Now Playing: ugly ending- best frenz, joywave, etc

holy shit okay

it's been 3 years! hey, it's been 3 fucking years again, what the fuck

i'm 29 now. 

i was bemoaning my lack of options for ranting about my experiences and then i remembered, wait, i have this hideous ancient sinkhole on the internet i could return to and so here i am. i really ought to download an archive of this thing in case it goes down (. why the HELL hasn't this gone down. it's LITERALLY 16 YEARS OLD) and i think i'd be sad if it was suddenly gone. it's this stupid experiment, really, a testiment to the longevity of the internet and of my own patheticness. like a horrible cool art piece. for whiners.

anyway. the actual reason i wanted to rant was because i wanted to BRAG indecently and this is not an urge i tend to have a lot. bragging is kind of ugly to me; nothing wrong with feeling happy about your accomplishments but i feel like vocalizing them for accolades is where it becomes less about the goodness of your accomplishment and more about the validation and your self-importance? 

i write this down for ME, for my own self-reflection. i have on-off hand written diaries from over the years but they aren't consistent and neither are these blog entries really. maybe i'm just a flake. 

honestly it's more, i think, that life is largely just this in-stasis feeling of banality, so why bother write down my everyday shenanigans as if they're relevant. i mean, it's probably cool from like a future scholarly perspective or something but i don't particularly feel like reliving my boring day by writing it down yknow? 

goddamn i go off sometimes, i'm delaying saying what has brought me here because even writing it down (..again, i already made a shitty diary entry but) feels classless and kind of gross but this is for YOU, future me, and i hope things have gone well enough that looking back on this doesn't fill you with unpleasant feelings instead of happy ones but,

TO THE POINT,

i started seeing a guy a few weeks ago. 

there i was, minding my own mediocre business as usual when it occured to me out of nowhere that i was 6 months away from turning 30. and still a virgin who has never dated, or even really kissed. and i just sort of lost my mind that evening and signed up to tinder (not for the first time, but) and after a few days of sifting through extremely uninteresting, dull men, i matched to someone. a day went by, i didn't say anything. mostly i was perplexed because the match was to a dude i sort of swiped right on in a kind of "LOL OKAY SURE" way (as in, out of my league, pipe dream sort of swipe)

but then he messaged me. and we started chatting, lightly, as you do. i'm vibrating with confusion and nerves and after a few days he asks if i want to get a drink. 

i took a whole damn day to respond with a yes. after several days of single messages we finally ended up at a local pub for a meal and a drink. 

i cannot express the level of anxiety i had meeting him there. i literally had to stop a few times on my walk over to just. vibrate into the ground. i felt sick. there were just too many variables to take into account and not to mention my inexperience and general fear regarding intimacy made it feel like i was walking into death trap; i'd stated on my profile that i was demisexual (approximately correct, mostly i was just hoping if that was something someone kept in mind if they were into me, that i might not want to be physical for a long while, to give myself some fucking chance at even trying to date)..

i eventually vibrated my way to the place and was let in and sat there and then he was like fucking 20 minutes late but then he comes in and HOOKAY there's this, pretty man sitting across me. far too pretty to be sitting across from me. frankly the like, absurdity of the situation unlocked something in me and i found myself chatting with him somewhat like a human being. a very nervous, shaking human being but once i inhaled some beer it got better. he was wearing a buttoned short sleeve shirt and his arms were fucking beautiful. it was tough to not ogle, but he stared at me all night. he barely looked away. it was intense. 

after quite a few hours (???) and some food and drink we went on a walk in the dark and when i broke away to leave we made the fuck out standing there on the sideway on the street like. like. i'd barely ever kissed someone, and then i was frenching a dude i just met. 

i returned to my stunned roommate at my lateness and i was like well that happened and yeah. it was, nice. i didn't feel anything from the kissing, though it was interesting and pleasant i suppose, but roommate assured me that was normal...and so i floated on that bizarre cloud for a few days until he asked if i wanted to go for a walk one night. so clearly i hadn't messed up or anything.

we went on the walk, i gave him a chaste kiss at the end (i was very worked up that he'd have gotten the wrong idea given our kissing last time so i was like. no big kiss this time sir) and then a few nights later we went out on another proper date. 

okay i don't think i need to go into so many details really. the gist was, i liked him more and more the longer i hung out with him, he was fucking. impressive. like a marble statue physically, he goes to the gym every damn day and works out. and he likes nerdy shit like me and doesn't care about my height (we're basically the exact same height) or my nose i guess?? to summarize it shallowly and blandly. also he was very sweet and kind and totally lacked charisma (i mean this in like. he's, straightforward. no artifice there, but also no swagger, he's a dork in the body of a god, i cannot believe it). i keep switching tenses like he's gone or something but i'm getting caught up in my own story telling with how i perceive him now, which is largely similar except a lot more intimate lmao ha ha can you guess why

and i was sort of loathe to even mention it a lot anywhere in case it stopped being a thing but it continued and then i had him over for dinner and movies a few nights ago and well, god damn, our making out lead to us having sex so whoops

felt kind of dumb considering i'd made this huge fuss (to him, even) about being unsure about being physical for a while etc but like he's just so HOT and nice and was really into me so like. i guess i just kept thinking yolo, why the hell not, come on. so honestly it was like, alright, i was once again not really feeling much but i'm hoping with practice and me knowing him more and more it'll be better. it was definitely fascinating so even if i don't ever find it all that pleasurable i think it'll still be something compelling, at the very least. 

i wrote a lot more there and deleted it cos. unecessary. also tacky. this is already too much really. i just feel the insane compulsion to document this much at least, this huge first for me. the last few weeks have been layered with firsts, and i have the somewhat unique perspective of approaching them from a fully developed, adult brain (sigh). 

i went into the anxiety of the first date but that anxiety persisted, lowboil, for these past two weeks and kicked into high gear each event day to the point of me feeling sick. the consequence of being constantly filled with anxiety is shitty sleep and weird bowel movements (sorry) and extremely diminished appetite. i've lost like, 7 or 8 pounds. pretty unhealthy, but the thing is, (something i did not mention before because i went right into the boy stuff) i lost a bunch of weight over the last year or so, (50 lbs as of yesterday), which has been fucking great and done wonders for my self esteem. like despite the boy stuff i feel far more attractive now than i ever have. my hair is longer too and my skin isn't so bad for once. i'm also vegan now and have been for the last year or so so that has benefitted me greatly for those reasons. i go for a walk every morning with my roommate.

so like despite still being ME with my myriad physical complaints about myself at least my weight isn't one of them anymore. i look good for me. so while i'm not insanely fit like he is at least i'm not, overweight or sloppy anymore, oof. i really don't KNOW why he's into me physically but he certainly seems to be ha hahehgifghg

god, sorry. i'm just. basking in the newness and strangeness of it all, reciprocated attraction and interest. i had sex! FUCKING FINALLY.

but also, just.. 1st, the ridiculousness of my first time being with a goddamn olympian, at age 29, that's so fucking funny. like i'm a legend. honestly. and 2nd, that i saw my deadline approaching and went out and got this insanely compatible man and slept with him within two weeks. I'M A LEGEND..........

. god, looking at the last post i made in here compared to now there are so many gaps i am not explaining and i don't really fucking want to. 3 years is a long time.  maybe i'll do bullet points kdfksdg

- musician man...was complicated. obviously nothing came of that nor did i ever expect it to, that was just me crushing hardcore one-sidedly. i was vague about it but for some reason while he was staying with us there was a weird moment where his back was sore and i offered to rub it for him because i'm a clown and he was like okay sure and so he stretched out on the couch with his shirt rucked up and i massaged his back for a like a weirdly long time with A535 and it was hot and i felt fucking bad kind of but he also seemed to really enjoy it but eventually my hands started going numb from the fucking mint and i'm sure his back was in no better condition considering it was A535 so we stopped and went to the store and carried on as if that didn't happen and he continued having a thing with my roommate which sucked ass for me but that ended up going down in flames a few months later so la tee da. we don't speak all that often, it's weird now, but he's also literally insane so idk. his music still slaps though it's probably always going to be a favourite and he's still one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen but dems the breaks i got this hot nerdy man now i am stoked about

- i mean, covid happened, and is still happening, so there's all of that. like damn. it's just so everyday now that making a point of talking about it feels stupid. a lot of the last two years has been eternal loneliness and sitting around bored and stir crazy. possibly some of that was what inspired me to go to tinder and boy i do not regret that (as of now, fingies crossed)

- graduated college (idk if i mentioned that...) and recently finally got good work in my field, was able to quit my dumb layman job and so i've been doing that for a few months (it's contract work unfortunately so it'll be over end of january :( but i'm searching for more work in the meantime)

- i started my own business and have had SOME freelance work but not a lot, hoping to have more in the future. got to make some stuff for some people though! pretty cool.

- shit also damn i forgot that musician had hired me to make him a music video, which i DID, i finished it in 2019. i'm still pretty smug that it even happened honestly

i want to make more stuff for musicians in the future, i had to smaller gigs this year i was happy to get but that's like...dream job....i'll keep working towards it. 

running out of steam for this so anyway bye i had sex