ew hi it's the next fucking day and like a diseased person i looked him up on fb and saw, for the first time in months, photos of his face and of him smiling (not new--old, it looks like his profile hasn't updated since when we broke up. doesn't mean a whole lot, he didn't update it much when we were together either) and it made me cry for like 20 entire minutes so i'm doing great i'm doing so fucking well  i HATE THIS I HATE THIS

i can't even reach out to him (why why why) because i don't think i could survive him telling me he's seeing someone else. or, on the flipside, indicating in any way that he misses me. i can't do it, as the person who dumped him, AND as the person who already crawled back in january and after we'd gone right back into flirting etc he said he just wanted to be friends and i said i couldn't do that and then we had a big stupid fight again and we haven't spoken since 

it's SO FUCKING MIDDLE SCHOOL i can't DEAL

but appropos i guess since i didn't get to do this in middle school but it's just. hard.it SUCKS IT SUCKS IT SUCKS i've fucking flopped right back to where i was when we first broke up, somehow, i just can't picture wanting to be with anyone else but i can't be with him if he's like how he was. i can't. but i miss him and want him idk how i've relapsed so badly where did this COME FROM

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 4:58 PM EDT

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ew it hasn't been all that long since my last entry, generally doesn't mean good things have been happening

 not necessarily in this case but yknow I really don't come here to do anything but whine about my love life so 

 I wish the world would let me get over him, it's not even giving me a chance with anyone else. do you know how frustrating it is to have dated one person by the age of 31? if I'd have stayed with him (happily) I wouldn't really have this problem! that being the unfortunate relation of all dating experiences to this one dude. I can't think about going on dates, having sex, cuddling, having intimate conversations etc without relating it all to him. it's my entire frame of reference!! I mean, I've been on dates with other people (one other guy ages ago but w.e) but everything else is attached to HIM. i miss it, I want it, and my brain is still confused as to whether it's the thing itself or him that I'm missing, and I'm not being given the opportunity to fucking find out. every dude I've spoken to over the last 6 months on apps has failed to lead to a single date. aggravating. and the entire time I'm dreaming about my ex, noticing things he'd enjoy, wondering if he's okay.

all right to be fair it wasn't the entire time. but it's been... idk. weeks. months. it's so hard to say. I miss him and I don't miss him and I love him. I might always love him, I might just be fucked up that way. but at the very least it would be nice to put him in the background like my previous loves in order to move the spotlight over to someone else. I had to go look through photos for something today and even seeing him in the thumbnails for the pics was like a radar going off, I made the mistake of clicking on a few and I started tearing up. it fucking sucks. it's been half a year!! we only dated 10 months, goddamn. we just had such a strange, immediate, comfortable connection. I still see him and feel that MINE instinct.

I have no idea what he's up to, if he's still where he moved away last fall.. he's probably moved on, probably knocked someone up like he wanted. I didn't want it...i might have. but. I couldn't tell him that it was because he was so messed up that I wouldn't put myself through having kids with him even if I had pictured them, our kids. if he miraculously did a lot of personal growth and matured and idk, got therapy and started ADHD meds and learned how to look after himself better.... But blah blah blah I'll just continue to feel resentful that, despite all that stuff I just complained about, I can't get him out of my head. that someone so suited to me in a sea of unappealing people was dangled in front of me but was too damaged to keep

it would happen to me wouldn't it 

for the thousandth time I wish we (humans ) weren't constrained by... the unfortunate reality of isolated pairings. I really like this dude. we have this insane connection. but because he can't cut it for every avenue required of my single lifelong partner, of the only other person to potentially raise  any kids we might have, I had to discard him.. it feels really horrible and wrong to expect so much from our romantic  partners, when historically the many burdens of our lives were spread amongst each other, "a village to raise a child" etc. community. our parents were nearby.

(also his family was horrible horrible and I admit I very much wanted nothing to do with them)

but anyway. see, it's wretched. I want him. I don't want him in the way I'm supposed to. I can't have him if I'm supposed to have a One in my life capable of everything they're supposed to. but I won't settle for less of a connection and attraction, either, so I'm doomed 🤪🤪

I think the worst part is that if he were to show up here, randomly, which he wouldn't do cos that night be some kind of big confident gesture (not exactly his Forte) , I'm so fucking sure I'd be all over him. I have no doubt I'd be around him for .5 seconds and i would have some major issues.. the smart part of my brain is like NO NO NO WE DON'T WANT THAT, YOU'RE FREE REMEBER HOW TRAPPED YOU FELT and the dumb sappy part of my brain is like 👉👈 okay but remember also how you literally never felt as confident and comfortable as you did with him ?

and then the two halves of my brain start throwing rocks at each other and I start bleeding from the ears and do nothing 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 8:35 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, 13 June 2023 8:49 PM EDT

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yeah so that didn't pan out

didn't hear from that guy all weekend and then he showed up at like 1 pm monday with a "sorry i had no service all weekend and didn't get any till last night"

need i say more...

well, i will, cos i even gave him ONE MORE CHANCE, i said hi that sucked and i need more (timely) communication if this is gonna happen dude and then an entire day went by where he said nothing so i just deleted him from my discord

and the cycle continues

and then i spent a little while curious about this muscley dude who works at the gym. finally mussed up some courage this morning and asked one of the staff about him, got his first name, looked him up on facebook, he has a girlfriend and they attended a fucking freedom rally in the winter so that's a bust

HELP MEEEEE

and now i'm 31 !

haha check out that ancient emoji

anyway. yeehaw. idk what to do i am so FECKING LONELY and GETTING OLDER BY THE LITERAL SECOND but BAAH at least, at least i have had a boyfriend and i had lots of sex in those ten months lmao...but otherwise back to Eternal Singledom

a new zelda game came out recently so it's been good/bad to bury myself in that but as soon as that's done i'll return to being a huge sulk.

actually i'm still being a huge sulk, the only difference is at least i'm 'doing' something in my free time instead of wallowing about wishing i was making art

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 2:32 PM EDT

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one o these days i'll actually download these stupid diaries....there must be a function that lets you archive things. i would assume??? i keep saying i'm going to do it and then i forget about this blog for several months and then it's like lol oh yeah right

hey, did you know that i'll be 31 soon? isn't that fucked up? i'm pretty sure that's fucked up

having this random private diary for over half of my life feels wrong somehow. and yet, i can actually remember sitting in the computer lab in middle school writing those first few entries. glancing over at my best friend at the time, making sure she wasn't reading what i was writing. 

i want to say i've made great strides in the quality of my entries here but it was about stupid boys then and it's still mostly about stupid boys now 

i'm not really sure why i'm bothering with this. at the end of the day, it's just a really sad catalogue of a late millennial's struggles with accepting herself and finding love in an increasingly despairing world. like by the time i find real love and grow a healthy amount of self esteem, the apocalypse will happen, cos that's sort of how this stuff goes (narratively)

this last winter was really awful. i spent most of it basically scraping by, mentally, my ADHD meds and gym visits the only things propelling me forward, yanking a deflated puppet along the ground via a fistful of strings. breakups are umm, really hard? wow? only in the last month or so have i finally hit a point where i think i'm acceptably 'over' my ex enough to try on someone else

i've been on dating apps since like december, as foolish as that is. slim pickins out there. lots of people interested in ME, surprisingly, but few that i was interested in back. some conversations that lead nowhere. it's really tiring, actually, being on dating apps. surveying people like they're meat, judging them harshly based on little information or questionable photos...ugh. 

i maybe have a date for tomorrow, if this one dude i've been chatting with gets back to me in time. that's another thing i've been finding, that communication is really lackluster with the dudes i match with...things fizzle out after a few days of chatting. if i stop asking them questions, they just won't say anything else. which is aggravating! i've been told that it's partly just awkwardness or shyness on their parts, and/or the reality that is chatting with someone online that they've never met and have no physical connection to, etc. but like, that's the POINT, it's SUPPOSED to lead to a date? to meet? 

i've read that if a date isn't secured within a few days, dudes generally don't stay interested. but nobody has ASKED?? like yeah, i'm making a lot of small talk, and generally i don't go full boner into flirt mode cos i just don't operate that way and also i LIKE chatting a little because it gives me some indication of their character! apparently men don't need that as much, they are more drawn to looks overall initially and don't really care about a woman's interests/job/status etc. which makes women look materially shallow, but like, i want to invest my time into someone who doesn't need me to babysit them or mother them or won't stress me the fuck out all the time by not looking after himself or being a depressing blob !! i guess that makes me shallow 

i want to find an equal! but i guess men don't ...require that so much.

anyway, witht this last dude, the conversation had started to dwindle again and i was annoyed cos this one had a lot of appealing qualities and was actually chatty, when i got a hold of him, and so i asked HIM if he wanted to hang out and he was like yeah!! but getting the time/date nailed down has been wishy washy like holy shit man if you're interested, you could try a little !!!!!!!!! am i crazy? he said he'd let me know today for sure, the day before, and now i get to sit here all day waiting to see if he actually does tell me. it wouldn't surprise me if he said nothing at all, too. 

i actually think i'm pretty cool and interesting? yeah i'm a little unusual looks-wise but my ex was super into me and i think i have good qualities and skills not being put to use. i would enjoy...someone trying...

and then, the big spectre lurking over my horizon: i'm going to be 31 soon. i only have so many years left if i want to have kids. i've always sort of been...shrugs, about the entire affair, which to me isn't really enough to say "yeah kids!" in prospective dating situations. plus, i am very much NOT a fan of the concept of pregnancy. and BIRTH. i'm not very into the idea of permanently fucking up my body or possibly DYING. and then being responsible for someone's positive emotional and mental growth for 2 decades. 

the only circumstance in which i could envision children is like. if i loved someone so much that making a kid would...be the ultimate way to express that? to want to see me and him put together in a whole new human? that's..deeply romantic. to me. so like....i want to find someone while i still might have that chance, you know? 

bUT that someone has to also be a human that i could envision caring for a kid. having the mental capacity, the emotional maturity, the responsibility, and yes, the financial security to do it with me. my ex...during the height of my feelings for him, i'd pictured it. he wanted kids. he had a rough childhood with a neglegent mother and abusive father, and i think he wanted to rectify that in a way, to be a better father. and i pictured what our kids might have been like, and i was surprised by how much it appealed to me, i wanted to meet them. but. 

he was unreliable. he was broken. impulsive. he couldn't look after HIMSELF. if i latched onto that for forever and had kids, I'D be doing all the work, I'D be handling all of it. their stress AND his stress. we'd be broke. in some ways, it would be a repeat of my own family dynamic growing up and that freaked me the fuck out. i loved him, but i could not put myself in that position

...anyway. i hope he ends up in a good place. i HOPE he finds himself, i HOPE he can get what he wants out of life. we parted on a sour note, which blows, him begging me to stay in his life, and then when i said i couldn't be just friends so soon, he chewed me out, and i'm not going to forget what he said. he was hurt, and he lashed out. but it doesn't excuse it..

things in this new guy's favour: he is intelligent, articulate, easygoing. likes many of the same things i do. appears to be /shrugs/ about kids (at least according to his bio). has a decent relationship with his family. doesn't drink (neither did my ex, i will say, he was wise in his alcohol consumption as his father was an alcoholic..but he did smoke WAY too much weed). is a little flaky in correspondance but so was my ex. at least the correspondance is intelligent this time around (sorry...). and you know what, we haven't even been on a date. this could go nowhere! i shouldn't even be talking about it like it's a thing at ALL

i guess it's just cos this is the farthest i've gone since my ex with anyone. it'd be nice to have someone again, and preferably with like 80% less stress, JA FEEL???

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 9:38 AM EDT

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i guess i would describe this relationship as a very highest highs, lowest lows type deal

not long after that last post, a week or two, i sort of...came to my senses? realized it wasn't going to work long distance? i recalled all the bad stuff about it that prompted my breakup w him in the first place?

probably some combination of things. it's truly very odd how mixed up you can feel in situations like this, some days it's wretched, other days it's fabulous. some would say that you ought to not feel the wretched days THAT often and to that i can't speak to its truthfulness but i want to agree

i decided to more or less formally break it off. he was not happy about it and was very rude and immature (hurt, i understood it was mostly that he was hurt but the stuff he said was still hurtful even if it was childish) and blocked me everywhere for like, weeks, which i was fine with truthfully

kind of went through these waves of missing him intensely and not at all off and on for weeks...it's now been almost 2 months since i last saw him. somehow. and also ONLY 2 months. i feel both like i could move on instantly and also not at all

he unblocked me a little while ago, followed a few of my accounts. i didn't do anything or say anything. christmas day he wished me a merry christmas, and i did the same back. i was poking around on tinder all moodily over christmas just to ...look, more or less, and nothing was really striking my fancy or interest. i had a brief conversation with one dude who was boring and not really my type, so no loss there. and then i saw my ex was on there too and i got pissed off and haven't really been back on

like yeah. hypocrisy. also anger for knowing that that means he hasn't really done any of the mental work he ought to do if he's already looking to date someone new. no way he cleaned himself up that much in less than 2 months. good luck to whomever he dates next, really. cos lmao i don't know if he learned a single thing from dating me. his profile looked exactly like it did when i first started talking to him, same pic and everything. a pic his ex prior to me took. like come on dude

i think it's the same sort of frustration i felt when i dated him, knowing he could be so much more. he has so much potential to be everything, to be incredible, and instead he chooses to shrug his way through things and miss opportunities and refuse to accept mistakes, etc. project wildly onto other people and misremember situations. smoke too much weed. ugghhg

i vacilate between thinking that i'll never see him again and wondering if it really IS some sort of freakish pause. i don't know. i mean if he stays where he moved to it's done cos i have no real reason to go there, dumb seaside wife daydreams aside, i'd probably go nuts with no support nearby. 

i miss him though, a little, he wAS my friend and it was fun to dork out over stupid stuff with him and have someone to cuddle with and touch and boy was he HOT. his immensely compatible physicality is something i was reluctant to lose from fear of not finding something else that remotely satisfying for me personally and i'm still like. goddamn i hit the jackpot there why did he have to be SUCH a DOOFUS 

i often feel lucky and glad he actually actively removed himself from my proximity cos i would have had a hard time fully divorcing myself from him, as evidenced in the first breakup-reconciliation after 2 weeks. i keep wishing there was some relationship bracket that existed somewhere between friend and monogamous lover. like if we could hang out and be together physically and tell each other sweet nothings but have none of the pressures of knowing each others friends and families and sharing bills and planning futures, etc. all that shit? less great. truthfully my roommate fills that end in pretty well; that's a whole weird kettle of fish i don't really feel like expanding upon but tldr; 8 years of adult best friendship/roommateship tends to fill in a lot of the slots your significant other fills if it continues to go well. if only i could have squished them both together into the like. ideal partner lmao

but i also know that if i were in something like that with him i couldn't really go looking for an ACTUAL significant other or whatever. someone out there can be my lover and also my best friend and make good life decision. right??? 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 6:46 PM EST

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he might be gone gone now, possibly, not sure

we spent the majority of the last 4ish days together and it was ...so wonderful. just love love love and laughing and kissing and holding each other and i want to remember it for forever no matter what happens

he's moving away, we're not back 'together', but we undoubtedly care for one another and i think in a better time and place it would be....everything. we both seem to have landed on this understanding, somehow. who knows what the future will bring. when i told my mom she was like yeah your father and i didn't think you two were done and i was like ...oof 

there's a part of my brain that envisions being his wife and living on the coast and making my art and stuff there by the ocean, i'd have enough space since he'd be working a lot presumably. he even asked if i'd marry him ("it's getting harder and harder to imagine being with anyone else") and i didn't really respond, other than to say that i might have seen it happening had we continued, that sort of thing. i wonder if we're really done or if it's just a sort of hiatus, while he finds himself (mom described it as a 'walk about', not dissimilar to what i did when i moved away from home to a big city far away for a few years before moving back, my brother did the same thing...except i guess ex's is just later in life aha), figures out what's important to him, maybe addresses some of his brain demons, etc. 

i'm not really ready to remove myself from everything i have here, either. i've got a decent job, a great friend network, i live in a place where i can do silly art things like go to movie festivals with my friends and i've recently started tutoring at the college i went to a few years ago, my family is here...

if i ended up with him i'd be sequestered away more or less, he is moving to the middle of NOWHERE (as middle of nowhere as a coastal town can be) and it's probably not exactly the epicentre of arts and culture (not that where i am living currently is either but it IS markedly better than many places around here)

it's almost this feeling of, 'not quite the right time'. like we found each other, have this undeniable connection, but our circumstances aren't quite right just yet

in some ways i feel really lucky to 1) have felt something like this and 2) have been wise enough to not just throw myself into a potentially incorrect situation just because my heart went thumpity thump (...lame). i've done so much for myself over the last 5 years of my life and i'm proud of me in a lot of ways. i'm not really inclined to uproot and put myself at the behest of someone i haven't even known for a full year, cha feel bro???

we're keeping in contact. who knows what will happen. for now i'll just keep living my life i guess

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 10:18 AM EST

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i'm an idiot

this, endless crying, since last night, near endless crying

this has to be love. like real love, whatever it is. i'm beside myself thinking that i'll never see him again after this week. it's fucking insane 

he pissed me off SO much. he's busted and needs so much help and meds and i got so tired of so many things about him and now we're apart for 2 weeks and i see him once for a few hours and i'm losing my mind that he's leaving. yesterday he was so solemn and resigned and yet gently loving. i can't believe i have to throw away someone who looks at me like that...he hasn't even been in my life a year but i can't suddenly imagine not caring. but sometime...i won't. or at least i won't in this way, i guess. and i know it's basically a trick of the light because it's not like his problems are magically solved or he's less depressed, but it's funny how we can push all that aside when we realize that it's Done and suddenly it's only affection left, only comfort, the sweetness that was once there reappears before it's gone completely

why wasn't i this miserable before...i mean, i was, but it felt different somehow. aside from that first night right after the breakup, it felt something like this. it's a loss, it's a feeling of loss. like someone died. it's fucked up !!!! 

i;m both miserable and elated over the fact that i'll see him this week, presumably several times, or as much as i might like even...just, being together, nobody else, no weight of expectation or the future,

and then he'll go

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 10:17 AM EDT

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lord, well,

emotions are so messy. idk i always have this stupid assumption that i am so controlled and so mastered blah blah i'm so different from other people blah

idk i do actually think that on some level, or maybe, it's more like i think that things are more complicated overall than what we're told or what we expect, and i get it

my own emotions are more complicated than even *i* know. like how ridiculous is it to qualify a bundle of neural impulses as a single emotion, one single feeling. i feel only this way about this person. 

i had times while i was with my ex that i thought, you know, if we weren't 'dating' in the way we're 'supposed to', this would be a lot better. just hanging out with someone you get along with, when you want to, don't really have to fuss with each other's fuckin families or whatever. like a friend, but one you cuddle with and sleep with and maybe like waking up next to sometimes. i wouldn't be so bent about envisioning my future with him if i wasn't concerned about reliability or stuff. idk somehow the pressure of the trappings of a relationship made it feel, oofy, like maybe that would all be fine with the 'right' person.

or MAYBE i'm a wild child and don't want to be pinned down that way

but at the same time i do believe in monogamy, commitment, etc. but how silly is that, you can't ask that of anybody. you gotta....live together, eventually, you gotta go to family events, etc. you gotta share bills. there's no real choice for what i was thinking. i cared about him, i CARE about him, i'd prefer if he didn't sleep with other people. i don't care about his family, really. i want his life to improve, but i am not sacrificing mine in order to see if he gets better

but i fucking care about him. i wonder if i always will!!! i said this shit last time! 

i was like i don't think i ever loved loved him but i wonder if i did and it was just, a different sort of love.  or do. what if it's not romantic or familial or friendly, what if there's somehow a fourth fucking option cos that's sort of what it feels like

. dodging the point of this post entirely i mean, idk why, i'm only reporting in to myself here

he came over today to drop off some stuff i'd left at his place. he'd texted me out of the blue that he was moving to a different province and he'd found some of my things while packing and did i want him to drop them off

so i was like, yknow, smooth and cool about it and i definitely didn't go home (i was out tutoring) in a weird stupor and definitely didn't cry for like a full hour

it was a relief, he was moving for a good job with some extended family, away from here. away from people in general. and soonish. it gave us an opportunity to see each other again, something i knew i really wanted but wasn't sure when to do so (it's been 2 weeks since the break up and i hadn't seen him since we fought that day, and then broke up over discord). i felt badly about how we'd last seen each other, awkward and sad and hostile and defeated, i'd hurt him even though i didn't really and he'd overreacted (he said that today) and i couldn't bear to let that be ..it. 

i had been entertaining so many thoughts about, reaching out to say goodbye, one last romp in the sack etc. it just hadn't felt like a real goodbye or ending, it felt unfinished and sort of sour

i think we were both sort of hoping for that cos he asked if i wanted him to bring anything other than my stuff and i was like, a hug pls and he was like can do and so he came over and i hugged him and burst into fuckign tears again and he came up and we chatted for a while and held each other and had really really good sex and chatted a while more. it felt so much better, the relief was palpable, we were sappy and smiley and i half cried a bunch of times it's so stupid and emotional uughg. and it was nice, it was like when we were first dating and just shot the shit and made dumb jokes, he told me i was so pretty and that he loved me and honestly i said it back cos i really felt it. break ups are fucked up man but i DO love him it's just. so weird...

and through it all we were both still like. on the same page, we're broken up, we're not getting back together. but we care about each other. he said he's been messed up for a while and apologized for some things. his new job will provide him with a lot of solitude, i hope it helps him out. he said it's so hard to talk to people now, and yeah. poor guy, god. 

roomie's going to be gone all this week coming up so like a doofus i suggested we hang out at least a few times, a few final times, we're going to do fun things and it'll be nice cos it won't be...more than either of can chew, i suppose. neither of us will be dating for a while, after, and he wants to stay in contact and chat sometimes, which i think will be all right. 

i want that. like even if one or either of us dates someone else, i don't want to toss him out of my life cos i fucking CARE. and he's so comfortable to be around. 

i wish it didn't have to be this way but it HAS to be this way, he can't date for real, and i won't put myself through dating him 'for real' again. 

i can only hope i'll find someone else as beautiful and comfortable as him, it's not like i've forgotten all the stuff that was wrong about us but oh ym god i'm sad i'm so sad why does this shit bring out the better in both of us in order to make the right choice so much more difficult 

him moving away will really mean that it's over, like for real. the other night i tweeted out that it didn't feel over and that it wasn't done done, and i guess i was right. but it'll be done done soon enough. i'll cherish these final days with him and then...ii don't know. i'm going to be so lonely. i was so lonely in the 2 weeks i didn't see him, my thoughts had been all over the fucking place like i was briefly exalted and determined that i'd find someone else and then i was miserable at the thought of finding someone else and then i was just missing him and wondering when i could see him again, but not wanting to get back together, feeling confused, and then what do you know god dammit

i'm glad he seems to understand. it sounds like i'm being used and it sounds like he's being used but it's mutual, we're using each other lmao. see the problem is we're so comfy around each other, it's all very easy when it's not like. serious stuff. 

ugh this all sounds cliche as shit ugh ugh whatever who the hell knows what will happen. literally everything says not to contact your ex for like a bajillion years after you've broken up or you'll never get over them, etc. 

it's sick but i keep envisioning us like. meeting up every once in a while and being together and going our separate ways, or something. whenever he comes ashore, ha ha ha. which is obviously total nonsense but it's oddly romantic in its way. maybe neither of us are cut out for traditional relationships...maybe we'll find comfort in each other sometimes. 

it's just me being unable to let him go when i know i need to, at the end of the day. i think after this week it'll feel like a real break up instead of the weird limbo it was, and i think i'll be fucking alone for a long while again i don't know what the hell i want or how i want it 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 7:32 PM EDT

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this might actually be a record as it's been like, 2 days or something but idk i keep having thoughts. as most humans do. whatever

anyway it seems pretty obvious from reading past entries and just, considering my own feelings that this thing w ex wasn't going to last. like EARLY ON i had a fair number of hesitancies that i brushed aside because wow! hot boy like me! and i was very curious and eager to have experiences and he seemed a decent chap to have them with

i'd love to claim that i was a bigger person here, but i really wasn't. i held back a lot as soon as i gathered that he was unreliable, kinda ditzy in certain ways, etc. it's like i took a secondary track right after we started dating, if the options were 1) date and fall in love and marry etc like this is It and 2) this is fun and nice and i went on the second track without even THINKING about it

i was all 'blah blah i love him and this is great' except obviously not cos i never felt much. i cared for him, i had sympathy and felt affection but...it wasn't...like that. he was attractive but my lack of feelings & his constant issues sort of muddied my attraction such that i was never super into things. i just kinda did them cos i knew he'd like it and it made him happy, which validated me. there was some stuff i liked, but really, EVERYTHING was sort of 'aight'

there was a like, sense of accomplishment that came with satisfying someone emotionally and sexually. i didn't really linger on it, at all, ever, in the moment though cos i knew if i did my reasoning for staying would fall apart quickly. i never really actively thought of it like i was just....experimenting...when i SHOULD have cos it would have spared myself some ick. like, mental ick. 

we were playing at a long term, loving relationship, but my heart was never really there, and he was too messed up to really properly get it either tbh. i'd go answer the door to see him and feel...nothing. not even excited, really, just like ah okay he's here. i didn't even feel the urge to kiss him hello, which i think bothered him. it just felt like an obligation, and when it's the right person or you have FEELINGS it...probably doesn't feel that way. i said something along the lines of wondering if sex was expected all the time and he got really weird by it...at the time i was trying to be honest and say i wasn't as into it as often as i put out, but that conversation went sour quickly. one night i was overwhelmed and literally started crying in the middle of it cos i didn't even particularly want it i was just, filling a role, and i was concerned i'd be stuck doing that forever. even when i was like, wanting the sex, it was more...because i enjoyed someone wanting me, and he was pretty and i got to study and touch someone, not cos i felt lust. like barely ever. there were truly very few times where i was actually ...really into it and not just sort of like, yeah this is okay. this sounds awful. he didn't do anything without my consent, and it also i sound like a jackass for keeping that to myself and misleading him but. i think he could tell. 

and aside from sex stuff, i don't know. i don't miss....him...exactly. i do miss him in some ways but not in a way that i'm like --but wait my life is over without you--. i miss having a boyfriend to text me, to hold me. it's lonelier now but it's also a relief, it's more a relief than anything else. that i'm not stuck there with that for my future, with his family, the way he lives his life, having zero expectations for him as a human being...

a summary might be: we were compatible but not long term. we got along well enough when things weren't expected. like if there was some kind of relationship where we hung out and stuff and had sex sometimes (if it wasn't EXPECTED...frankly the. routine and notion that it was necessary really cut the legs out of it for me) and i didn't have to see his family or friends and he didn't have to see mine. 

see the *i am looking away* was so strong in my own head that i felt, weird, referring to him as my boyfriend. i didn't overly like it, i felt oddly embarrassed to do so most of the time cos i wasn't proud of the situation. i *knew* this, like, this wasn't even the repressed stuff this was up front. and yet i still went along with it....

i'm a dick!!!!!

no just. lonely. and he wasn't a bad guy, i knew he cared for me and he was respectful and very modern and reasonable in all kinds of ways that matter to me. maybe that's why i stuck around so long. i was reluctant to end it cos there was a lot about him that i thought was downright miraculous, that i'd never find in someone else, at least not in that combination. but....

it turns out a lot of other stuff matters too. i was pretty displeased in general. it just felt stupid to feel that way when i had all this other good stuff, when he was NEVER mean to me, accepted me for who i was. 

 uughghghhg yes i know, someone else out there can do that too and also give me everything i need (where it counts). 

but what if...i am not personally capable of actual romantic love. and actual lust. what if i can't do it. my sex drive has always been a very back burner thing, i don't really require it (obviously, otherwise i'm sure i'd have pushed through the discomfort of dating earlier if it was really necessary for me) but i love feeling someone else into me/enjoying it & me. how does one approach new prospective dates like hi i don't want this all the time but maybe sometimes and preferably not until after like, a long while of knowing you okay?

 and as for love....prior to my ex, i would have said (had someone asked) that i had feelings for 2 men in my entire life. some dumb idiot in high school, and the musician man. neither of whom i dated. i was ...drawn to them, somehow. an argument is that that is not love, but infatuation, and okay sure if we call it that then i was infatuated w only 2 men. 

my 'infatuation' period w my ex was very short. i didn't feel drawn to him after a while, just sort of, amused on occasion. like he was a little creature under a microscope. or a character in a book. and once that ended i was like welp 

i don't know if i can feel love normally. i don't easily attach myself to people, i don't LIKE a lot of people. and once i DO form an attachment, i also don't let go easily. i used to say i will probably always love people i loved at one point, at least a little. 

i saw the guy i liked in high school for the first time in like a decade a few months ago and was like 0_0 ...nah...(i was dating my ex then at least) 

i saw musician man earlier this year when i went on a trip to see a friend in the states, and he showed up as well and i cried my eyes out after we parted cos i felt SO much, not like, romantically but there was/is something beautiful and wretched about him and i do think i'll always love him on some level, i think that's true

my ex....i don't know. he's just some normal guy, we both live in a smallish city, we don't hate each other. i'm sure i'll see him around (preferably not for a while but). i hope he gets better and has a good life but idk he doesn't make my ....soul feel on fire or anything, as stupid as that sounds. right now thinking of him is a weird mixture of sadness and guilt and fondness, like a brother or something?? which is, again, a thought i had while dating him. like what do you call this sort of intimate relationship where i care for you but i don't have romantic feelings and picturing my life solely beside you makes me PANIC

it's not like it would have hypothetically 'worked' w the musician man had he been interested. dating him would have been impossible, he's like actually insane. i spent so much time flipping between love and utter exasperation in the time i was around him a lot like...he wouldn't be able to care for anyone but himself, either

ugh! it's just a lot of stupid thoughts!!!

last night i was turbo baked on my stoop watching the rain and shit and it knocked my birth control induced depression aside for a second and let me think like Happy thoughts. I thought that, despite everything, i was grateful to have finally felt someone love me, someone wanted me and cared for me and that was something i had been wondering if i'd been worthy of my. entire. life. and i had that question answered, finally. a boy loved me, wanted me. ME. 

but he wasn't enough for me

i'm scared nobody will be lmao

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 3:16 PM EDT

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I don't want to do this but it's been a bit over a week and I ought to (???) record some of this for future me cos I know it'll be of interest. Or at least, idk, something to help me remember because feelings are fleeting and I forget a lot of people and my own feelings and I don't WANT this to slip away from me, even if it's not like active in my life I don't want to FORGET any of it. It doesn't deserve it.

And I don't want to forget because I want to keep this feeling of confidence and of self assurance, I don't want to have it fade too far into the background because it will make starting again extremely hard and I've enjoyed feeling like I'm worthy of someone's time.

Okay anyway, we broke up last weekend.

I've gone over this so many times since then with myself, with other people, that I'm already kind of tired of it but again I gotta do this for future me who might sink back into 1) feelings of inadequacy or invalidated self worth, or 2) a thing with him or something since she might forget why it is we ended it lmao. Clearly i have a lot of faith in myself 

This should have happened last week when I was still busted up about it vs now in which i'm just sort of, mostly alright and already thinking ahead ugh

It had probably been coming for a long time, he was insanely depressed and had a lot of PTSD from childhood, his family, his previous relationship. i was just constantly stressed out for him, he had insanely bad luck and was nearly always in some kind of situation, sometimes it was his own fault, sometimes it wasn't. i felt what was like, an obligation to help him sort everything out, all the time, i felt enormous amounts of pity for him, we fought a lot. i was always disappointed in what he was able to offer. it got to the point (honestly this had been true for a while before we ended it) that i wasn't even overly excited to see him, it was just a shrugs sort of thing. i didn't have much to say to him, his general dullness and lack of energy sort of sucked it out of me on top of his generally depressing situation. his family was...hickish. his mother's house was a hoarders house, filthy. i felt bad for him, he wanted more for himself but was too goddamn beaten by life to get it. 

i stuck it out because he had so much *potential* in him to do incredible things. he used to do all these martial arts, had tons of certificates and achievements, but lost motivation to do much about it slowly throughout our time together. he was incredibly in shape when we first started going out but due to various things, deaths in the family, financial distress, etc, he stopped going to gym and working out and lost a ton of weight and started having issues eating and sleeping, he smoked weed like a chimney...he said he would quit smoking for me when we first started going out and he moved onto a vape and didn't stop vaping for the entire 10 months we were togther, and got much worse on it towards the end. 

his diet was horrible, ate like a teenager, which i'm sure didn't help his mood. and not working out like he used to. he absolutely has adhd and needs therapy and through most of our relationship i tried to get him to get medicated and i think that pressure made him feel worse too, but i wasn't going to stick around if it didn't happen cos he was forgetful and showed up late to things and...he tried (sort of) but w no real fervour. the last month after we fought a bunch of times (he accused me of cheating like twice) he put some real effort into finding therapy, etc, but doing that seemed to stress him out even more and he got shittier...we just couldn't find the same level of joy in each other

it was weird to like...acknowledge that he was physically beautiful, like in the body, he had incredible hair, but my attraction was so flip floppy because my attitude and mood towards him was generally neutral-negative, with the occasional happy moment...really fuckin sucks because i don't know that i'll find someone as beautiful as him again, he was proportioned so so well, gorgeous hands, long and lean but not scrawny (though as time went on he got skinnier and skinnier, and grew more self conscious about it, aargh)

we had lots of hobbies in common and i could make him laugh...he was very accepting of me and never said a single mean or offhand thing about my appearance whatsoever. he was only complimentive, was definitely utterly attracted to me and it was enourmously validating and gave me something i'd missed my entire life. confirmation from a dude that i was appealing, that i could be loved

i think he did love me, he said it wayyy too early, but. i also think he was kind of a simple dude, he wasn't very eloquent and we couldn't engage in overly deep conversation and i admit it did bother me. i spent a lot of time wondering, if i was attracted to him and found comfort in him and he cared for me and wanted me back and we got along fine, if that aspect of him could be overlooked, you know? cos all this other stuff was great

except then it slowly wasn't great and so ...that became more of a problem w time. i got embarrassed when he spoke around my family & friends, not because he would say anything BAD...it was just often sort of, basic.

that being SAID i genuinely think that aside from the unmedicated adhd, his years of boxing and fighting have actually rattled his brain a little because sometimes conversing with him was like talking to an alien. he'd continue conversations in the weirdest ways, like adjacent topics but not really along the same track...or he'd use incorrect tones when bringing up a subject or asking a question, it was odd. it resulted in a lot of confusion for me. 

his family was really dull. bumbly country types very typical of the region i live in, something that i've always been, admittedly, kind of a prig about. i hated it growing up, and i still kind of do, and the accent of the region is so deeply unsexy to me and that was something about him i tried very hard to ignore. poor man. but anyway, dull, sloppy people...his mother was particularly odd. very quiet, boring...we'd visit and she'd just, sit there quietly, him too. no dyanism at all. they didn't hug or anything it was so stiff and yeah her HOUSE was violently gross and she never like, cleaned up, two old dogs...

and you know what all of that despite being horrible might have been tolerable but, he was a wreck. it was all just too damn much, probably for us both really but..yeah

i really hope he gets his life sorted out, gets therapy, gets medicated. like genuinely i do, he was a nice person and made me feel good about myself despite everything. i wish him well

initially i was like well maybe we can try again in a few months or something, if you can work stuff out in a timely fashion, but my roommate (bless em) was like yeah no that's a stupid idea and trust me it won't work out, and tbh once i was like..hey sorry no let's actually break up i felt enormously relieved that i wouldn't have to deal with any of that again, despite the fact that i cared about him 

but it made me realize that i was only really there because... he was my boyfriend. i HAD a boyfriend, i had someone to text (not well, tbh, he wasn't the most consistent corresponder), someone to hold, someone to sleep with. company. and that was what i was clinging to. if i loved him, it might have lasted a very short amount of time, it had barely had time to grow before it was sort of shuffled into pity and obligation caring from just, EVERYTHING

there was a period right after the breakup where i was panicking about never finding someone else, that that was it for me, and i realized too that i had been thinking that for months. how sad is that? if someone was with me cos they thought they couldn't do better or find someone else i'd be devastated. so...

it's better that it has ended. i've felt very liberated. i'd been feeling so boxed in and scared for my future and DREADING it, which is so insane, just thinking about being around his family, being at the mercy of his decisions, his inattentiveness, they way he commented about things, the simplicity of it, the deep sadness and all that pity i was so UUHGHG and now i am FREE and phew. phew.

i should also mention that about 5ish months ago i got a birth control implant in my arm and it has done some pretty terrible shit to my mood, admittedly, i've been depressed too for a little while (also on like constant periods, ughhghg, which has hurt my general libido and self esteem)but i hadn't realized how bad it has gotten till my mother suggested it the other day like. oh shit yeah, this is how i used to feel before i started getting medicated for adhd, just, that everything was pointless and futile and dull and stupid and so yeah i've got an appointment to get it out of me and return to a better mood. bc has always made me depressed, each variant of it, but i was really hopeful it wouldn't happen w this version cos the fear of getting pregnant and the annoyance of condoms was making sex casually stressful for me

but so did being on my period all the time despite his (blessed) indifference to it, and my mood being randomly shitty but mostly unenthused, lmao. i'm sure it had its part to play in our relationship ending but truthfully it might have just made it easier to pull the trigger at the end of the day cos there was more than enough from him to justify it even w/out my own depression at play

SIGH. 

i've already been pondering how i'll next go about dating....i really really dislike dating apps, it's so artificial and forced, wondering if/when you'll get feelings on dates, etc, vs just getting to know someone organically in your environment?? but goddamn where do i DO that?? i'm not in school, i work from home...thankfully covid hasn't been as much of a thing but it still WAS this time last year when i started poking around dating apps, i even HAD covid at the start of this year. so it might be easier now on some level but not really...

gonna wait till the new year probably before making a dedicated effort, ought to give myself time to reflect and mourn this and stuff. 

but you know, given that it was my first relationship, 10 months is not bad really. i wasn't happy for the most part during it but haha i proved that i could DO IT. i've proven to myself that i'm desirable, worthy of someone's time and love, someone's dedication, someone's interest. maybe it'll be easier to let someone else in now, maybe it'll just HAPPEN...

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 4:44 PM EDT

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