i'm an idiot

this, endless crying, since last night, near endless crying

this has to be love. like real love, whatever it is. i'm beside myself thinking that i'll never see him again after this week. it's fucking insane 

he pissed me off SO much. he's busted and needs so much help and meds and i got so tired of so many things about him and now we're apart for 2 weeks and i see him once for a few hours and i'm losing my mind that he's leaving. yesterday he was so solemn and resigned and yet gently loving. i can't believe i have to throw away someone who looks at me like that...he hasn't even been in my life a year but i can't suddenly imagine not caring. but sometime...i won't. or at least i won't in this way, i guess. and i know it's basically a trick of the light because it's not like his problems are magically solved or he's less depressed, but it's funny how we can push all that aside when we realize that it's Done and suddenly it's only affection left, only comfort, the sweetness that was once there reappears before it's gone completely

why wasn't i this miserable before...i mean, i was, but it felt different somehow. aside from that first night right after the breakup, it felt something like this. it's a loss, it's a feeling of loss. like someone died. it's fucked up !!!! 

i;m both miserable and elated over the fact that i'll see him this week, presumably several times, or as much as i might like even...just, being together, nobody else, no weight of expectation or the future,

and then he'll go