ew it hasn't been all that long since my last entry, generally doesn't mean good things have been happening

 not necessarily in this case but yknow I really don't come here to do anything but whine about my love life so 

 I wish the world would let me get over him, it's not even giving me a chance with anyone else. do you know how frustrating it is to have dated one person by the age of 31? if I'd have stayed with him (happily) I wouldn't really have this problem! that being the unfortunate relation of all dating experiences to this one dude. I can't think about going on dates, having sex, cuddling, having intimate conversations etc without relating it all to him. it's my entire frame of reference!! I mean, I've been on dates with other people (one other guy ages ago but w.e) but everything else is attached to HIM. i miss it, I want it, and my brain is still confused as to whether it's the thing itself or him that I'm missing, and I'm not being given the opportunity to fucking find out. every dude I've spoken to over the last 6 months on apps has failed to lead to a single date. aggravating. and the entire time I'm dreaming about my ex, noticing things he'd enjoy, wondering if he's okay.

all right to be fair it wasn't the entire time. but it's been... idk. weeks. months. it's so hard to say. I miss him and I don't miss him and I love him. I might always love him, I might just be fucked up that way. but at the very least it would be nice to put him in the background like my previous loves in order to move the spotlight over to someone else. I had to go look through photos for something today and even seeing him in the thumbnails for the pics was like a radar going off, I made the mistake of clicking on a few and I started tearing up. it fucking sucks. it's been half a year!! we only dated 10 months, goddamn. we just had such a strange, immediate, comfortable connection. I still see him and feel that MINE instinct.

I have no idea what he's up to, if he's still where he moved away last fall.. he's probably moved on, probably knocked someone up like he wanted. I didn't want it...i might have. but. I couldn't tell him that it was because he was so messed up that I wouldn't put myself through having kids with him even if I had pictured them, our kids. if he miraculously did a lot of personal growth and matured and idk, got therapy and started ADHD meds and learned how to look after himself better.... But blah blah blah I'll just continue to feel resentful that, despite all that stuff I just complained about, I can't get him out of my head. that someone so suited to me in a sea of unappealing people was dangled in front of me but was too damaged to keep

it would happen to me wouldn't it 

for the thousandth time I wish we (humans ) weren't constrained by... the unfortunate reality of isolated pairings. I really like this dude. we have this insane connection. but because he can't cut it for every avenue required of my single lifelong partner, of the only other person to potentially raise  any kids we might have, I had to discard him.. it feels really horrible and wrong to expect so much from our romantic  partners, when historically the many burdens of our lives were spread amongst each other, "a village to raise a child" etc. community. our parents were nearby.

(also his family was horrible horrible and I admit I very much wanted nothing to do with them)

but anyway. see, it's wretched. I want him. I don't want him in the way I'm supposed to. I can't have him if I'm supposed to have a One in my life capable of everything they're supposed to. but I won't settle for less of a connection and attraction, either, so I'm doomed 🤪🤪

I think the worst part is that if he were to show up here, randomly, which he wouldn't do cos that night be some kind of big confident gesture (not exactly his Forte) , I'm so fucking sure I'd be all over him. I have no doubt I'd be around him for .5 seconds and i would have some major issues.. the smart part of my brain is like NO NO NO WE DON'T WANT THAT, YOU'RE FREE REMEBER HOW TRAPPED YOU FELT and the dumb sappy part of my brain is like 👉👈 okay but remember also how you literally never felt as confident and comfortable as you did with him ?

and then the two halves of my brain start throwing rocks at each other and I start bleeding from the ears and do nothing