belghg

i mean not REALLY blelghg i am just, sort of, overwhelmed at the moment. 

i'm still seeing this guy, he's sweet and dorky and very pretty and we get along really well and have plenty in common and it's nice

christ i sound like i'm leading up to a big "BUT--" and i'm not 

actually i sort of am but not in like a doomed way just in a..but i wish i could talk about it at ALL with someone. like. i keep turning to my diary or this site when i can't stand keeping it all to myself cos i have no outlet otherwise

my roommate and best friend of like 8 years is not even someone i can talk about it with because they're so up their own ass, constantly, they don't even ask about it or seem to fucking care. like this is a huge deal for me. but at the same time people generally don't talk about their very personal dating shenanigans with other people UNLESS its like, a bestie.  but no. it's possible i could just bring it up myself and they'd respond well enough but truthfully i don't want to with them, as ever, it makes me uncomfortable to bring up topics the other person might not find all that interesting. which is the typical situation because they do that to me all the damn time. they've been on this minecraft youtuber hyperfixation now for not quite a year and goddamn it is ALL THEY TALK ABOUT. i feel like i'm going insane. like they've been prone to this sort of behaviour the whole time i've known them but this is so much worse than usual, and part of me like...reaching out and dating is to get away from THEM a bit, detach myself, gain some agency and a life for me

and god is it ever nice to have someone's attention. to have someone there for ME, because they like ME and not indi or anyone else. 

i've never had that before...

i do love my roommate but i'm tired of feeling so alone in life. i've thought this for a while now, felt a fissure growing in this particular way. a need to move on and try something new, have this for myself. and it's happening! it's actually happening! it's hard to see it that way but it really is...

last night he was over and we played games and had sex and sat there and gabbed and it was nice. he told me he loved me

which was. idk much like every other time we've hung out it was like 'ah, okay'. i think about him and about us and about our hangouts like . constantly. i look forward to it and he makes me feel really comfortable and content honestly but like. i don't know why i feel so guarded, always, i struggle with being in the moment and letting myself be happy and feel things. somehow in the last few  years despite always being more like my dad, very emotional, i've...come to understand my mom more. i keep thinking i'm acting like her. not being very outward about how i'm feeling, keeping things to myself, even FROM myself it feels like. 

i'm trying to understand my own wants and feelings more than anyone else lately like. i feel almost like i'm piloting someone else's body and brain, i can't tell if i like things. i just know if i *don't* like things. it sounds very weird but i swear because this is all new to me, sensations and feelings etc i don't know how to process them. i was thinking about it while baked the other night (lol) but like. it's like unlocking a different part of your brain you hadn't used AT ALL previously. it's confusing. despite wanting it for so long yknow?

anyway he is, very soft and understanding and i said i couldn't say that back yet but that i liked him a lot and i hope that's okay and he seemed totally fine with it aha

in the same span of an hour though i'd previously sort of nudged at the concept of us being 'boyfriend and girlfriend', no real cool way to approach that subject and while he said he'd go along with it i could tell he wasn't really jazzed with the idea yet so i was like it's all good, we can get there if you want whenever, so then he tells me he loves me like half an hour later like ????? dude...i said as much and he just laughed and said 'one step at a time' like ljdfgkjdffdg that's out of order methinks but okay

. well, just spoke a bit with roomie about the above just cos i had a hard time totally keeping that to myself and they said you can always talk to me about things and i was like aha...uh...

somehow the conversation has turned a direction i've been trying to avoid for ages now and that is their insane obsession with mcyt wish me luck