I don't want to do this but it's been a bit over a week and I ought to (???) record some of this for future me cos I know it'll be of interest. Or at least, idk, something to help me remember because feelings are fleeting and I forget a lot of people and my own feelings and I don't WANT this to slip away from me, even if it's not like active in my life I don't want to FORGET any of it. It doesn't deserve it.

And I don't want to forget because I want to keep this feeling of confidence and of self assurance, I don't want to have it fade too far into the background because it will make starting again extremely hard and I've enjoyed feeling like I'm worthy of someone's time.

Okay anyway, we broke up last weekend.

I've gone over this so many times since then with myself, with other people, that I'm already kind of tired of it but again I gotta do this for future me who might sink back into 1) feelings of inadequacy or invalidated self worth, or 2) a thing with him or something since she might forget why it is we ended it lmao. Clearly i have a lot of faith in myself 

This should have happened last week when I was still busted up about it vs now in which i'm just sort of, mostly alright and already thinking ahead ugh

It had probably been coming for a long time, he was insanely depressed and had a lot of PTSD from childhood, his family, his previous relationship. i was just constantly stressed out for him, he had insanely bad luck and was nearly always in some kind of situation, sometimes it was his own fault, sometimes it wasn't. i felt what was like, an obligation to help him sort everything out, all the time, i felt enormous amounts of pity for him, we fought a lot. i was always disappointed in what he was able to offer. it got to the point (honestly this had been true for a while before we ended it) that i wasn't even overly excited to see him, it was just a shrugs sort of thing. i didn't have much to say to him, his general dullness and lack of energy sort of sucked it out of me on top of his generally depressing situation. his family was...hickish. his mother's house was a hoarders house, filthy. i felt bad for him, he wanted more for himself but was too goddamn beaten by life to get it. 

i stuck it out because he had so much *potential* in him to do incredible things. he used to do all these martial arts, had tons of certificates and achievements, but lost motivation to do much about it slowly throughout our time together. he was incredibly in shape when we first started going out but due to various things, deaths in the family, financial distress, etc, he stopped going to gym and working out and lost a ton of weight and started having issues eating and sleeping, he smoked weed like a chimney...he said he would quit smoking for me when we first started going out and he moved onto a vape and didn't stop vaping for the entire 10 months we were togther, and got much worse on it towards the end. 

his diet was horrible, ate like a teenager, which i'm sure didn't help his mood. and not working out like he used to. he absolutely has adhd and needs therapy and through most of our relationship i tried to get him to get medicated and i think that pressure made him feel worse too, but i wasn't going to stick around if it didn't happen cos he was forgetful and showed up late to things and...he tried (sort of) but w no real fervour. the last month after we fought a bunch of times (he accused me of cheating like twice) he put some real effort into finding therapy, etc, but doing that seemed to stress him out even more and he got shittier...we just couldn't find the same level of joy in each other

it was weird to like...acknowledge that he was physically beautiful, like in the body, he had incredible hair, but my attraction was so flip floppy because my attitude and mood towards him was generally neutral-negative, with the occasional happy moment...really fuckin sucks because i don't know that i'll find someone as beautiful as him again, he was proportioned so so well, gorgeous hands, long and lean but not scrawny (though as time went on he got skinnier and skinnier, and grew more self conscious about it, aargh)

we had lots of hobbies in common and i could make him laugh...he was very accepting of me and never said a single mean or offhand thing about my appearance whatsoever. he was only complimentive, was definitely utterly attracted to me and it was enourmously validating and gave me something i'd missed my entire life. confirmation from a dude that i was appealing, that i could be loved

i think he did love me, he said it wayyy too early, but. i also think he was kind of a simple dude, he wasn't very eloquent and we couldn't engage in overly deep conversation and i admit it did bother me. i spent a lot of time wondering, if i was attracted to him and found comfort in him and he cared for me and wanted me back and we got along fine, if that aspect of him could be overlooked, you know? cos all this other stuff was great

except then it slowly wasn't great and so ...that became more of a problem w time. i got embarrassed when he spoke around my family & friends, not because he would say anything BAD...it was just often sort of, basic.

that being SAID i genuinely think that aside from the unmedicated adhd, his years of boxing and fighting have actually rattled his brain a little because sometimes conversing with him was like talking to an alien. he'd continue conversations in the weirdest ways, like adjacent topics but not really along the same track...or he'd use incorrect tones when bringing up a subject or asking a question, it was odd. it resulted in a lot of confusion for me. 

his family was really dull. bumbly country types very typical of the region i live in, something that i've always been, admittedly, kind of a prig about. i hated it growing up, and i still kind of do, and the accent of the region is so deeply unsexy to me and that was something about him i tried very hard to ignore. poor man. but anyway, dull, sloppy people...his mother was particularly odd. very quiet, boring...we'd visit and she'd just, sit there quietly, him too. no dyanism at all. they didn't hug or anything it was so stiff and yeah her HOUSE was violently gross and she never like, cleaned up, two old dogs...

and you know what all of that despite being horrible might have been tolerable but, he was a wreck. it was all just too damn much, probably for us both really but..yeah

i really hope he gets his life sorted out, gets therapy, gets medicated. like genuinely i do, he was a nice person and made me feel good about myself despite everything. i wish him well

initially i was like well maybe we can try again in a few months or something, if you can work stuff out in a timely fashion, but my roommate (bless em) was like yeah no that's a stupid idea and trust me it won't work out, and tbh once i was like..hey sorry no let's actually break up i felt enormously relieved that i wouldn't have to deal with any of that again, despite the fact that i cared about him 

but it made me realize that i was only really there because... he was my boyfriend. i HAD a boyfriend, i had someone to text (not well, tbh, he wasn't the most consistent corresponder), someone to hold, someone to sleep with. company. and that was what i was clinging to. if i loved him, it might have lasted a very short amount of time, it had barely had time to grow before it was sort of shuffled into pity and obligation caring from just, EVERYTHING

there was a period right after the breakup where i was panicking about never finding someone else, that that was it for me, and i realized too that i had been thinking that for months. how sad is that? if someone was with me cos they thought they couldn't do better or find someone else i'd be devastated. so...

it's better that it has ended. i've felt very liberated. i'd been feeling so boxed in and scared for my future and DREADING it, which is so insane, just thinking about being around his family, being at the mercy of his decisions, his inattentiveness, they way he commented about things, the simplicity of it, the deep sadness and all that pity i was so UUHGHG and now i am FREE and phew. phew.

i should also mention that about 5ish months ago i got a birth control implant in my arm and it has done some pretty terrible shit to my mood, admittedly, i've been depressed too for a little while (also on like constant periods, ughhghg, which has hurt my general libido and self esteem)but i hadn't realized how bad it has gotten till my mother suggested it the other day like. oh shit yeah, this is how i used to feel before i started getting medicated for adhd, just, that everything was pointless and futile and dull and stupid and so yeah i've got an appointment to get it out of me and return to a better mood. bc has always made me depressed, each variant of it, but i was really hopeful it wouldn't happen w this version cos the fear of getting pregnant and the annoyance of condoms was making sex casually stressful for me

but so did being on my period all the time despite his (blessed) indifference to it, and my mood being randomly shitty but mostly unenthused, lmao. i'm sure it had its part to play in our relationship ending but truthfully it might have just made it easier to pull the trigger at the end of the day cos there was more than enough from him to justify it even w/out my own depression at play

SIGH. 

i've already been pondering how i'll next go about dating....i really really dislike dating apps, it's so artificial and forced, wondering if/when you'll get feelings on dates, etc, vs just getting to know someone organically in your environment?? but goddamn where do i DO that?? i'm not in school, i work from home...thankfully covid hasn't been as much of a thing but it still WAS this time last year when i started poking around dating apps, i even HAD covid at the start of this year. so it might be easier now on some level but not really...

gonna wait till the new year probably before making a dedicated effort, ought to give myself time to reflect and mourn this and stuff. 

but you know, given that it was my first relationship, 10 months is not bad really. i wasn't happy for the most part during it but haha i proved that i could DO IT. i've proven to myself that i'm desirable, worthy of someone's time and love, someone's dedication, someone's interest. maybe it'll be easier to let someone else in now, maybe it'll just HAPPEN...