ew hi it's the next fucking day and like a diseased person i looked him up on fb and saw, for the first time in months, photos of his face and of him smiling (not new--old, it looks like his profile hasn't updated since when we broke up. doesn't mean a whole lot, he didn't update it much when we were together either) and it made me cry for like 20 entire minutes so i'm doing great i'm doing so fucking well  i HATE THIS I HATE THIS

i can't even reach out to him (why why why) because i don't think i could survive him telling me he's seeing someone else. or, on the flipside, indicating in any way that he misses me. i can't do it, as the person who dumped him, AND as the person who already crawled back in january and after we'd gone right back into flirting etc he said he just wanted to be friends and i said i couldn't do that and then we had a big stupid fight again and we haven't spoken since 

it's SO FUCKING MIDDLE SCHOOL i can't DEAL

but appropos i guess since i didn't get to do this in middle school but it's just. hard.it SUCKS IT SUCKS IT SUCKS i've fucking flopped right back to where i was when we first broke up, somehow, i just can't picture wanting to be with anyone else but i can't be with him if he's like how he was. i can't. but i miss him and want him idk how i've relapsed so badly where did this COME FROM