we are

i guess the anonymity is appealing. as well as the fact that nobody is reading this. i can post it on the internet, with the potential to be read, but it won't be. somehow that combination makes me feel all right about all this? it doesn't feel as futile as writing in a diary, for instance. nobody would read that, EVER, unless accidentally picked up by a family or friend (in which case arranging for my swift death would be kind). this way...someone i don't know could find it, but it's still super unlikely. so hooray.

anyway. i've moved again since last post, to a nicer apartment, and gained another roommate. my 3 best friends live with me. i've got a cute kitty. i've got more space. a decent desk and a floor that isn't tilted, unlike before. after a tense month of searching for employment i found a seasonal job that actually pays me much more than my previous job. so by all means i SHOULD be fucking happy but

YOU KNOW

i just can't be cos. that'd be impossible.

i accured a big fat debt moving, and i owe my roommate a bunch of money for helping me live since the move and since my big fat debt acquisition. My slightly bigger paychecks pretty well have all gone to chipping away at my debt, leaving me no spending money aside from food. so like all my shit is tattered and i have no nice clothes and not to mention my job is seasonal and no matter how well i seem to be doing there, who knows if i'll be kept on? with my luck probably not. so cool, i've still got debt and rent to pay and i somehow need to find another job with nothing in the bank.

UMMMM what the fuck else. ah yes, i've lowkey been feeling off physically in a certain manner for the past like two and a half months, since just before we moved. so that's been a constant stresser for me, wondering what is wrong, putting off going to a doctor due to embarrassment and shyness, giving myself so much...so much stress. always hovering in the background whenever i felt a pang of this off-feeling. today i finally bucked the fuck up and went to a clinic, feeling like i was going to die sitting there waiting for the doctor. eventually he showed up and yeah well. now i wait for results to see if anything is actually up. both he and my mother think it's nothing but a small deviation of the usual but mkay. i'll just tack on this extra pile of stress onto my already heaping mound as i wait for the call.

so yeah! i'm uncomfortably broke, i'm uncomfortable physically, and fucking you know, the usual, uncomfortably single. LIFE.

there's a program at a school i want to take. hopefully this year coming up. but i have to look into burseries and loans and stuff, and also it sort of implies you need a good looking portfolio. which i want to bolster by working on stuff but. working on stuff requires money. which i don't HAVE. so there's THAT sticky loop to slap around too like. fucking god i don't even know what to do with myself i need to live a more fulfilling existence somehow. i want to be well off and comfortable and. happy. living on nothing and working stupid shit jobs sounds awful but so does working 9-5 at some depressing job to make slightly better money sounds shitty too so that is why i want to take this particular program because the line of work is lucrative if you can get into it and have talent, which i think i could have. and it would be a fun way to live my life. i hope to god it works out. i could use something good....