lord, well,

emotions are so messy. idk i always have this stupid assumption that i am so controlled and so mastered blah blah i'm so different from other people blah

idk i do actually think that on some level, or maybe, it's more like i think that things are more complicated overall than what we're told or what we expect, and i get it

my own emotions are more complicated than even *i* know. like how ridiculous is it to qualify a bundle of neural impulses as a single emotion, one single feeling. i feel only this way about this person. 

i had times while i was with my ex that i thought, you know, if we weren't 'dating' in the way we're 'supposed to', this would be a lot better. just hanging out with someone you get along with, when you want to, don't really have to fuss with each other's fuckin families or whatever. like a friend, but one you cuddle with and sleep with and maybe like waking up next to sometimes. i wouldn't be so bent about envisioning my future with him if i wasn't concerned about reliability or stuff. idk somehow the pressure of the trappings of a relationship made it feel, oofy, like maybe that would all be fine with the 'right' person.

or MAYBE i'm a wild child and don't want to be pinned down that way

but at the same time i do believe in monogamy, commitment, etc. but how silly is that, you can't ask that of anybody. you gotta....live together, eventually, you gotta go to family events, etc. you gotta share bills. there's no real choice for what i was thinking. i cared about him, i CARE about him, i'd prefer if he didn't sleep with other people. i don't care about his family, really. i want his life to improve, but i am not sacrificing mine in order to see if he gets better

but i fucking care about him. i wonder if i always will!!! i said this shit last time! 

i was like i don't think i ever loved loved him but i wonder if i did and it was just, a different sort of love.  or do. what if it's not romantic or familial or friendly, what if there's somehow a fourth fucking option cos that's sort of what it feels like

. dodging the point of this post entirely i mean, idk why, i'm only reporting in to myself here

he came over today to drop off some stuff i'd left at his place. he'd texted me out of the blue that he was moving to a different province and he'd found some of my things while packing and did i want him to drop them off

so i was like, yknow, smooth and cool about it and i definitely didn't go home (i was out tutoring) in a weird stupor and definitely didn't cry for like a full hour

it was a relief, he was moving for a good job with some extended family, away from here. away from people in general. and soonish. it gave us an opportunity to see each other again, something i knew i really wanted but wasn't sure when to do so (it's been 2 weeks since the break up and i hadn't seen him since we fought that day, and then broke up over discord). i felt badly about how we'd last seen each other, awkward and sad and hostile and defeated, i'd hurt him even though i didn't really and he'd overreacted (he said that today) and i couldn't bear to let that be ..it. 

i had been entertaining so many thoughts about, reaching out to say goodbye, one last romp in the sack etc. it just hadn't felt like a real goodbye or ending, it felt unfinished and sort of sour

i think we were both sort of hoping for that cos he asked if i wanted him to bring anything other than my stuff and i was like, a hug pls and he was like can do and so he came over and i hugged him and burst into fuckign tears again and he came up and we chatted for a while and held each other and had really really good sex and chatted a while more. it felt so much better, the relief was palpable, we were sappy and smiley and i half cried a bunch of times it's so stupid and emotional uughg. and it was nice, it was like when we were first dating and just shot the shit and made dumb jokes, he told me i was so pretty and that he loved me and honestly i said it back cos i really felt it. break ups are fucked up man but i DO love him it's just. so weird...

and through it all we were both still like. on the same page, we're broken up, we're not getting back together. but we care about each other. he said he's been messed up for a while and apologized for some things. his new job will provide him with a lot of solitude, i hope it helps him out. he said it's so hard to talk to people now, and yeah. poor guy, god. 

roomie's going to be gone all this week coming up so like a doofus i suggested we hang out at least a few times, a few final times, we're going to do fun things and it'll be nice cos it won't be...more than either of can chew, i suppose. neither of us will be dating for a while, after, and he wants to stay in contact and chat sometimes, which i think will be all right. 

i want that. like even if one or either of us dates someone else, i don't want to toss him out of my life cos i fucking CARE. and he's so comfortable to be around. 

i wish it didn't have to be this way but it HAS to be this way, he can't date for real, and i won't put myself through dating him 'for real' again. 

i can only hope i'll find someone else as beautiful and comfortable as him, it's not like i've forgotten all the stuff that was wrong about us but oh ym god i'm sad i'm so sad why does this shit bring out the better in both of us in order to make the right choice so much more difficult 

him moving away will really mean that it's over, like for real. the other night i tweeted out that it didn't feel over and that it wasn't done done, and i guess i was right. but it'll be done done soon enough. i'll cherish these final days with him and then...ii don't know. i'm going to be so lonely. i was so lonely in the 2 weeks i didn't see him, my thoughts had been all over the fucking place like i was briefly exalted and determined that i'd find someone else and then i was miserable at the thought of finding someone else and then i was just missing him and wondering when i could see him again, but not wanting to get back together, feeling confused, and then what do you know god dammit

i'm glad he seems to understand. it sounds like i'm being used and it sounds like he's being used but it's mutual, we're using each other lmao. see the problem is we're so comfy around each other, it's all very easy when it's not like. serious stuff. 

ugh this all sounds cliche as shit ugh ugh whatever who the hell knows what will happen. literally everything says not to contact your ex for like a bajillion years after you've broken up or you'll never get over them, etc. 

it's sick but i keep envisioning us like. meeting up every once in a while and being together and going our separate ways, or something. whenever he comes ashore, ha ha ha. which is obviously total nonsense but it's oddly romantic in its way. maybe neither of us are cut out for traditional relationships...maybe we'll find comfort in each other sometimes. 

it's just me being unable to let him go when i know i need to, at the end of the day. i think after this week it'll feel like a real break up instead of the weird limbo it was, and i think i'll be fucking alone for a long while again i don't know what the hell i want or how i want it