this might actually be a record as it's been like, 2 days or something but idk i keep having thoughts. as most humans do. whatever
anyway it seems pretty obvious from reading past entries and just, considering my own feelings that this thing w ex wasn't going to last. like EARLY ON i had a fair number of hesitancies that i brushed aside because wow! hot boy like me! and i was very curious and eager to have experiences and he seemed a decent chap to have them with
i'd love to claim that i was a bigger person here, but i really wasn't. i held back a lot as soon as i gathered that he was unreliable, kinda ditzy in certain ways, etc. it's like i took a secondary track right after we started dating, if the options were 1) date and fall in love and marry etc like this is It and 2) this is fun and nice and i went on the second track without even THINKING about it
i was all 'blah blah i love him and this is great' except obviously not cos i never felt much. i cared for him, i had sympathy and felt affection but...it wasn't...like that. he was attractive but my lack of feelings & his constant issues sort of muddied my attraction such that i was never super into things. i just kinda did them cos i knew he'd like it and it made him happy, which validated me. there was some stuff i liked, but really, EVERYTHING was sort of 'aight'
there was a like, sense of accomplishment that came with satisfying someone emotionally and sexually. i didn't really linger on it, at all, ever, in the moment though cos i knew if i did my reasoning for staying would fall apart quickly. i never really actively thought of it like i was just....experimenting...when i SHOULD have cos it would have spared myself some ick. like, mental ick.
we were playing at a long term, loving relationship, but my heart was never really there, and he was too messed up to really properly get it either tbh. i'd go answer the door to see him and feel...nothing. not even excited, really, just like ah okay he's here. i didn't even feel the urge to kiss him hello, which i think bothered him. it just felt like an obligation, and when it's the right person or you have FEELINGS it...probably doesn't feel that way. i said something along the lines of wondering if sex was expected all the time and he got really weird by it...at the time i was trying to be honest and say i wasn't as into it as often as i put out, but that conversation went sour quickly. one night i was overwhelmed and literally started crying in the middle of it cos i didn't even particularly want it i was just, filling a role, and i was concerned i'd be stuck doing that forever. even when i was like, wanting the sex, it was more...because i enjoyed someone wanting me, and he was pretty and i got to study and touch someone, not cos i felt lust. like barely ever. there were truly very few times where i was actually ...really into it and not just sort of like, yeah this is okay. this sounds awful. he didn't do anything without my consent, and it also i sound like a jackass for keeping that to myself and misleading him but. i think he could tell.
and aside from sex stuff, i don't know. i don't miss....him...exactly. i do miss him in some ways but not in a way that i'm like --but wait my life is over without you--. i miss having a boyfriend to text me, to hold me. it's lonelier now but it's also a relief, it's more a relief than anything else. that i'm not stuck there with that for my future, with his family, the way he lives his life, having zero expectations for him as a human being...
a summary might be: we were compatible but not long term. we got along well enough when things weren't expected. like if there was some kind of relationship where we hung out and stuff and had sex sometimes (if it wasn't EXPECTED...frankly the. routine and notion that it was necessary really cut the legs out of it for me) and i didn't have to see his family or friends and he didn't have to see mine.
see the *i am looking away* was so strong in my own head that i felt, weird, referring to him as my boyfriend. i didn't overly like it, i felt oddly embarrassed to do so most of the time cos i wasn't proud of the situation. i *knew* this, like, this wasn't even the repressed stuff this was up front. and yet i still went along with it....
i'm a dick!!!!!
no just. lonely. and he wasn't a bad guy, i knew he cared for me and he was respectful and very modern and reasonable in all kinds of ways that matter to me. maybe that's why i stuck around so long. i was reluctant to end it cos there was a lot about him that i thought was downright miraculous, that i'd never find in someone else, at least not in that combination. but....
it turns out a lot of other stuff matters too. i was pretty displeased in general. it just felt stupid to feel that way when i had all this other good stuff, when he was NEVER mean to me, accepted me for who i was.
uughghghhg yes i know, someone else out there can do that too and also give me everything i need (where it counts).
but what if...i am not personally capable of actual romantic love. and actual lust. what if i can't do it. my sex drive has always been a very back burner thing, i don't really require it (obviously, otherwise i'm sure i'd have pushed through the discomfort of dating earlier if it was really necessary for me) but i love feeling someone else into me/enjoying it & me. how does one approach new prospective dates like hi i don't want this all the time but maybe sometimes and preferably not until after like, a long while of knowing you okay?
and as for love....prior to my ex, i would have said (had someone asked) that i had feelings for 2 men in my entire life. some dumb idiot in high school, and the musician man. neither of whom i dated. i was ...drawn to them, somehow. an argument is that that is not love, but infatuation, and okay sure if we call it that then i was infatuated w only 2 men.
my 'infatuation' period w my ex was very short. i didn't feel drawn to him after a while, just sort of, amused on occasion. like he was a little creature under a microscope. or a character in a book. and once that ended i was like welp
i don't know if i can feel love normally. i don't easily attach myself to people, i don't LIKE a lot of people. and once i DO form an attachment, i also don't let go easily. i used to say i will probably always love people i loved at one point, at least a little.
i saw the guy i liked in high school for the first time in like a decade a few months ago and was like 0_0 ...nah...(i was dating my ex then at least)
i saw musician man earlier this year when i went on a trip to see a friend in the states, and he showed up as well and i cried my eyes out after we parted cos i felt SO much, not like, romantically but there was/is something beautiful and wretched about him and i do think i'll always love him on some level, i think that's true
my ex....i don't know. he's just some normal guy, we both live in a smallish city, we don't hate each other. i'm sure i'll see him around (preferably not for a while but). i hope he gets better and has a good life but idk he doesn't make my ....soul feel on fire or anything, as stupid as that sounds. right now thinking of him is a weird mixture of sadness and guilt and fondness, like a brother or something?? which is, again, a thought i had while dating him. like what do you call this sort of intimate relationship where i care for you but i don't have romantic feelings and picturing my life solely beside you makes me PANIC
it's not like it would have hypothetically 'worked' w the musician man had he been interested. dating him would have been impossible, he's like actually insane. i spent so much time flipping between love and utter exasperation in the time i was around him a lot like...he wouldn't be able to care for anyone but himself, either
ugh! it's just a lot of stupid thoughts!!!
last night i was turbo baked on my stoop watching the rain and shit and it knocked my birth control induced depression aside for a second and let me think like Happy thoughts. I thought that, despite everything, i was grateful to have finally felt someone love me, someone wanted me and cared for me and that was something i had been wondering if i'd been worthy of my. entire. life. and i had that question answered, finally. a boy loved me, wanted me. ME.
but he wasn't enough for me
i'm scared nobody will be lmao