this might actually be a record as it's been like, 2 days or something but idk i keep having thoughts. as most humans do. whatever

anyway it seems pretty obvious from reading past entries and just, considering my own feelings that this thing w ex wasn't going to last. like EARLY ON i had a fair number of hesitancies that i brushed aside because wow! hot boy like me! and i was very curious and eager to have experiences and he seemed a decent chap to have them with

i'd love to claim that i was a bigger person here, but i really wasn't. i held back a lot as soon as i gathered that he was unreliable, kinda ditzy in certain ways, etc. it's like i took a secondary track right after we started dating, if the options were 1) date and fall in love and marry etc like this is It and 2) this is fun and nice and i went on the second track without even THINKING about it

i was all 'blah blah i love him and this is great' except obviously not cos i never felt much. i cared for him, i had sympathy and felt affection but...it wasn't...like that. he was attractive but my lack of feelings & his constant issues sort of muddied my attraction such that i was never super into things. i just kinda did them cos i knew he'd like it and it made him happy, which validated me. there was some stuff i liked, but really, EVERYTHING was sort of 'aight'

there was a like, sense of accomplishment that came with satisfying someone emotionally and sexually. i didn't really linger on it, at all, ever, in the moment though cos i knew if i did my reasoning for staying would fall apart quickly. i never really actively thought of it like i was just....experimenting...when i SHOULD have cos it would have spared myself some ick. like, mental ick. 

we were playing at a long term, loving relationship, but my heart was never really there, and he was too messed up to really properly get it either tbh. i'd go answer the door to see him and feel...nothing. not even excited, really, just like ah okay he's here. i didn't even feel the urge to kiss him hello, which i think bothered him. it just felt like an obligation, and when it's the right person or you have FEELINGS it...probably doesn't feel that way. i said something along the lines of wondering if sex was expected all the time and he got really weird by it...at the time i was trying to be honest and say i wasn't as into it as often as i put out, but that conversation went sour quickly. one night i was overwhelmed and literally started crying in the middle of it cos i didn't even particularly want it i was just, filling a role, and i was concerned i'd be stuck doing that forever. even when i was like, wanting the sex, it was more...because i enjoyed someone wanting me, and he was pretty and i got to study and touch someone, not cos i felt lust. like barely ever. there were truly very few times where i was actually ...really into it and not just sort of like, yeah this is okay. this sounds awful. he didn't do anything without my consent, and it also i sound like a jackass for keeping that to myself and misleading him but. i think he could tell. 

and aside from sex stuff, i don't know. i don't miss....him...exactly. i do miss him in some ways but not in a way that i'm like --but wait my life is over without you--. i miss having a boyfriend to text me, to hold me. it's lonelier now but it's also a relief, it's more a relief than anything else. that i'm not stuck there with that for my future, with his family, the way he lives his life, having zero expectations for him as a human being...

a summary might be: we were compatible but not long term. we got along well enough when things weren't expected. like if there was some kind of relationship where we hung out and stuff and had sex sometimes (if it wasn't EXPECTED...frankly the. routine and notion that it was necessary really cut the legs out of it for me) and i didn't have to see his family or friends and he didn't have to see mine. 

see the *i am looking away* was so strong in my own head that i felt, weird, referring to him as my boyfriend. i didn't overly like it, i felt oddly embarrassed to do so most of the time cos i wasn't proud of the situation. i *knew* this, like, this wasn't even the repressed stuff this was up front. and yet i still went along with it....

i'm a dick!!!!!

no just. lonely. and he wasn't a bad guy, i knew he cared for me and he was respectful and very modern and reasonable in all kinds of ways that matter to me. maybe that's why i stuck around so long. i was reluctant to end it cos there was a lot about him that i thought was downright miraculous, that i'd never find in someone else, at least not in that combination. but....

it turns out a lot of other stuff matters too. i was pretty displeased in general. it just felt stupid to feel that way when i had all this other good stuff, when he was NEVER mean to me, accepted me for who i was. 

 uughghghhg yes i know, someone else out there can do that too and also give me everything i need (where it counts). 

but what if...i am not personally capable of actual romantic love. and actual lust. what if i can't do it. my sex drive has always been a very back burner thing, i don't really require it (obviously, otherwise i'm sure i'd have pushed through the discomfort of dating earlier if it was really necessary for me) but i love feeling someone else into me/enjoying it & me. how does one approach new prospective dates like hi i don't want this all the time but maybe sometimes and preferably not until after like, a long while of knowing you okay?

 and as for love....prior to my ex, i would have said (had someone asked) that i had feelings for 2 men in my entire life. some dumb idiot in high school, and the musician man. neither of whom i dated. i was ...drawn to them, somehow. an argument is that that is not love, but infatuation, and okay sure if we call it that then i was infatuated w only 2 men. 

my 'infatuation' period w my ex was very short. i didn't feel drawn to him after a while, just sort of, amused on occasion. like he was a little creature under a microscope. or a character in a book. and once that ended i was like welp 

i don't know if i can feel love normally. i don't easily attach myself to people, i don't LIKE a lot of people. and once i DO form an attachment, i also don't let go easily. i used to say i will probably always love people i loved at one point, at least a little. 

i saw the guy i liked in high school for the first time in like a decade a few months ago and was like 0_0 ...nah...(i was dating my ex then at least) 

i saw musician man earlier this year when i went on a trip to see a friend in the states, and he showed up as well and i cried my eyes out after we parted cos i felt SO much, not like, romantically but there was/is something beautiful and wretched about him and i do think i'll always love him on some level, i think that's true

my ex....i don't know. he's just some normal guy, we both live in a smallish city, we don't hate each other. i'm sure i'll see him around (preferably not for a while but). i hope he gets better and has a good life but idk he doesn't make my ....soul feel on fire or anything, as stupid as that sounds. right now thinking of him is a weird mixture of sadness and guilt and fondness, like a brother or something?? which is, again, a thought i had while dating him. like what do you call this sort of intimate relationship where i care for you but i don't have romantic feelings and picturing my life solely beside you makes me PANIC

it's not like it would have hypothetically 'worked' w the musician man had he been interested. dating him would have been impossible, he's like actually insane. i spent so much time flipping between love and utter exasperation in the time i was around him a lot like...he wouldn't be able to care for anyone but himself, either

ugh! it's just a lot of stupid thoughts!!!

last night i was turbo baked on my stoop watching the rain and shit and it knocked my birth control induced depression aside for a second and let me think like Happy thoughts. I thought that, despite everything, i was grateful to have finally felt someone love me, someone wanted me and cared for me and that was something i had been wondering if i'd been worthy of my. entire. life. and i had that question answered, finally. a boy loved me, wanted me. ME. 

but he wasn't enough for me

i'm scared nobody will be lmao

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 3:16 PM EDT

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I don't want to do this but it's been a bit over a week and I ought to (???) record some of this for future me cos I know it'll be of interest. Or at least, idk, something to help me remember because feelings are fleeting and I forget a lot of people and my own feelings and I don't WANT this to slip away from me, even if it's not like active in my life I don't want to FORGET any of it. It doesn't deserve it.

And I don't want to forget because I want to keep this feeling of confidence and of self assurance, I don't want to have it fade too far into the background because it will make starting again extremely hard and I've enjoyed feeling like I'm worthy of someone's time.

Okay anyway, we broke up last weekend.

I've gone over this so many times since then with myself, with other people, that I'm already kind of tired of it but again I gotta do this for future me who might sink back into 1) feelings of inadequacy or invalidated self worth, or 2) a thing with him or something since she might forget why it is we ended it lmao. Clearly i have a lot of faith in myself 

This should have happened last week when I was still busted up about it vs now in which i'm just sort of, mostly alright and already thinking ahead ugh

It had probably been coming for a long time, he was insanely depressed and had a lot of PTSD from childhood, his family, his previous relationship. i was just constantly stressed out for him, he had insanely bad luck and was nearly always in some kind of situation, sometimes it was his own fault, sometimes it wasn't. i felt what was like, an obligation to help him sort everything out, all the time, i felt enormous amounts of pity for him, we fought a lot. i was always disappointed in what he was able to offer. it got to the point (honestly this had been true for a while before we ended it) that i wasn't even overly excited to see him, it was just a shrugs sort of thing. i didn't have much to say to him, his general dullness and lack of energy sort of sucked it out of me on top of his generally depressing situation. his family was...hickish. his mother's house was a hoarders house, filthy. i felt bad for him, he wanted more for himself but was too goddamn beaten by life to get it. 

i stuck it out because he had so much *potential* in him to do incredible things. he used to do all these martial arts, had tons of certificates and achievements, but lost motivation to do much about it slowly throughout our time together. he was incredibly in shape when we first started going out but due to various things, deaths in the family, financial distress, etc, he stopped going to gym and working out and lost a ton of weight and started having issues eating and sleeping, he smoked weed like a chimney...he said he would quit smoking for me when we first started going out and he moved onto a vape and didn't stop vaping for the entire 10 months we were togther, and got much worse on it towards the end. 

his diet was horrible, ate like a teenager, which i'm sure didn't help his mood. and not working out like he used to. he absolutely has adhd and needs therapy and through most of our relationship i tried to get him to get medicated and i think that pressure made him feel worse too, but i wasn't going to stick around if it didn't happen cos he was forgetful and showed up late to things and...he tried (sort of) but w no real fervour. the last month after we fought a bunch of times (he accused me of cheating like twice) he put some real effort into finding therapy, etc, but doing that seemed to stress him out even more and he got shittier...we just couldn't find the same level of joy in each other

it was weird to like...acknowledge that he was physically beautiful, like in the body, he had incredible hair, but my attraction was so flip floppy because my attitude and mood towards him was generally neutral-negative, with the occasional happy moment...really fuckin sucks because i don't know that i'll find someone as beautiful as him again, he was proportioned so so well, gorgeous hands, long and lean but not scrawny (though as time went on he got skinnier and skinnier, and grew more self conscious about it, aargh)

we had lots of hobbies in common and i could make him laugh...he was very accepting of me and never said a single mean or offhand thing about my appearance whatsoever. he was only complimentive, was definitely utterly attracted to me and it was enourmously validating and gave me something i'd missed my entire life. confirmation from a dude that i was appealing, that i could be loved

i think he did love me, he said it wayyy too early, but. i also think he was kind of a simple dude, he wasn't very eloquent and we couldn't engage in overly deep conversation and i admit it did bother me. i spent a lot of time wondering, if i was attracted to him and found comfort in him and he cared for me and wanted me back and we got along fine, if that aspect of him could be overlooked, you know? cos all this other stuff was great

except then it slowly wasn't great and so ...that became more of a problem w time. i got embarrassed when he spoke around my family & friends, not because he would say anything BAD...it was just often sort of, basic.

that being SAID i genuinely think that aside from the unmedicated adhd, his years of boxing and fighting have actually rattled his brain a little because sometimes conversing with him was like talking to an alien. he'd continue conversations in the weirdest ways, like adjacent topics but not really along the same track...or he'd use incorrect tones when bringing up a subject or asking a question, it was odd. it resulted in a lot of confusion for me. 

his family was really dull. bumbly country types very typical of the region i live in, something that i've always been, admittedly, kind of a prig about. i hated it growing up, and i still kind of do, and the accent of the region is so deeply unsexy to me and that was something about him i tried very hard to ignore. poor man. but anyway, dull, sloppy people...his mother was particularly odd. very quiet, boring...we'd visit and she'd just, sit there quietly, him too. no dyanism at all. they didn't hug or anything it was so stiff and yeah her HOUSE was violently gross and she never like, cleaned up, two old dogs...

and you know what all of that despite being horrible might have been tolerable but, he was a wreck. it was all just too damn much, probably for us both really but..yeah

i really hope he gets his life sorted out, gets therapy, gets medicated. like genuinely i do, he was a nice person and made me feel good about myself despite everything. i wish him well

initially i was like well maybe we can try again in a few months or something, if you can work stuff out in a timely fashion, but my roommate (bless em) was like yeah no that's a stupid idea and trust me it won't work out, and tbh once i was like..hey sorry no let's actually break up i felt enormously relieved that i wouldn't have to deal with any of that again, despite the fact that i cared about him 

but it made me realize that i was only really there because... he was my boyfriend. i HAD a boyfriend, i had someone to text (not well, tbh, he wasn't the most consistent corresponder), someone to hold, someone to sleep with. company. and that was what i was clinging to. if i loved him, it might have lasted a very short amount of time, it had barely had time to grow before it was sort of shuffled into pity and obligation caring from just, EVERYTHING

there was a period right after the breakup where i was panicking about never finding someone else, that that was it for me, and i realized too that i had been thinking that for months. how sad is that? if someone was with me cos they thought they couldn't do better or find someone else i'd be devastated. so...

it's better that it has ended. i've felt very liberated. i'd been feeling so boxed in and scared for my future and DREADING it, which is so insane, just thinking about being around his family, being at the mercy of his decisions, his inattentiveness, they way he commented about things, the simplicity of it, the deep sadness and all that pity i was so UUHGHG and now i am FREE and phew. phew.

i should also mention that about 5ish months ago i got a birth control implant in my arm and it has done some pretty terrible shit to my mood, admittedly, i've been depressed too for a little while (also on like constant periods, ughhghg, which has hurt my general libido and self esteem)but i hadn't realized how bad it has gotten till my mother suggested it the other day like. oh shit yeah, this is how i used to feel before i started getting medicated for adhd, just, that everything was pointless and futile and dull and stupid and so yeah i've got an appointment to get it out of me and return to a better mood. bc has always made me depressed, each variant of it, but i was really hopeful it wouldn't happen w this version cos the fear of getting pregnant and the annoyance of condoms was making sex casually stressful for me

but so did being on my period all the time despite his (blessed) indifference to it, and my mood being randomly shitty but mostly unenthused, lmao. i'm sure it had its part to play in our relationship ending but truthfully it might have just made it easier to pull the trigger at the end of the day cos there was more than enough from him to justify it even w/out my own depression at play

SIGH. 

i've already been pondering how i'll next go about dating....i really really dislike dating apps, it's so artificial and forced, wondering if/when you'll get feelings on dates, etc, vs just getting to know someone organically in your environment?? but goddamn where do i DO that?? i'm not in school, i work from home...thankfully covid hasn't been as much of a thing but it still WAS this time last year when i started poking around dating apps, i even HAD covid at the start of this year. so it might be easier now on some level but not really...

gonna wait till the new year probably before making a dedicated effort, ought to give myself time to reflect and mourn this and stuff. 

but you know, given that it was my first relationship, 10 months is not bad really. i wasn't happy for the most part during it but haha i proved that i could DO IT. i've proven to myself that i'm desirable, worthy of someone's time and love, someone's dedication, someone's interest. maybe it'll be easier to let someone else in now, maybe it'll just HAPPEN...

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 4:44 PM EDT

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i'm having a hard time with ...emotions

i'm still learning a lot about ADHD and just how much it permeates every aspect of my life, basically, how it is responsible for certain behaviours and qualities that i may possess, and in turn, that HE possesses because he definitely has it too (unmedicated, which, oof)

like. i keep feeling concerned because 1) i'm very easily annoyed, as i have always been, which makes feeling GOOD emotions almost impossible unless the annoyance is dealt with properly and that doesn't always happen. i have a much harder time shedding negative emotions and it sucks when the situation doesn't actually call for that much of a negative emotional response and yet i am sucked into it and quite often cannot escape, ruining an otherwise good time for myself or being unable to pick myself back up. this seems to be an adhd thing, emotional dysregulation, which is like Cool but how can i stop this because it makes me feel like i don't possess good feelings for a thing. like if i'm annoyed or angry or upset i LITERALLY cannot fathom feeling positively towards a person, i don't feel love or friendship or anything else in that moment and if the moment stretches on without resolution i am straight up apathetic like the me that is generally happy is gone entirely, it's fucked up!! but, in addition, 

2) i can't seem to hold onto good feelings anymore? or if i've ever really been able to once a hyperfixation or whatever passes? in the moment i'm fine, i feel all sorts of things, though still it's never really like how i read about how a particular emotion exists for other people. like. i don't....feel, butterflies or whatever w my boyfriend, i don't feel electricity when he touches me but i have never felt these things for anyone. it's almost like, outside of negative emotions my happy emotions are much duller? much less rewarding somehow, or like, my ability to access positivity is limited...my own life doesn't stimulate me as much as fiction can, my brain is seeking the nuance and the depth of what is capable in fiction but fiction isn't REAL and that's the point, i ought to be content with what i have because what i have is frankly really great! i can acknowledge this, but, somehow, i'm...idk, dissatisfied constantly, but i get the feeling i'd be dissatisfied no matter the circumstance or person

i'm obsessed with romance but a romance that isn't real, i'm obsessed with a kind of interpersonal connection that isn't possible. and truly, when i'm with him, i *am* pretty content 

it's just when i'm NOT that i start pouring over bullshit constantly like i can't even trust myself or him

in addition, he has ADHD as well, and he doesn't really like texting or IMing or anything and so my communication with him when i'm not around him is minimal or lackluster and that makes my already wobbly feelings wobblier because they're not reinforced regularly. i feel like an infant but...idk, if i don't talk to him for like a day or two i don't even feel like i'm dating someone, i can think on memories we've made and think about him but most times it's in this disaffected way like he's not even real like i have object permanence issues

thinking back on other relationships i have (friends, family, etc) if i wasn't in semi regular communication with them it was sort of the same deal. my family gets a pass cos i grew up with them and i don't feel the need to talk to them every day (though, i almost do in some shape or form) but my close friend used to chat with me a lot more and now doesn't and it was a really really rough transition for me when they pulled back from being as online. i grew upset and confused and i'm now realizing this is a similar situation. it's not that they don't care for me, cos they do, it's just that this form of communication isn't their thing and in the early days it was easier cos it was fresh and new but they just don't really handle this well, when we're in person they're clingy and sweet and wonderful.....just like my bf. 

i just wish i didn't need it, i hate feeling, dull and disaffected and unwanted. i don't know how to feel okay with it while knowing these people care in their own ways and seeing them is just fine, but i'm afraid of my own apathy towards them without the reinforcement. i stop caring...i'm always the person trying at first to communicate and then when they don't reciprocate after a while i just stop trying and then what do you know i haven't spoken to them in years and years. bf is obviously a different story since i see him several times a week but it's like a micro version of that, even in the few days i don't see him it's like my brain takes off and i'm Alone, i can't care properly. then if my attempts at keeping in contact fall flat (and they do, repeatedly) i get to the point where i'm at now where i just don't try and i don't hear from him at all for like a whole day or two and it's like goddamn please help me stay into this

i guess i just, wish, someone in my life would want to talk to me as much as i repeatedly want to talk to everyone else and why am i so lonely and bad at feeling whole without this constant reinforcement. idk why i have to feel needed 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 10:28 AM EDT

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this is surely some kind of record, once a month for several months in a row,

it's not even like i have anything particularly meaningful to say (as if i ever do lmao) but as i said before i keep feeling a lot and i keep needing to deposit some of the jumble in my head somewhere. i think writing it down helps me analyze it a bit, changes the format of the !!! into something 'constructive' or whatever. 

i've been listening to a book about human (mostly female) sexuality and it's been very helpful thus far in helping me reframe some stuff about all of that in my own head, in a similar way it's both validated and formed the general feelings i've had about sex etc into something coherent, such that i might be able to work on things. sort of feel like it's a "final" puzzle piece to me feeling...whole and normal. and i know sex isn't necessary to feel content but i think it might be for me, or at least, i want to get the most out of it now that i'm having it

if that makes sense

in general there's this impression that everyone is easily aroused and easy to fall in love and easy to please and maybe that IS true for some but. not for this chick, and i guess not for a lot of people. i thought i was a freak genuinely but i just have a tricky set more or less, not impossible to deal with. essentially i just need to better listen to my instincts and take more for myself, the first of which i am typically good at in a general setting but shit at during sex it seems and the second i am shit at in general so, it's about reforming habits and self perception

when i was a little kid, my self image was pretty high. a lot of people told me i was cute and perfect and all this shit and it kind of inflated my ego, and i was pretty shrewd. i'd act certain ways *knowing* it made me cuter and it felt great to have that. and then i grew up and my looks became, i think, something more of a challenge for people in general. my confidence plummeted, due to just, general reception, critiques from my own father, other men, etc. all the while thinking that i wasn't ugly, while there are parts of my body i am less keen on and general health stuff i have to fight constantly, i've never thought i was ...worthless or unlovable. especially given the types that manage to find partners, which sounds fucking wretched and it maybe is a little but our world is a shallow one and i am a participant in it, we all are. the point was, i was, confused maybe by my lack of appeal overall. being tall and not petite and having a less than feminine nose was a killer combination, and yet, i saw men staring. i saw dudes ogling, i got catcalled on the streets. i'm fairly curvy. but i assumed that once they got close or got to know me my appeal was gone, or that while they might be superficially attracted they were probably confused by it and would generally ignore any impulse to try me on and instead would continue to seek the petite, the more feminine. i got the impression i wasn't "wife" material essentially. and a big part of me grew resentful of it, that i was saddled with features that are objectively fucking fine but because of western beauty standards i was less than ideal. it infuriated me

i kind of rolled with that throughout my teens/early 20s. and i gained some weight and any good traits i had and was remotely confident in vanished and i was miserable for most of my 20s. i'm kind of just stream of thought writing rn and might edit this or not who knows 

anyway the last few years my brain did some stuff and was like, actually, this is bullshit and i've had enough of wasting away in self pity and loneliness and this combo effect of 1) getting medicated, 2) losing weight and 3) getting a boyfriend (not all at once obvs this was spread out over 2 years i'd say, i just didn't really register the cause and effect/ trajectory of it all till...maybe right now). my confidence spiked with each of these additions is the point. the ADHD tackled my depression/motivation, the weight loss/healthier eating tackled one decent part of my self image and brought back the things i liked about myself and this relationship has been another generously validating thing. 

he acknowledges and praises and feeds me in ways i was starved for. i struggled for a long time with the awareness that i needed male validation, something women are told to not need or not crave to feel whole and worthy of living and like i don't need it for THOSE things i just, couldn't feel like a desirable creature until i had it and i knew this about myself. maybe it was unhealthy, but i think it was just deeply personal due to my history. i wanted to be wanted, and wanted in a meaningful way. 

he's not the most talkative person, not to say he's silent but he's someone who isn't used to people caring about him/not using him, so getting him to open up is sometimes tricky. and i get the impression that he would grow attached to anyone who would spare him their time in a not shallow way, because in some ways i think he's had the opposite experience. he's a fellow with a lot of physical blessings, and he's been in some shit because of it. people hit on him inappropriately, treat him like a piece of meat essentially. that is to say he's good looking and kind of downplays it in odd ways, he is proud about it in some ways (he works out) but he hunches over and isn't the most outspoken person, like he's trying to diminish his presence and remain unknown. it's an interesting combination. like of course one wants to be attractive and to take pride in one's appearance but if people are constantly trying to take advantage of you or see you as an enemy (men seem to act like dicks to him a lot) ...and he's a bit proud... so his history is full of tussles. he's had to defend himself a lot, fought a fair amount it seems. 

anyway what all that is to say i am filled with a lot of odd feelings, like,

pride at having snagged him because he's kind of a catch (albeit, the downsides atm are that he's in a real rough patch of his life and that has tried my patience a fair amount, to the degree that. had he not stepped up the other day i was a blink away from breaking up with him even though i really, really, really did not want to given that i am genuinely in love with him but. his current predicaments make him somewhat inattentive and there have been a number of times where my time has been wasted and that really annoys me, and if discussing it with him isn't enough i was prepared to step away because i do have pride. but heyo it was fine and i am massively relieved, i just need him to try) (anyway that really derailed this section where i am trying to brag about him haha) ...and i know i'm not ugly but like. you know it's something when you show him to people and they go "wow!" or my friend ryan who was like "please don't take offense but like how did you get this guy" and i am like YEAH I KNOW i'm not offended cos he's right. but the thing is bf is a major goob and softie and i treat him with respect and he's apparently super hot for me so fucking that

all that to say also i feel sort of like. he's dating down with me in certain ways, though i guess, status wise i am dating down by dating him??? idk my roomie has implied as much lmao and yeah in some ways i can attest to being better off financially, and i'm more mature, my shit is definitely more together as a whole. but like. he could do...so much better than me physically if he really wanted to. i'm in decent shape and i have features he seems to love but. he could absolutely get a more beautiful, smaller, attractive thing no problem...so there's pride but also confusion, i have to frequently tell myself not to question his decision in dating me, whether or not i simply arrived at a "good" time in his seeking cos like there are likely so many more attractive people who could be compatible with him, the point is *I* got him, luck, my own merit, whatever

i've lost track of what i was saying, if i was saying anything at all,

i think what i was trying to get at was, this handsome, compatible man likes me and enjoys my company and i make him laugh. and he does this thing where he just stares at me, stares and stares, like i'm not real or something and i just cannot reconcile the intensity of his gaze with ME. it fills my chest with something cottony and warm and makes me want to cry a little and often my squirming makes him apologize for staring but it's like, no, don't stop actually i just don't know how to receive it, i don't know how to process i can't stare at him in the same way for very long though i try there's something too vulnerable in it

having that individual attention is something i cherish. someone wants ME, over anyone else (hypothetically). a man, a dorky hot man. it's just STILL preposterous, somehow !! it's been 4 months! i don't want that feeling to ever go, i don't ever want to take this for granted. not that i'm saying i like him simply because he likes me or that nobody else could ever like me because yes this is proving it is possible, but that's, not the only part. it's just a nice feeling and i don't want to be the same as other people who seem to view someone's interest in them as simply *whatever*, run of the mill normal. 

i'm also still. deep down, the me that existed up until, idk, my mid 20s? the me that would clam up and turn into an stiff asshole around men i thought were attractive or even men i didn't have a personal attraction to and just knew they were attractive by like, society's standards. they deeply intimidated me and i just felt that they didn't see me at all, that i had all the merit of a brick wall. and you know what that's probably still true and i am still ...very afraid and unsettled by most men. but anyway sometime in the last few years i guess i snapped and just started being myself more and truthfully that did seem to...work. WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING but i mean it worked in that it went from Dudes Did Not See Me to Dudes See Me Because I'm Funny But I'm Not Dateable (a la fat female character in a comedy movie)

which idk, is that an upgrade? maybe? i guess so cos then at least i was less of a pill overall if i wasn't really concerned with getting their attention in some sort of datey way even if they weren't someone i wanted to date in particular? god this is some sloppy mess i'm sure it only makes like 50% sense but whatever

ANYWAY 1) bf was. different right from the start even though i was sitting across from him during our first date like *jaw on the floor*, at least through my intense nervousness i was able to. converse and shit (he later said i was awkward but obviously not enough to repel him and i gave him shit for saying i was awkward because frankly so was he and he's still not the greatest at like, initiating conversation). there was something warm and inviting about him even immediately and he's very easy to talk to. possibly it was the immediate realization during the date that despite his looks he was a total dork 

2) possibly because we spoke briefly on tinder first it wasn't like. completely unknown territory and i already knew some basic facts about him (. we talked about anime a bit so like i probably could have anticipated he was dorky but i didn't know the EXTENT of it is the thing, plus games and anime have become rather mainstream)

..my cat just came up and love bombed me, peeling me away from this for a few minutes and upon returning i think i've run out of steam here. truthfully i started this entry like almost an hour ago this shit takes a while to get out. have i said anything? nope. 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 1:43 PM EDT

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another hot garbage entry but

i feel diseased like i can't stop thinking about him, us. but i'm so happy, i've never felt this sort of thing before. we had a really intense time together the other night that ended in an argument of sorts. it was really awkward and tense (it was my fuckup entirely and it took a lot of patience and coaxing to get him to open up about what was bothering him) and the entire time i was freaking out because, while i had been thinking i'd been working up to love in the last few weeks of us hanging out that i despised him being unhappy (particularly unhappy at me) and i would be genuinely upset if somehow it never recovered and it just HIT me that i was in love with him and god that is a powerful thing to realize

eventually it ended up such that i was effectively sprawled across his chest, so so comfortable, listening to his heart and his breathing and (yes, we were baked but that aside) i had just this moment of nirvana, i didn't think i'd ever felt that happy and comfortable and just, wholly content as i was in that moment. and i was fully PRESENT there, i wasn't thinking about the future or even about the tense time an hour prior to that which is UNUSUAL for me. i have zero ability to just exist in the current moment and relax fully but i was DOING IT. something about him....i was so so happy. obviously emotions get the better of us but i couldn't help but think then that i'd never been so happy, and that even if somehow we didn't work out how blessed i was to have been able to feel that. to let my guard down enough, to know he cared for me too. what a joy! 

i finally understand why people seek this out, why this is so important. my god. i was so lonely for so long and i thought i didn't need it but i guess if you're starved for a nutrient that is critical for happiness but you've lived without it thus far you don't think it's necessary but wow! wow!

i tilted my face up and finally mananged to say those dang 3 words i'd been stewing on for days and he just said it back so simply and i knew that already cos he'd said it first literally two months ago but !!! that! instant rightness that comes from saying it (a vulnerable admission! is it always a vulnerable admission?) and having the intended party reciprocate!! how...grounding.

we went to breakfast the next morning and talked a bit more at length (since we were no longer high and half asleep) which was needed i think cos there was still some awkwardness left over from the previous night's situation and just, by the time that was over we were two stupid giggly blushy fools and i feel like crying right now typing this. i speared some fries off my plate with my hamburger poker thing and he just looks at me with this disbelief and says "you do that too??" and yes, i do, i just don't do it much cos people always make fun and he said that he always got into shit for doing it too and it's just

i don't think i'll ever be able to fully imagine that eternal monogamy is a thing possible for most people, and by that i mean, statistically the odds of two people staying together, happily, for their whole lives is so unlikely. and i am 29 and this is my first boyfriend (oh yes that was established a few weeks ago yeehaw) so like, if i somehow only ever dated this man (and was happy!) that would be some INSANE luck 

what i'm saying is i am trying not to place all of my emotional cards into this, that i maybe should keep a section of my mind on the possibility that this isn't IT to spare myself at least some pain if it doesn't work out but the problem is despite my practicality i am deeply romantic and i don't think i am personally capable of doing this over and over again

i clearly had a hell of a time even getting to this point even ONCE. i don't think i have it in me to love someone this way many times. i hope we are together for some years at least

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 8:37 AM EDT

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roomie's off at their grandparents for family stuff so i have the place to myself for SHENANIGANS and by shenanigans i mean. idk reading my own diary and being able to think about stuff in an open space without fear of being interrupted

it's funny cos i'm home alone constantly but technically it's during work so my brain is half occupied by other stuff, i haven't had much time to just. contemplate without deadline

so today i did something i'd been wanting to do for months and dug into the hallway closet to find my one physical diary (other than the one i currently use) i kept over the years. i'd written in several since i was 12 or so but threw the majority out. i decided to keep the most recent one, a big guy i started when i was 16 and finished when i was 20 and that was the one i wanted to read. i wanted to reflect on my current dating situation and bask in my achievements by reliving the sadness of my youth OKAY??

so i did that and it was great. sad, yeah. i feel so much pain for myself, as stupid as it sounds. it stung reading 17 year old me venting about never having had a boyfriend or never having been kissed and how terrified she was of going to uni that way, only for that to ...continue...for the entirety of my 20s. technically i did go on two dates, when i was 20 and 21, with the same guy and i kissed him on the first date (my first kiss unfortunately) but it was like, i slammed my mouth to his and bolted from the car and did not kiss him on the second date. 

and TECHNICALLY i guess when i was....23? whenever it was when i moved to TO with my current roomie and then roomie (their SO), i kissed both of them one night when we'd been drinking out of curiosity, felt nothing, and never did it again. :) 

so up until a few months ago i'd not actually, really, kissed anyone. that first date w my not-quite-boyfriend (as ive been calling him) was the first time i'd kissed anyone with any actual fervour, not to mention with tongue. at age 29. 

genuinely embarrassing but jesus like. my god. i've been so alone. my whole life i've been so alone and the moments when i'm lying with him listening to him breathe in bed with me, we've just had sex, i'm staring up at the ceiling...the contentedness is unreal. i mean i know post-sex hormones are a thing but he just makes me feel so comfortable and so relaxed and so...idk...right. 

i said this in my written diary but it's like intimacy is necessary?? being close to others, being physical? seems to sate some hunger or some need. it's not like i wasn't aware of that before but it was interesting to be able to directly correlate the lack of something to its source. like every night of my young adult life feeling so desperately lonely, so empty, something was not right, something i wasn't doing. and i kept thinking but obviously i'm not dying, i'm fine, it's only at night that i feel this way, etc. i think i felt worse than i let myself know

i just....didn't want to do it for the sake of doing it. i didn't want that companionship enough to settle or to date blindly. i was so rarely interested in people and still felt that loneliness, that was a really fucking hard thing to reconcile. it was so hard to even get tinder and to even try a date with this man, and somehow, i lucked out massively in that he was interesting enough to push past my hesitations and general inability to tell if i like things, and that he was someone i COULD eventually like. he's so much of what i only dreamed of finding that it freaks me out a little. it's not like he's perfect or that there aren't traits i am not 100% about, it's not that. it's just that they happen to be things i don't mind or things i am okay with dealing with considering the rest, yknow? the rest being stuff i find far more important. highly specific to me, things that if i listed i'd sound insane for even caring about or considering as like deal breakers or whatever. 

i guess it speaks to the depths of my inexperience and general patheticness that i'm just. overwhelmed at the concept of other people experiencing this all the time. what do you MEAN people have...someone look at them, like he looks at me, all the time, everywhere? do people...feel this deeply or think about things this deeply or is it all much easier for them? do they take it for granted? i just. i've always been a sucker for romance in media despite myself and despite the general lack of evidence suggesting actual connection/happiness in couples was a real thing. very rarely did i ever see a couple that actually seemed to love each other...i mean maybe i don't have all the facts and obviously there's stuff couples can't do in the presence of others to indicate their affection cos it's only polite so like my perception could be skewed by social niceties but I DON'T KNOW it really always seemed so fucking bland and like people were just fulfilling ROLES and it looked horrible and sad and i didn't want it if that was what it meant, but in the meantime, i was YEARNING and lonely..

and now obviously in the butterflies/honeymoon stage of a new relationship i'm all aflutter and shit and i get to say all this stuff about others' relationships seeming dull and perfunctionary just because mine is all shiny and spicy and new BUT...i can't shake the feeling that this is still different, he's. more.

we've had a few talks about it too, not very very in-depth considering we're still getting to know each other, but he mentioned apprehension over similar things and that so many people just seem, uninteresting, or like they're just fulfilling roles. he said that ! about relationships! AGAIN i just can't believe my luck

but also...how is anyone supposed to recover from this? i think, part of why i didn't extend myself into dating much was simply because i don't think i have it in me to do this many times. i don't want to share this much of myself over and over, i don't want to reform this sort of connection again and again, as is normal. he looks at me like that, like he can't get enough, like he's so happy to be there with me. i don't want that to fade, i don't want to feel dull again

is it luck, or is it just HIM? is it all like that? i can't believe i found someone so sweet and emotional and hurt and beautiful and dorky, for me, i can tell he's a rare human and if this doesn't work out i'm SUPER FUCKED for having this be my first real relationship, how the hell is someone else supposed to compare

aaaaaaaaaa this is pure garbage this entry but i'm letting myself feel things. i feel things for him and haha zoinks someone feels things for ME

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 4:46 PM EST

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belghg

i mean not REALLY blelghg i am just, sort of, overwhelmed at the moment. 

i'm still seeing this guy, he's sweet and dorky and very pretty and we get along really well and have plenty in common and it's nice

christ i sound like i'm leading up to a big "BUT--" and i'm not 

actually i sort of am but not in like a doomed way just in a..but i wish i could talk about it at ALL with someone. like. i keep turning to my diary or this site when i can't stand keeping it all to myself cos i have no outlet otherwise

my roommate and best friend of like 8 years is not even someone i can talk about it with because they're so up their own ass, constantly, they don't even ask about it or seem to fucking care. like this is a huge deal for me. but at the same time people generally don't talk about their very personal dating shenanigans with other people UNLESS its like, a bestie.  but no. it's possible i could just bring it up myself and they'd respond well enough but truthfully i don't want to with them, as ever, it makes me uncomfortable to bring up topics the other person might not find all that interesting. which is the typical situation because they do that to me all the damn time. they've been on this minecraft youtuber hyperfixation now for not quite a year and goddamn it is ALL THEY TALK ABOUT. i feel like i'm going insane. like they've been prone to this sort of behaviour the whole time i've known them but this is so much worse than usual, and part of me like...reaching out and dating is to get away from THEM a bit, detach myself, gain some agency and a life for me

and god is it ever nice to have someone's attention. to have someone there for ME, because they like ME and not indi or anyone else. 

i've never had that before...

i do love my roommate but i'm tired of feeling so alone in life. i've thought this for a while now, felt a fissure growing in this particular way. a need to move on and try something new, have this for myself. and it's happening! it's actually happening! it's hard to see it that way but it really is...

last night he was over and we played games and had sex and sat there and gabbed and it was nice. he told me he loved me

which was. idk much like every other time we've hung out it was like 'ah, okay'. i think about him and about us and about our hangouts like . constantly. i look forward to it and he makes me feel really comfortable and content honestly but like. i don't know why i feel so guarded, always, i struggle with being in the moment and letting myself be happy and feel things. somehow in the last few  years despite always being more like my dad, very emotional, i've...come to understand my mom more. i keep thinking i'm acting like her. not being very outward about how i'm feeling, keeping things to myself, even FROM myself it feels like. 

i'm trying to understand my own wants and feelings more than anyone else lately like. i feel almost like i'm piloting someone else's body and brain, i can't tell if i like things. i just know if i *don't* like things. it sounds very weird but i swear because this is all new to me, sensations and feelings etc i don't know how to process them. i was thinking about it while baked the other night (lol) but like. it's like unlocking a different part of your brain you hadn't used AT ALL previously. it's confusing. despite wanting it for so long yknow?

anyway he is, very soft and understanding and i said i couldn't say that back yet but that i liked him a lot and i hope that's okay and he seemed totally fine with it aha

in the same span of an hour though i'd previously sort of nudged at the concept of us being 'boyfriend and girlfriend', no real cool way to approach that subject and while he said he'd go along with it i could tell he wasn't really jazzed with the idea yet so i was like it's all good, we can get there if you want whenever, so then he tells me he loves me like half an hour later like ????? dude...i said as much and he just laughed and said 'one step at a time' like ljdfgkjdffdg that's out of order methinks but okay

. well, just spoke a bit with roomie about the above just cos i had a hard time totally keeping that to myself and they said you can always talk to me about things and i was like aha...uh...

somehow the conversation has turned a direction i've been trying to avoid for ages now and that is their insane obsession with mcyt wish me luck

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 9:46 AM EST

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holy shit okay

it's been 3 years! hey, it's been 3 fucking years again, what the fuck

i'm 29 now. 

i was bemoaning my lack of options for ranting about my experiences and then i remembered, wait, i have this hideous ancient sinkhole on the internet i could return to and so here i am. i really ought to download an archive of this thing in case it goes down (. why the HELL hasn't this gone down. it's LITERALLY 16 YEARS OLD) and i think i'd be sad if it was suddenly gone. it's this stupid experiment, really, a testiment to the longevity of the internet and of my own patheticness. like a horrible cool art piece. for whiners.

anyway. the actual reason i wanted to rant was because i wanted to BRAG indecently and this is not an urge i tend to have a lot. bragging is kind of ugly to me; nothing wrong with feeling happy about your accomplishments but i feel like vocalizing them for accolades is where it becomes less about the goodness of your accomplishment and more about the validation and your self-importance? 

i write this down for ME, for my own self-reflection. i have on-off hand written diaries from over the years but they aren't consistent and neither are these blog entries really. maybe i'm just a flake. 

honestly it's more, i think, that life is largely just this in-stasis feeling of banality, so why bother write down my everyday shenanigans as if they're relevant. i mean, it's probably cool from like a future scholarly perspective or something but i don't particularly feel like reliving my boring day by writing it down yknow? 

goddamn i go off sometimes, i'm delaying saying what has brought me here because even writing it down (..again, i already made a shitty diary entry but) feels classless and kind of gross but this is for YOU, future me, and i hope things have gone well enough that looking back on this doesn't fill you with unpleasant feelings instead of happy ones but,

TO THE POINT,

i started seeing a guy a few weeks ago. 

there i was, minding my own mediocre business as usual when it occured to me out of nowhere that i was 6 months away from turning 30. and still a virgin who has never dated, or even really kissed. and i just sort of lost my mind that evening and signed up to tinder (not for the first time, but) and after a few days of sifting through extremely uninteresting, dull men, i matched to someone. a day went by, i didn't say anything. mostly i was perplexed because the match was to a dude i sort of swiped right on in a kind of "LOL OKAY SURE" way (as in, out of my league, pipe dream sort of swipe)

but then he messaged me. and we started chatting, lightly, as you do. i'm vibrating with confusion and nerves and after a few days he asks if i want to get a drink. 

i took a whole damn day to respond with a yes. after several days of single messages we finally ended up at a local pub for a meal and a drink. 

i cannot express the level of anxiety i had meeting him there. i literally had to stop a few times on my walk over to just. vibrate into the ground. i felt sick. there were just too many variables to take into account and not to mention my inexperience and general fear regarding intimacy made it feel like i was walking into death trap; i'd stated on my profile that i was demisexual (approximately correct, mostly i was just hoping if that was something someone kept in mind if they were into me, that i might not want to be physical for a long while, to give myself some fucking chance at even trying to date)..

i eventually vibrated my way to the place and was let in and sat there and then he was like fucking 20 minutes late but then he comes in and HOOKAY there's this, pretty man sitting across me. far too pretty to be sitting across from me. frankly the like, absurdity of the situation unlocked something in me and i found myself chatting with him somewhat like a human being. a very nervous, shaking human being but once i inhaled some beer it got better. he was wearing a buttoned short sleeve shirt and his arms were fucking beautiful. it was tough to not ogle, but he stared at me all night. he barely looked away. it was intense. 

after quite a few hours (???) and some food and drink we went on a walk in the dark and when i broke away to leave we made the fuck out standing there on the sideway on the street like. like. i'd barely ever kissed someone, and then i was frenching a dude i just met. 

i returned to my stunned roommate at my lateness and i was like well that happened and yeah. it was, nice. i didn't feel anything from the kissing, though it was interesting and pleasant i suppose, but roommate assured me that was normal...and so i floated on that bizarre cloud for a few days until he asked if i wanted to go for a walk one night. so clearly i hadn't messed up or anything.

we went on the walk, i gave him a chaste kiss at the end (i was very worked up that he'd have gotten the wrong idea given our kissing last time so i was like. no big kiss this time sir) and then a few nights later we went out on another proper date. 

okay i don't think i need to go into so many details really. the gist was, i liked him more and more the longer i hung out with him, he was fucking. impressive. like a marble statue physically, he goes to the gym every damn day and works out. and he likes nerdy shit like me and doesn't care about my height (we're basically the exact same height) or my nose i guess?? to summarize it shallowly and blandly. also he was very sweet and kind and totally lacked charisma (i mean this in like. he's, straightforward. no artifice there, but also no swagger, he's a dork in the body of a god, i cannot believe it). i keep switching tenses like he's gone or something but i'm getting caught up in my own story telling with how i perceive him now, which is largely similar except a lot more intimate lmao ha ha can you guess why

and i was sort of loathe to even mention it a lot anywhere in case it stopped being a thing but it continued and then i had him over for dinner and movies a few nights ago and well, god damn, our making out lead to us having sex so whoops

felt kind of dumb considering i'd made this huge fuss (to him, even) about being unsure about being physical for a while etc but like he's just so HOT and nice and was really into me so like. i guess i just kept thinking yolo, why the hell not, come on. so honestly it was like, alright, i was once again not really feeling much but i'm hoping with practice and me knowing him more and more it'll be better. it was definitely fascinating so even if i don't ever find it all that pleasurable i think it'll still be something compelling, at the very least. 

i wrote a lot more there and deleted it cos. unecessary. also tacky. this is already too much really. i just feel the insane compulsion to document this much at least, this huge first for me. the last few weeks have been layered with firsts, and i have the somewhat unique perspective of approaching them from a fully developed, adult brain (sigh). 

i went into the anxiety of the first date but that anxiety persisted, lowboil, for these past two weeks and kicked into high gear each event day to the point of me feeling sick. the consequence of being constantly filled with anxiety is shitty sleep and weird bowel movements (sorry) and extremely diminished appetite. i've lost like, 7 or 8 pounds. pretty unhealthy, but the thing is, (something i did not mention before because i went right into the boy stuff) i lost a bunch of weight over the last year or so, (50 lbs as of yesterday), which has been fucking great and done wonders for my self esteem. like despite the boy stuff i feel far more attractive now than i ever have. my hair is longer too and my skin isn't so bad for once. i'm also vegan now and have been for the last year or so so that has benefitted me greatly for those reasons. i go for a walk every morning with my roommate.

so like despite still being ME with my myriad physical complaints about myself at least my weight isn't one of them anymore. i look good for me. so while i'm not insanely fit like he is at least i'm not, overweight or sloppy anymore, oof. i really don't KNOW why he's into me physically but he certainly seems to be ha hahehgifghg

god, sorry. i'm just. basking in the newness and strangeness of it all, reciprocated attraction and interest. i had sex! FUCKING FINALLY.

but also, just.. 1st, the ridiculousness of my first time being with a goddamn olympian, at age 29, that's so fucking funny. like i'm a legend. honestly. and 2nd, that i saw my deadline approaching and went out and got this insanely compatible man and slept with him within two weeks. I'M A LEGEND..........

. god, looking at the last post i made in here compared to now there are so many gaps i am not explaining and i don't really fucking want to. 3 years is a long time.  maybe i'll do bullet points kdfksdg

- musician man...was complicated. obviously nothing came of that nor did i ever expect it to, that was just me crushing hardcore one-sidedly. i was vague about it but for some reason while he was staying with us there was a weird moment where his back was sore and i offered to rub it for him because i'm a clown and he was like okay sure and so he stretched out on the couch with his shirt rucked up and i massaged his back for a like a weirdly long time with A535 and it was hot and i felt fucking bad kind of but he also seemed to really enjoy it but eventually my hands started going numb from the fucking mint and i'm sure his back was in no better condition considering it was A535 so we stopped and went to the store and carried on as if that didn't happen and he continued having a thing with my roommate which sucked ass for me but that ended up going down in flames a few months later so la tee da. we don't speak all that often, it's weird now, but he's also literally insane so idk. his music still slaps though it's probably always going to be a favourite and he's still one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen but dems the breaks i got this hot nerdy man now i am stoked about

- i mean, covid happened, and is still happening, so there's all of that. like damn. it's just so everyday now that making a point of talking about it feels stupid. a lot of the last two years has been eternal loneliness and sitting around bored and stir crazy. possibly some of that was what inspired me to go to tinder and boy i do not regret that (as of now, fingies crossed)

- graduated college (idk if i mentioned that...) and recently finally got good work in my field, was able to quit my dumb layman job and so i've been doing that for a few months (it's contract work unfortunately so it'll be over end of january :( but i'm searching for more work in the meantime)

- i started my own business and have had SOME freelance work but not a lot, hoping to have more in the future. got to make some stuff for some people though! pretty cool.

- shit also damn i forgot that musician had hired me to make him a music video, which i DID, i finished it in 2019. i'm still pretty smug that it even happened honestly

i want to make more stuff for musicians in the future, i had to smaller gigs this year i was happy to get but that's like...dream job....i'll keep working towards it. 

running out of steam for this so anyway bye i had sex 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 12:36 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, 21 December 2021 1:37 PM EST

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okay so

uh. 

boy. Christmas time. I'm back here.... it's been. some kind of year. 2018 was so much. not all bad though! so much good.

it's just been a lot

that musician stayed with us for a month. it was wonderful and awful and overwhelming and I miss him with an ache foreign to me

it's tropey to be so very into someone and it makes me feel incredibly ordinary but he's so violently different that surely what I'm feeling isn't the usual boring emotion that everyone calls love? unless this is the only way I can feel it, for someone this complicated and fascinating and beautiful. no one else is like this. I don't want anyone else. he's the only person that has interested me outside of the occasional random compelling stranger passing by. I wonder what that is, that I'm so selective in my interest. interest isn't the right word, it's more of a primal inclination like there's something drawing me to these rare individuals

it's so lonely. I wish I could find myself looking at more people, to feel that interest expanded to something healthy and satisfying and wholesome instead of being alone all the time, expending energy into these selective few, unreciprocated. 

he...I don't even think he was uninterested which is another aggravating factor. my God a man was not totally repelled by me

it was just too complicated

I can still feel his skin under my hands, smoothing down his back, sharp smell of Wintergreen

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 11:05 PM EST

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i don't feel the compulsion to vent on here that i usually do, it's just that i remembered this thing and therefore had to write an entry. seems the tradition

uhhh what to say. went on a trip with my roommate and a friend of ours online, that was super fucking fun. nearly met the musician man....that was interesting. ah well. you know all about it 

maybe i'm a little tired. i've started going to the gym at night with my brother in an attempt to like, defattify. etc. also to boost my mood maybe

i'm currently taking anti anxiety/depression meds and they had been working enough, i would say. i'm also on month....4? of birth control, and it seems like maybe some of my depression symptoms have returned (sleeping too much....). i do recall that before when i tried birth control it aggravated my depression so i'm wondering if (despite the fact that i'm on meds as well as it being different birth control) it is doing the same this time too.

exercise SHOULD help my mood though, right

yeah idk if this entry was necessary i'm just chillin 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 12:01 AM EDT

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