roomie's off at their grandparents for family stuff so i have the place to myself for SHENANIGANS and by shenanigans i mean. idk reading my own diary and being able to think about stuff in an open space without fear of being interrupted

it's funny cos i'm home alone constantly but technically it's during work so my brain is half occupied by other stuff, i haven't had much time to just. contemplate without deadline

so today i did something i'd been wanting to do for months and dug into the hallway closet to find my one physical diary (other than the one i currently use) i kept over the years. i'd written in several since i was 12 or so but threw the majority out. i decided to keep the most recent one, a big guy i started when i was 16 and finished when i was 20 and that was the one i wanted to read. i wanted to reflect on my current dating situation and bask in my achievements by reliving the sadness of my youth OKAY??

so i did that and it was great. sad, yeah. i feel so much pain for myself, as stupid as it sounds. it stung reading 17 year old me venting about never having had a boyfriend or never having been kissed and how terrified she was of going to uni that way, only for that to ...continue...for the entirety of my 20s. technically i did go on two dates, when i was 20 and 21, with the same guy and i kissed him on the first date (my first kiss unfortunately) but it was like, i slammed my mouth to his and bolted from the car and did not kiss him on the second date. 

and TECHNICALLY i guess when i was....23? whenever it was when i moved to TO with my current roomie and then roomie (their SO), i kissed both of them one night when we'd been drinking out of curiosity, felt nothing, and never did it again. :) 

so up until a few months ago i'd not actually, really, kissed anyone. that first date w my not-quite-boyfriend (as ive been calling him) was the first time i'd kissed anyone with any actual fervour, not to mention with tongue. at age 29. 

genuinely embarrassing but jesus like. my god. i've been so alone. my whole life i've been so alone and the moments when i'm lying with him listening to him breathe in bed with me, we've just had sex, i'm staring up at the ceiling...the contentedness is unreal. i mean i know post-sex hormones are a thing but he just makes me feel so comfortable and so relaxed and so...idk...right. 

i said this in my written diary but it's like intimacy is necessary?? being close to others, being physical? seems to sate some hunger or some need. it's not like i wasn't aware of that before but it was interesting to be able to directly correlate the lack of something to its source. like every night of my young adult life feeling so desperately lonely, so empty, something was not right, something i wasn't doing. and i kept thinking but obviously i'm not dying, i'm fine, it's only at night that i feel this way, etc. i think i felt worse than i let myself know

i just....didn't want to do it for the sake of doing it. i didn't want that companionship enough to settle or to date blindly. i was so rarely interested in people and still felt that loneliness, that was a really fucking hard thing to reconcile. it was so hard to even get tinder and to even try a date with this man, and somehow, i lucked out massively in that he was interesting enough to push past my hesitations and general inability to tell if i like things, and that he was someone i COULD eventually like. he's so much of what i only dreamed of finding that it freaks me out a little. it's not like he's perfect or that there aren't traits i am not 100% about, it's not that. it's just that they happen to be things i don't mind or things i am okay with dealing with considering the rest, yknow? the rest being stuff i find far more important. highly specific to me, things that if i listed i'd sound insane for even caring about or considering as like deal breakers or whatever. 

i guess it speaks to the depths of my inexperience and general patheticness that i'm just. overwhelmed at the concept of other people experiencing this all the time. what do you MEAN people have...someone look at them, like he looks at me, all the time, everywhere? do people...feel this deeply or think about things this deeply or is it all much easier for them? do they take it for granted? i just. i've always been a sucker for romance in media despite myself and despite the general lack of evidence suggesting actual connection/happiness in couples was a real thing. very rarely did i ever see a couple that actually seemed to love each other...i mean maybe i don't have all the facts and obviously there's stuff couples can't do in the presence of others to indicate their affection cos it's only polite so like my perception could be skewed by social niceties but I DON'T KNOW it really always seemed so fucking bland and like people were just fulfilling ROLES and it looked horrible and sad and i didn't want it if that was what it meant, but in the meantime, i was YEARNING and lonely..

and now obviously in the butterflies/honeymoon stage of a new relationship i'm all aflutter and shit and i get to say all this stuff about others' relationships seeming dull and perfunctionary just because mine is all shiny and spicy and new BUT...i can't shake the feeling that this is still different, he's. more.

we've had a few talks about it too, not very very in-depth considering we're still getting to know each other, but he mentioned apprehension over similar things and that so many people just seem, uninteresting, or like they're just fulfilling roles. he said that ! about relationships! AGAIN i just can't believe my luck

but also...how is anyone supposed to recover from this? i think, part of why i didn't extend myself into dating much was simply because i don't think i have it in me to do this many times. i don't want to share this much of myself over and over, i don't want to reform this sort of connection again and again, as is normal. he looks at me like that, like he can't get enough, like he's so happy to be there with me. i don't want that to fade, i don't want to feel dull again

is it luck, or is it just HIM? is it all like that? i can't believe i found someone so sweet and emotional and hurt and beautiful and dorky, for me, i can tell he's a rare human and if this doesn't work out i'm SUPER FUCKED for having this be my first real relationship, how the hell is someone else supposed to compare

aaaaaaaaaa this is pure garbage this entry but i'm letting myself feel things. i feel things for him and haha zoinks someone feels things for ME