this is surely some kind of record, once a month for several months in a row,

it's not even like i have anything particularly meaningful to say (as if i ever do lmao) but as i said before i keep feeling a lot and i keep needing to deposit some of the jumble in my head somewhere. i think writing it down helps me analyze it a bit, changes the format of the !!! into something 'constructive' or whatever. 

i've been listening to a book about human (mostly female) sexuality and it's been very helpful thus far in helping me reframe some stuff about all of that in my own head, in a similar way it's both validated and formed the general feelings i've had about sex etc into something coherent, such that i might be able to work on things. sort of feel like it's a "final" puzzle piece to me feeling...whole and normal. and i know sex isn't necessary to feel content but i think it might be for me, or at least, i want to get the most out of it now that i'm having it

if that makes sense

in general there's this impression that everyone is easily aroused and easy to fall in love and easy to please and maybe that IS true for some but. not for this chick, and i guess not for a lot of people. i thought i was a freak genuinely but i just have a tricky set more or less, not impossible to deal with. essentially i just need to better listen to my instincts and take more for myself, the first of which i am typically good at in a general setting but shit at during sex it seems and the second i am shit at in general so, it's about reforming habits and self perception

when i was a little kid, my self image was pretty high. a lot of people told me i was cute and perfect and all this shit and it kind of inflated my ego, and i was pretty shrewd. i'd act certain ways *knowing* it made me cuter and it felt great to have that. and then i grew up and my looks became, i think, something more of a challenge for people in general. my confidence plummeted, due to just, general reception, critiques from my own father, other men, etc. all the while thinking that i wasn't ugly, while there are parts of my body i am less keen on and general health stuff i have to fight constantly, i've never thought i was ...worthless or unlovable. especially given the types that manage to find partners, which sounds fucking wretched and it maybe is a little but our world is a shallow one and i am a participant in it, we all are. the point was, i was, confused maybe by my lack of appeal overall. being tall and not petite and having a less than feminine nose was a killer combination, and yet, i saw men staring. i saw dudes ogling, i got catcalled on the streets. i'm fairly curvy. but i assumed that once they got close or got to know me my appeal was gone, or that while they might be superficially attracted they were probably confused by it and would generally ignore any impulse to try me on and instead would continue to seek the petite, the more feminine. i got the impression i wasn't "wife" material essentially. and a big part of me grew resentful of it, that i was saddled with features that are objectively fucking fine but because of western beauty standards i was less than ideal. it infuriated me

i kind of rolled with that throughout my teens/early 20s. and i gained some weight and any good traits i had and was remotely confident in vanished and i was miserable for most of my 20s. i'm kind of just stream of thought writing rn and might edit this or not who knows 

anyway the last few years my brain did some stuff and was like, actually, this is bullshit and i've had enough of wasting away in self pity and loneliness and this combo effect of 1) getting medicated, 2) losing weight and 3) getting a boyfriend (not all at once obvs this was spread out over 2 years i'd say, i just didn't really register the cause and effect/ trajectory of it all till...maybe right now). my confidence spiked with each of these additions is the point. the ADHD tackled my depression/motivation, the weight loss/healthier eating tackled one decent part of my self image and brought back the things i liked about myself and this relationship has been another generously validating thing. 

he acknowledges and praises and feeds me in ways i was starved for. i struggled for a long time with the awareness that i needed male validation, something women are told to not need or not crave to feel whole and worthy of living and like i don't need it for THOSE things i just, couldn't feel like a desirable creature until i had it and i knew this about myself. maybe it was unhealthy, but i think it was just deeply personal due to my history. i wanted to be wanted, and wanted in a meaningful way. 

he's not the most talkative person, not to say he's silent but he's someone who isn't used to people caring about him/not using him, so getting him to open up is sometimes tricky. and i get the impression that he would grow attached to anyone who would spare him their time in a not shallow way, because in some ways i think he's had the opposite experience. he's a fellow with a lot of physical blessings, and he's been in some shit because of it. people hit on him inappropriately, treat him like a piece of meat essentially. that is to say he's good looking and kind of downplays it in odd ways, he is proud about it in some ways (he works out) but he hunches over and isn't the most outspoken person, like he's trying to diminish his presence and remain unknown. it's an interesting combination. like of course one wants to be attractive and to take pride in one's appearance but if people are constantly trying to take advantage of you or see you as an enemy (men seem to act like dicks to him a lot) ...and he's a bit proud... so his history is full of tussles. he's had to defend himself a lot, fought a fair amount it seems. 

anyway what all that is to say i am filled with a lot of odd feelings, like,

pride at having snagged him because he's kind of a catch (albeit, the downsides atm are that he's in a real rough patch of his life and that has tried my patience a fair amount, to the degree that. had he not stepped up the other day i was a blink away from breaking up with him even though i really, really, really did not want to given that i am genuinely in love with him but. his current predicaments make him somewhat inattentive and there have been a number of times where my time has been wasted and that really annoys me, and if discussing it with him isn't enough i was prepared to step away because i do have pride. but heyo it was fine and i am massively relieved, i just need him to try) (anyway that really derailed this section where i am trying to brag about him haha) ...and i know i'm not ugly but like. you know it's something when you show him to people and they go "wow!" or my friend ryan who was like "please don't take offense but like how did you get this guy" and i am like YEAH I KNOW i'm not offended cos he's right. but the thing is bf is a major goob and softie and i treat him with respect and he's apparently super hot for me so fucking that

all that to say also i feel sort of like. he's dating down with me in certain ways, though i guess, status wise i am dating down by dating him??? idk my roomie has implied as much lmao and yeah in some ways i can attest to being better off financially, and i'm more mature, my shit is definitely more together as a whole. but like. he could do...so much better than me physically if he really wanted to. i'm in decent shape and i have features he seems to love but. he could absolutely get a more beautiful, smaller, attractive thing no problem...so there's pride but also confusion, i have to frequently tell myself not to question his decision in dating me, whether or not i simply arrived at a "good" time in his seeking cos like there are likely so many more attractive people who could be compatible with him, the point is *I* got him, luck, my own merit, whatever

i've lost track of what i was saying, if i was saying anything at all,

i think what i was trying to get at was, this handsome, compatible man likes me and enjoys my company and i make him laugh. and he does this thing where he just stares at me, stares and stares, like i'm not real or something and i just cannot reconcile the intensity of his gaze with ME. it fills my chest with something cottony and warm and makes me want to cry a little and often my squirming makes him apologize for staring but it's like, no, don't stop actually i just don't know how to receive it, i don't know how to process i can't stare at him in the same way for very long though i try there's something too vulnerable in it

having that individual attention is something i cherish. someone wants ME, over anyone else (hypothetically). a man, a dorky hot man. it's just STILL preposterous, somehow !! it's been 4 months! i don't want that feeling to ever go, i don't ever want to take this for granted. not that i'm saying i like him simply because he likes me or that nobody else could ever like me because yes this is proving it is possible, but that's, not the only part. it's just a nice feeling and i don't want to be the same as other people who seem to view someone's interest in them as simply *whatever*, run of the mill normal. 

i'm also still. deep down, the me that existed up until, idk, my mid 20s? the me that would clam up and turn into an stiff asshole around men i thought were attractive or even men i didn't have a personal attraction to and just knew they were attractive by like, society's standards. they deeply intimidated me and i just felt that they didn't see me at all, that i had all the merit of a brick wall. and you know what that's probably still true and i am still ...very afraid and unsettled by most men. but anyway sometime in the last few years i guess i snapped and just started being myself more and truthfully that did seem to...work. WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING but i mean it worked in that it went from Dudes Did Not See Me to Dudes See Me Because I'm Funny But I'm Not Dateable (a la fat female character in a comedy movie)

which idk, is that an upgrade? maybe? i guess so cos then at least i was less of a pill overall if i wasn't really concerned with getting their attention in some sort of datey way even if they weren't someone i wanted to date in particular? god this is some sloppy mess i'm sure it only makes like 50% sense but whatever

ANYWAY 1) bf was. different right from the start even though i was sitting across from him during our first date like *jaw on the floor*, at least through my intense nervousness i was able to. converse and shit (he later said i was awkward but obviously not enough to repel him and i gave him shit for saying i was awkward because frankly so was he and he's still not the greatest at like, initiating conversation). there was something warm and inviting about him even immediately and he's very easy to talk to. possibly it was the immediate realization during the date that despite his looks he was a total dork 

2) possibly because we spoke briefly on tinder first it wasn't like. completely unknown territory and i already knew some basic facts about him (. we talked about anime a bit so like i probably could have anticipated he was dorky but i didn't know the EXTENT of it is the thing, plus games and anime have become rather mainstream)

..my cat just came up and love bombed me, peeling me away from this for a few minutes and upon returning i think i've run out of steam here. truthfully i started this entry like almost an hour ago this shit takes a while to get out. have i said anything? nope.