he might be gone gone now, possibly, not sure

we spent the majority of the last 4ish days together and it was ...so wonderful. just love love love and laughing and kissing and holding each other and i want to remember it for forever no matter what happens

he's moving away, we're not back 'together', but we undoubtedly care for one another and i think in a better time and place it would be....everything. we both seem to have landed on this understanding, somehow. who knows what the future will bring. when i told my mom she was like yeah your father and i didn't think you two were done and i was like ...oof 

there's a part of my brain that envisions being his wife and living on the coast and making my art and stuff there by the ocean, i'd have enough space since he'd be working a lot presumably. he even asked if i'd marry him ("it's getting harder and harder to imagine being with anyone else") and i didn't really respond, other than to say that i might have seen it happening had we continued, that sort of thing. i wonder if we're really done or if it's just a sort of hiatus, while he finds himself (mom described it as a 'walk about', not dissimilar to what i did when i moved away from home to a big city far away for a few years before moving back, my brother did the same thing...except i guess ex's is just later in life aha), figures out what's important to him, maybe addresses some of his brain demons, etc. 

i'm not really ready to remove myself from everything i have here, either. i've got a decent job, a great friend network, i live in a place where i can do silly art things like go to movie festivals with my friends and i've recently started tutoring at the college i went to a few years ago, my family is here...

if i ended up with him i'd be sequestered away more or less, he is moving to the middle of NOWHERE (as middle of nowhere as a coastal town can be) and it's probably not exactly the epicentre of arts and culture (not that where i am living currently is either but it IS markedly better than many places around here)

it's almost this feeling of, 'not quite the right time'. like we found each other, have this undeniable connection, but our circumstances aren't quite right just yet

in some ways i feel really lucky to 1) have felt something like this and 2) have been wise enough to not just throw myself into a potentially incorrect situation just because my heart went thumpity thump (...lame). i've done so much for myself over the last 5 years of my life and i'm proud of me in a lot of ways. i'm not really inclined to uproot and put myself at the behest of someone i haven't even known for a full year, cha feel bro???

we're keeping in contact. who knows what will happen. for now i'll just keep living my life i guess