okay it's fucked up

i don't even remember writing that last entry, and i'm feeling a little ashamed in a way but i do recall what happened right after that since it wasn't that long ago and i remember feeling really strange about it then too

okay so RIGHT AFTER THAT i decided to look through the last texts he sent me and like an instant off switch i IMMEDIATELY resumed living my life just fine without him. honestly that felt like the last vestiges of me caring were making one last heroic effort before dying off completely because i've not felt an ounce of that since

perhaps somewhat because a dude i was curious about a few months back reappeared on tinder and THIS time his instagram handle was on his account so i followed him there and he messaged me like hello? 

and THEN we went out for a few weeks 

I DID THAT????

during those 3 weeks, though, i didn't get to see him all that often because his schedule sucks ass and he basically never has consistent time on the regular to see ANYONE. that and a number of other factors culminated in him kind of ending things about 3 weeks in. he assured me that i was awesome and it was more him just not being in a place mentally, physically, etc to be in a real relationship, but he hoped we could be friends, etc. 

i wasn't happy, but i wasn't surprised either. cos all of that seemed true. 

july was a very fucking hot month here this year and due to that my apartment sat cozy at 30+ degrees for the better part of 2 months, actually. and that resulted in me being generally lathargic and irritable, and deeply unsexual, and so we only had sex twice, on the same evening. and it was nice, and i was hoping for more....but he ended it.

i spent the first two days or so being like ;nn;, then i felt shrugs,. a little evil thought wormed into my head almost as soon as it was 'over', though. i pushed it aside, not lending it any credence, and we resumed texting on friendly terms. i tried to re-initiate a different dating path i had almost started prior to this dude, that didnt work out either, and i had a realization that i was simply OVERLOADED by how many guys i had started to know over the past like half a year where after like 2 weeks of talking and learning about them, it doesn't work out (generally they just stopped texting or. yknow. not show up for dates etc)and i was like. losing track of MYSELF and what **I** wanted and i was tired of trying to please/appease all the time. so i deleted all FIVE of my dating profiles/apps and it's been wonderful not checking those constantly.

and then about a week after things had ended  with the guy i'd been seeing i was like oh yeah, he owes me dinner.....if we're still friends, i could cash in on that....

and then the evil thought from before managed to push past my sanity barriers and said 'see if you can get into a fwb situation with this dude' and uh. well. we went to dinner and i managed to get an invite over to his place to hang out and after a few hours also managed to kiff my way towards into having silly and intense sex and goofing around for another hour (ridiculous cos that was the most cosy/fun i'd had with him and we're not even dating anymore) 

something about having to no longer evaluate the man as a potential eternal mate or whatever lessens the pressures surrounding him, like, it's less irritating that he doesn't have 'x' together or says this thing or does that thing cos it's like. less of a reflection of me and my future and my tastes and more just a silly thing about him, this hot man who is my friend and i don't have to check in on all the time or think about him meeting my parents, etc, and i also get to sleep and fool around with on ocassion 

or something. we haven't like. formally discussed this at all. he just said we should do it again sometime and that he had fun and i was like yeah!! 

it's like. doesn't it feel like he's hit the jackpot lmao 

but i'm the one who pursued him initially. he said he wasn't sure, but we should try anyway, and he was the one who said i can't do it. and then i pursued him AGAIN

i'm kind of proud of myself ngl. even if it ends badly or quickly or something, i can still say i did it and also excuse me but i've slept with 2 different people in the last year. after sleeping with none people for my ENTIRE LIFE. and i INITIATED the second one, i said, hi i want you and he said okie dokie

???

like. cripes. am i awesome or something???

anyway. i HAVE thought about this, despite my flippancy and girlish idiocy. i spent a little while weighing the pros and cons of this decision but i decided that since i'm not actively dating at the moment (i think it'll be some months before i hop back on there) and there's this....really fucking tall dude with a great chest and pretty eyes right out there who wants to be friends and isn't seeng anyone and i only got to sleep with twice and i'm pretty sure he's at least attracted to me..............COULD I DO IT? 

the answer is yes. so far. if it ends up in a huge mess. OH WELL. like i have EARNED this, i'm thinking with my boner for the first time in my LIFE let me have this okay it's gratifying to be wanted after having no one and nobody indicate that they were ever into me for TWENTY NINE YEARS and i was only with my ex for 10 months so like, i DESERVE to be satisfied sexually okay there's so many things i haven't done and stuff i want to explore i am THIRTY ONE and am finally going through my late teens/early twenties it's fine 

i get the sense this dude could seriously help me out in this regard