i guess i would describe this relationship as a very highest highs, lowest lows type deal

not long after that last post, a week or two, i sort of...came to my senses? realized it wasn't going to work long distance? i recalled all the bad stuff about it that prompted my breakup w him in the first place?

probably some combination of things. it's truly very odd how mixed up you can feel in situations like this, some days it's wretched, other days it's fabulous. some would say that you ought to not feel the wretched days THAT often and to that i can't speak to its truthfulness but i want to agree

i decided to more or less formally break it off. he was not happy about it and was very rude and immature (hurt, i understood it was mostly that he was hurt but the stuff he said was still hurtful even if it was childish) and blocked me everywhere for like, weeks, which i was fine with truthfully

kind of went through these waves of missing him intensely and not at all off and on for weeks...it's now been almost 2 months since i last saw him. somehow. and also ONLY 2 months. i feel both like i could move on instantly and also not at all

he unblocked me a little while ago, followed a few of my accounts. i didn't do anything or say anything. christmas day he wished me a merry christmas, and i did the same back. i was poking around on tinder all moodily over christmas just to ...look, more or less, and nothing was really striking my fancy or interest. i had a brief conversation with one dude who was boring and not really my type, so no loss there. and then i saw my ex was on there too and i got pissed off and haven't really been back on

like yeah. hypocrisy. also anger for knowing that that means he hasn't really done any of the mental work he ought to do if he's already looking to date someone new. no way he cleaned himself up that much in less than 2 months. good luck to whomever he dates next, really. cos lmao i don't know if he learned a single thing from dating me. his profile looked exactly like it did when i first started talking to him, same pic and everything. a pic his ex prior to me took. like come on dude

i think it's the same sort of frustration i felt when i dated him, knowing he could be so much more. he has so much potential to be everything, to be incredible, and instead he chooses to shrug his way through things and miss opportunities and refuse to accept mistakes, etc. project wildly onto other people and misremember situations. smoke too much weed. ugghhg

i vacilate between thinking that i'll never see him again and wondering if it really IS some sort of freakish pause. i don't know. i mean if he stays where he moved to it's done cos i have no real reason to go there, dumb seaside wife daydreams aside, i'd probably go nuts with no support nearby. 

i miss him though, a little, he wAS my friend and it was fun to dork out over stupid stuff with him and have someone to cuddle with and touch and boy was he HOT. his immensely compatible physicality is something i was reluctant to lose from fear of not finding something else that remotely satisfying for me personally and i'm still like. goddamn i hit the jackpot there why did he have to be SUCH a DOOFUS 

i often feel lucky and glad he actually actively removed himself from my proximity cos i would have had a hard time fully divorcing myself from him, as evidenced in the first breakup-reconciliation after 2 weeks. i keep wishing there was some relationship bracket that existed somewhere between friend and monogamous lover. like if we could hang out and be together physically and tell each other sweet nothings but have none of the pressures of knowing each others friends and families and sharing bills and planning futures, etc. all that shit? less great. truthfully my roommate fills that end in pretty well; that's a whole weird kettle of fish i don't really feel like expanding upon but tldr; 8 years of adult best friendship/roommateship tends to fill in a lot of the slots your significant other fills if it continues to go well. if only i could have squished them both together into the like. ideal partner lmao

but i also know that if i were in something like that with him i couldn't really go looking for an ACTUAL significant other or whatever. someone out there can be my lover and also my best friend and make good life decision. right???