i'm having a hard time with ...emotions

i'm still learning a lot about ADHD and just how much it permeates every aspect of my life, basically, how it is responsible for certain behaviours and qualities that i may possess, and in turn, that HE possesses because he definitely has it too (unmedicated, which, oof)

like. i keep feeling concerned because 1) i'm very easily annoyed, as i have always been, which makes feeling GOOD emotions almost impossible unless the annoyance is dealt with properly and that doesn't always happen. i have a much harder time shedding negative emotions and it sucks when the situation doesn't actually call for that much of a negative emotional response and yet i am sucked into it and quite often cannot escape, ruining an otherwise good time for myself or being unable to pick myself back up. this seems to be an adhd thing, emotional dysregulation, which is like Cool but how can i stop this because it makes me feel like i don't possess good feelings for a thing. like if i'm annoyed or angry or upset i LITERALLY cannot fathom feeling positively towards a person, i don't feel love or friendship or anything else in that moment and if the moment stretches on without resolution i am straight up apathetic like the me that is generally happy is gone entirely, it's fucked up!! but, in addition, 

2) i can't seem to hold onto good feelings anymore? or if i've ever really been able to once a hyperfixation or whatever passes? in the moment i'm fine, i feel all sorts of things, though still it's never really like how i read about how a particular emotion exists for other people. like. i don't....feel, butterflies or whatever w my boyfriend, i don't feel electricity when he touches me but i have never felt these things for anyone. it's almost like, outside of negative emotions my happy emotions are much duller? much less rewarding somehow, or like, my ability to access positivity is limited...my own life doesn't stimulate me as much as fiction can, my brain is seeking the nuance and the depth of what is capable in fiction but fiction isn't REAL and that's the point, i ought to be content with what i have because what i have is frankly really great! i can acknowledge this, but, somehow, i'm...idk, dissatisfied constantly, but i get the feeling i'd be dissatisfied no matter the circumstance or person

i'm obsessed with romance but a romance that isn't real, i'm obsessed with a kind of interpersonal connection that isn't possible. and truly, when i'm with him, i *am* pretty content 

it's just when i'm NOT that i start pouring over bullshit constantly like i can't even trust myself or him

in addition, he has ADHD as well, and he doesn't really like texting or IMing or anything and so my communication with him when i'm not around him is minimal or lackluster and that makes my already wobbly feelings wobblier because they're not reinforced regularly. i feel like an infant but...idk, if i don't talk to him for like a day or two i don't even feel like i'm dating someone, i can think on memories we've made and think about him but most times it's in this disaffected way like he's not even real like i have object permanence issues

thinking back on other relationships i have (friends, family, etc) if i wasn't in semi regular communication with them it was sort of the same deal. my family gets a pass cos i grew up with them and i don't feel the need to talk to them every day (though, i almost do in some shape or form) but my close friend used to chat with me a lot more and now doesn't and it was a really really rough transition for me when they pulled back from being as online. i grew upset and confused and i'm now realizing this is a similar situation. it's not that they don't care for me, cos they do, it's just that this form of communication isn't their thing and in the early days it was easier cos it was fresh and new but they just don't really handle this well, when we're in person they're clingy and sweet and wonderful.....just like my bf. 

i just wish i didn't need it, i hate feeling, dull and disaffected and unwanted. i don't know how to feel okay with it while knowing these people care in their own ways and seeing them is just fine, but i'm afraid of my own apathy towards them without the reinforcement. i stop caring...i'm always the person trying at first to communicate and then when they don't reciprocate after a while i just stop trying and then what do you know i haven't spoken to them in years and years. bf is obviously a different story since i see him several times a week but it's like a micro version of that, even in the few days i don't see him it's like my brain takes off and i'm Alone, i can't care properly. then if my attempts at keeping in contact fall flat (and they do, repeatedly) i get to the point where i'm at now where i just don't try and i don't hear from him at all for like a whole day or two and it's like goddamn please help me stay into this

i guess i just, wish, someone in my life would want to talk to me as much as i repeatedly want to talk to everyone else and why am i so lonely and bad at feeling whole without this constant reinforcement. idk why i have to feel needed