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Sunday, 1 October 2017

suddenly remembering this blog exists is always a time

 i honestly didn't realize it had been over a year since i'd last posted in here...i have been. busy

well okay there were extended periods in which i wasn't busy, but now i /am/, thank god.

not that this blog is meticulous in its record keeping but this past year has been ---SOMETHIN. nobody is reading this but, don't get your hopes up: still a big ol virgin walking. lmao whatever i still whine about that on occasion but tbh for the most part it's like. whatever. i guess it's my destiny

that's such a bunch of bull lol i'm trying to make myself sound chiller than i actually am. i guess the REAL truth is that i've been kept occupied by life enough that pining after that mythical 'boyfriend' figure hasn't been a thing.

 wow that is also BULLSHIT i am something else all right

fuck the real truth is that i fell hard into bandom and have been obsessed with a band and one singer in particular since last october and it's changed my goddamn LIFE

most of my boyfriend pining has been condensed into pining after this one particular man, and that singular focus has been a blessing in that at least, FINALLY, i can daydream with some weight behind it. i hadn't liked anyone since HIGH SCHOOL. been in as much love with a person as you can be without personally knowing them for over a year now

i WOULD choose someone totally bad for me to fall hard for. he's....a bag of issues. also older than me by 10 years. also barely knows i exist. but honestly this is so much better than having absolutely nothing. and that's sad

but ANYWAY. getting into this band was like, a bizarre blessing. it ...opened my eyes and allowed me to think about what was important to me, and gave me some drive. 

without going into tremendous detail (why would i bother if i'm the only one reading this), it's all resulted in 1) us moving out of the city and back home, 2) applying for student loans, 3) starting school this past month 4) making art and being happier

 which is pretty rad. i also started taking anti depressants/ anti anxiety meds which, HEY, actually work. i feel much less like a bag of turds for the most part? interesting side effects, but for the most part it's good. in more debt than EVER, looking for work AGAIN, but. i don't feel the same crushing feeling of dread and doom i used to feel

i've been slowly trying to make myself known in the particular music front, making aquaintences, taking my meds, going to art school, picking myself up. doing something with myself

fuck yes 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 12:01 AM EDT
Saturday, 21 May 2016

Now Playing: spring and a storm- tally hall

i guess this is turning into a monthly affair instead of every three years. idk if that says anything about my mental state haha

 i realized today as i was frantically and stressfully trying to sew for an upcoming con that i have no idea how to be happy

i got a job at the start of this month. it's more than minimum wage, and it goes up by a bit after 3 months. it's not fast food or anything and it's not physically strenuous. colleagues are all super friendly and the atmosphere is pretty nice considering its sales. but my god. it;s fucking stressful. it's been a month of being on the verge of losing it. i even busted up crying last week because i couldn't handle making mistakes in front of my very aggressive trainer. they sent me home for the day. they LITERALLY sent me home because i couldn't pull myself together. it's been better since then, admittedly, i'm getting the hang of the job and there's benefits and incentives and stuff. office work.

i should be able to pay off my various debts (credit card is HORRRIIBBBLE right now, the worst its ever been, really really bad) over the next few months if i don't leave this job, so that's good.

i just. can't seem to view all this positively. i feel exhausted. it's getting warmer and to my horror i am uncomfortably warm to and from work and it's disgusting, especially too now that i'm so heavy. i'm not like, FAT, but i am approaching it. i'm a big woman by genes, i'm very tall and curvy and i've never been slender, but now? hooo boy. that's not been making me feel super about myself. p sure i've been over this before but w/e

and as ever. AS i'm 24 and a virgin :))))))) hahahhahahhhahah......

ugh i wanted to rant more about the whole, lack of happiness thing instead of just a general life update but i'm fucking falling asleep. all my shifts at work thus far have been early morning-supper shifts so i get up in the morning and shit. it's 11 and i'm pooped. lame 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 11:17 PM EDT
Saturday, 16 April 2016

Now Playing: oppa toby style- homestuck collide

well it's the middle of the afternoon instead of 4 am like my usual posts because apparently i can't even wait till i'm in bed moping to make one of these

 i'm in such a fucking pickle and i don't know what the right course of action is. i sit at a very crucial juncture in my life and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. my two biggest options are both pretty life changing, and are both born out of desperation

let's see: i graduated high school and immediately went into university to work on a bachelor's degree. i finished that reasonably well, albeit with some disillusionment on the whole system of education and with not much brightness on the horizon in regards to appropriate jobs opening up. sure enough, i move to a big city away from home with two of my friends and immediately all i can find are crappy minimum wage jobs, and i secure one. i work at this crappy minimum wage job for a year, the entire time miserable and feeling like garbage, confused and sad and pretty broke.

we move again the next september, across the city. i gather a small(ish) debt from moving, takes me about a month and a half to find a new job. i'm paid a little more there, but barely still above minimum, and it's only a seasonal job. two of my roommates also work there, one of which started in july, and is promoted in november to core staff. their pay goes up rather dramatically. the job is far away from home and tires my body out. the atmosphere isn't super but it's better than my previous job. other roommate and i work until february, when we are laid off. i had just managed to pay off all my credit card debt. i still owed the roommate (who has the high paying job now!) roughly the same amount of money i had owed on my credit card in october. i still owe them that.

it is now mid april, and i'm still without work. my bank account is empty, and i have no way to pay rent at the end of this month. i have accrued roughly the same amount of debt on my credit card that i had in september, and i still owe my roommate almost the same amount. 

i've applied and applied and applied and nobody has called me back. during the past few months my 'for sure' university plans have pooped out somewhat, due to travel distance and lack of real enthusiasm for the concept. disillusionment.

since the summer my parents (and brother) have been /suggesting/ i join the military. i was a military brat growing up and all during that time i HATED the military and vowed never to join it. i still hate the idea. i hate it so much. but. i'd have a decent salary. with my degree i'd be an officer instantly. i could move up in rank. make more. downside: literally everything else about the military

my other option is to get a loan and find something to take in a college or univerity. get my master's or find a trade. the problem with that is i have basically no interest in ANY particular thing. nothing sounds feasible to strap myself down to a lifetime of, nothing sounds worth giving myself a massive debt to pay off for most of my life.

but i don't think i can do retail life either. i hate myself and it makes me feel even more worthless to be working for 11 dollars an hour, especially with a degree. it makes me feel even more worthless that fucking nobody pushing these shitty jobs has EVEN CALLED ME. what does that say about my value

i'm getting fucking fat and i'm sad and poor and in increasing debt and yet i can't bring myself to apply to fast food places because somehow through all of this i have this fucking PRIDE that doesn't want to stoop low enough to save myself. it's like i'd rather die. i can't believe this

even reading all this it's like, duh, join the military. but holy shit. there are so. many. consequences that choice would present me with. bad ones. the thought is fucking repulsive. but it's assuredness is compelling. unlike the uni option, which hey, i might not even be able to get a job with TWO degrees! it's possible in this economy. 

last week or something three of us discussed going to england or something. to live for a bit. travel. i mean i still wouldn't be able to have a steady job or anything obvs, but the other two are with jobs they can transfer from. and they are both more than entry level, fucking lucky assholes. here i am still searching for crap work. ksfjklgjlkf argh god and they're dating and have each other like fuck me entirely why not

 ANYWAY. i didn't want to get into that crap in this entry for once.

ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE WORST. the WORST. is that my roommate, the one who DIDN'T go to university and spent most of their time in high school doing drugs and is 3 years younger than me is likely to get promoted again soon at work and is currently making a shitton more than any of us in our apartment. and has also had a fair share of partners and is dating my other roommate.


like what the fuck do i have to do, universe???? what is wrong with me, why is this my life 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 2:12 PM EDT
Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Now Playing: two men in love- the irrepressibles

once more i return to attempt to ease the crushing WEIGHT in my chest

is it a heart attack? possibly.

dramatic. honestly it's probably some kind of low scale anxiety attack. but that would be admitting i might have anxiety. or depression (undoubtedly). that would mean owning up to some actual issues i might carry.

but nah.

anyway, on with it. i was let go from my seasonal job last month. i don't have quite enough money left in my bank account to pay rent for next month. i had finally eliminated my credit card debt but since being laid off i've had to use it to fucking feed myself so hey, back in debt. not to mention the preexisting debt to my roommate, which is sizable. i've been mooching as many art commissions as possible from people online, and while it helped, i still need a lot to even cover just rent. due to lack of notice from my job as to when i was going to be laid off, i wasn't able to save even a bit to help myself between jobs :))) so!!! hence the panic!! it's been a month and no job yet. parents are unsympathetic and won't help. plus they are going through their own shitty money shit right now too so!! hahaha....what the fuck do i do? :)

man what else. i'm fatter than ever, hooray. lack of exercise, depression, binge snacking while i loaf around reading or drawing, yeah. so the extra weight tacked on makes me feel super about myself, really adds that bonus hatred to my already non existent self esteem. which, i am not kidding, really is non existent because boy did i ever get handed a crummy set to deal with when i was born. mmmm. still haven't ...fixed....the thing that freaks me out most, haven't seen any doctors about it or mentioned its existence to anyone but my mother (who doesn't believe me, due to my own somewhat decent ability to hide it i guess??) and inqueries online seem to point to be it being pretty incurable so! it plagues me, makes me shy, hide from everything, outings, cute clothes, interactions. and god thats not even taking in all of my physical shortcomings ((many!!!))

rolling along, getting to the usual, i am so lonely. so alone. if i wasn't self conscious and trying to hide all the time, maybe....maybe i'd be able to actually date. the rest of my bodily issues, idk, could be overlooked. but not this. 

god. i read a sex scene in this book series i am currently obsessed with. and it was. so. tender. so sweet. it's painful.

it hurts because it's something i yearn for and it's something i've NEVER had. i've never experienced intimacy or love of that sort. my god. i feel, so fucked up ??? because of this??? and it's NORMAL by now to have gone through a few relationships. to have had sex. it's a thing people talk about casually as part of their day to day lives!!!! BUT I CAN'T. people my age are married with kids now!! most people from my high school ARE married or have kids or both. here i am. my birthday is in two months and i'll be 24. TWENTY FOUR

like and okay it's not enough that i shy away from people because of this STUPID FUCKING PROBLEM of mine that can't be fixed, but, ALSO, i'm fucking rarely ever attracted to people?? people tell me to try online dating but fuck me if i can tell if someone is interesting from a picture. i can't. and even people i see around me....i find myself drawn to pieces of people as opposed to the whole thing. like someone's hands, or their eyes, or their hair, etc. never a whole person. it's...worrisome. i have no idea what you'd call that. demi? not really. ace? no, the urge to fuck does indeed exist. freakish??? plus man whenever i DO happen to see someone i actually find attractive there comes the crippling problem! :)) and then the inadequacy, like this person wouldn't ever see me so what's the point

and ahaha oh goodness, sure, as i get older i find myself growing more bitter and intolerant. of even friends. i leave no room for imperfections, for quirks, for the things that make people human. it all irritates me.

i'm sinking, i'm sinking down and down and i can't seem to bring myself up

meanwhile i continue to feel this, literal DEFICIT in my life because i'm so lonely. it's fucked up, it feels like an obsession. most single people seem lonely, but at least, not like there's this piece of their lives missing like i do?? and i can't tell if it's because i've built relationships up to be something they're not in my own head due to my LACK OF EVER HAVING ONE, would a relationship even make me happy? would one even, satisfy me? in all the ways i demand, or expect? i know i'm unreasonable, i know i have these ridiculous expectations, but. how can you just shake that off

fucking christ.  

i sound like some crummy 13 year old with a long bang when i say this but it just feels like i'm twisting more and more as i get older and i don't...know how to make myself feel better. about myself and about life. it all just feels so hopeless.

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 2:30 AM EDT
Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Now Playing: teardrop-massive attack

idk what it is about this particular blogging platform that keeps me coming back when i need to vent but here we are

i guess the anonymity is appealing. as well as the fact that nobody is reading this. i can post it on the internet, with the potential to be read, but it won't be. somehow that combination makes me feel all right about all this? it doesn't feel as futile as writing in a diary, for instance. nobody would read that, EVER, unless accidentally picked up by a family or friend (in which case arranging for my swift death would be kind). this way...someone i don't know could find it, but it's still super unlikely. so hooray.

anyway. i've moved again since last post, to a nicer apartment, and gained another roommate. my 3 best friends live with me. i've got a cute kitty. i've got more space. a decent desk and a floor that isn't tilted, unlike before. after a tense month of searching for employment i found a seasonal job that actually pays me much more than my previous job. so by all means i SHOULD be fucking happy but


i just can't be cos. that'd be impossible.

i accured a big fat debt moving, and i owe my roommate a bunch of money for helping me live since the move and since my big fat debt acquisition. My slightly bigger paychecks pretty well have all gone to chipping away at my debt, leaving me no spending money aside from food. so like all my shit is tattered and i have no nice clothes and not to mention my job is seasonal and no matter how well i seem to be doing there, who knows if i'll be kept on? with my luck probably not. so cool, i've still got debt and rent to pay and i somehow need to find another job with nothing in the bank.

UMMMM what the fuck else. ah yes, i've lowkey been feeling off physically in a certain manner for the past like two and a half months, since just before we moved. so that's been a constant stresser for me, wondering what is wrong, putting off going to a doctor due to embarrassment and shyness, giving myself so much stress. always hovering in the background whenever i felt a pang of this off-feeling. today i finally bucked the fuck up and went to a clinic, feeling like i was going to die sitting there waiting for the doctor. eventually he showed up and yeah well. now i wait for results to see if anything is actually up. both he and my mother think it's nothing but a small deviation of the usual but mkay. i'll just tack on this extra pile of stress onto my already heaping mound as i wait for the call.

so yeah! i'm uncomfortably broke, i'm uncomfortable physically, and fucking you know, the usual, uncomfortably single. LIFE.

there's a program at a school i want to take. hopefully this year coming up. but i have to look into burseries and loans and stuff, and also it sort of implies you need a good looking portfolio. which i want to bolster by working on stuff but. working on stuff requires money. which i don't HAVE. so there's THAT sticky loop to slap around too like. fucking god i don't even know what to do with myself i need to live a more fulfilling existence somehow. i want to be well off and comfortable and. happy. living on nothing and working stupid shit jobs sounds awful but so does working 9-5 at some depressing job to make slightly better money sounds shitty too so that is why i want to take this particular program because the line of work is lucrative if you can get into it and have talent, which i think i could have. and it would be a fun way to live my life. i hope to god it works out. i could use something good.... 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 3:37 AM EST
Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: work song- hozier


you know what's a SUPER FUNNY THING

i'm 23 now.

this blog is ten fucking years old.

you know what else is funny?

still haven't had a boyfriend.




it's great because. life goes on, 'having a boyfriend' stopped being at the forefront of my mind a long time ago. other issues cropped up, other lovely bits of day-to-day monotony occupying me throughout the years...

but still. still there are many days where i can't stand the sight of my roommates and their affection towards each other, so many nights where i lie awake, so alone i feel a literal deficit beside me under the covers

i watch tv, movies, read, etc. add to my collection of fictional husbands and boyfriends, laugh it off with friends like haha here they are, the men in my life

it's a weird thing to consider that i have literally never HAD a man in my life. i've been on a few dates. i've kissed a variety of people. i've never felt...anything. the single time i was interested in someone and they were interested back, when i kissed him i felt absolutely nothing. later, when i kissed my roommates under the influence of various things, it felt the exact same.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm just. busted. i'm already quite freakish in a number of ways that would make being in a real relationship interesting, my partner would have to be either totally desperate or extremely tolerating...and what if after all of that i can't even feel anything for them, physically? after all of the pining, the lusting, the loneliness i've felt over the years it turns out i'm unable to 'get it up'?

while i'm on the tmi train, as i guess i've always been on this blog, i can't even orgasm! :D  touching myself has never felt like anything, at least nothing i would categorize as 'good'. masturbating is boring to me, SOMEHOW. i've even purchased assorted sex toys, you know, in hopes that something would at least bring me this small measure of happiness?? since no dude would ever contribute to that, and masturbation is supposedly super important and blah blah blah but yeah man nothing even feels good. stuff sits in my drawer, unused. 

i am the silent giant in the room, the reserved, intimidating factor. ten years of it.

god. i've graduated university. i have a degree. i moved out to the big city with some friends. we are making it, even if my retail job makes me completely miserable, makes me want to utterly quit reality sometimes. i can't even bring myself to go into work somedays. my retail job also brings me no money.

broke and lonely. i guess this is adulthood for the unfortunate, kids. at least my roommates are broke and have each other. they have someone to roll into at night, to hold them. they have someone for them.

you know what's interesting? my old friend kaits is in the exact same position i am in. we've both been single and sad all these years. i have since made another friend, my very close friend, who is ALSO the same.

what is it about us? we aren't ugly, we aren't stupid, we aren't freaks...and boy, i have seen some freaks in relationships. even freaks find each other.

maybe that's why i'm Forever Single. maybe everyone can tell i'm just super crusty inside.

whatever. i've spent the past ten years asking myself what it is about me that makes me so unlikeable. it's highly probably i'm going to continue to ask myself this for the next ten. lonely. broke. years.  

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 12:38 AM EDT
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that.
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: My December- Linkin Park
SO tired.....and SOOOO crampy. I hate periods. They fucking suck. Just wanted to point  that out. On a side note, I'm going to go see Linkin Park in a few days. For real. I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like my life is now complete. Well, it'd be more complete if I were going with a guy, but... :)

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 12:43 AM EST
Monday, 18 October 2010
Take it from me.
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Cowboy Casanova- Carrie Underwood

Yes, that's right, you did read that I am listening to Carrie Underwood. Trust me, I'm not converting to country music, I just happen to like that song. Don't panic, people.

Let's see, it's too buttfuck early in the morning and I'm at school. It's slightly necessary at the moment to be here this early(I have to get up at five fucking thirty Monday-Thursday and at THREE THIRTY on Fridays) as my brother has to be at work early and he's my ride to school, so... Yes, so I was sitting here in the student building, bored, and I remembered this silly blog. I really don't know if anyone actually reads this besides myself once in a while, but it's still slightly comforting to come back to it once in a while. I've had this stupid blog for nearly 6 years. Honestly, why hasn't my account been deactivated or the site changed or something? Am I the only one that finds that weird?

I guess what's even weirder is the fact that I still remember my username and password, when I can barely remember my current ones for stuff like email. I'm a spaz like that, I suppose.

Hmm, the song has changed and now I'm listening to Voi Che Sapete. Mah, pretty. That seems slightly bipolar in terms of song choice, but it happened to be next on my iTunes and I haven't bothered to change it. (who's bored? ME!!)

I don't even have any real guy news to report other than I'm still single, and without a crush to make me feel at least a teensy bit better about it. University life doesn't hold the biggest thread of consistency when it comes to seeing the same people everyday, because the classes are so large. However, there are a few hotties I see in my classes each day because they sit in the same places, but alas, do I interact with them? Hells no. I mean, I made eye contact with one the other day, and believe me that was an accomplishment. 

Now it's Into You, by Dead By Sunrise. Which is Chester Bennington of Linkin Park's side band. I actually ended up liking them, even though at first I was a little skeptical. This song is rather pretty.

Alright why the hell am I typing this? There is absolutely NO valid reason.......besides that I have no homework to work on because I did it all on the weekend. Beh. I need a life. I find it so odd that even after almost 6 years I still suck. I mean, crap, I started this when I was 13. It was acceptable to be single at that age, but now, at 18, it seems a little sad. Well, it's not so bad to be single, but to be as sadly green as I am? For realz.

I'm hungry. But Timmies doesn't take damn debit and that's the predominant smell in this building. >> Anyways I should go since one of my friends just showed up and it would be weird for them to discover me typing this pathetic blog. Ciao~



Posted by klunkycompu13 at 6:38 AM EDT
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Weird D:
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Lady GaGa, Linkin Park..

Right, so it's Valentines day....I really HATE this freakin day. It's sucked since like, the fourth grade when people stopped being obliged to give you valentines. I miss those days, because then you were at least GUARENTEED a valentine. Now its all "Buy a rose for your sweetie" at my school, and guess who never gets one??? MAH.

But the good news is I got accepted into University yesterday! Hooray! My future is slowly being planned out for me..but until then I have to endure being in Advanced Math With Calculus at school. Bloody fuck, its beyond me why this shit was even invented in  the first place. I'm only taking because at my university, to get into ANY type of science program(including biology, which is what I want) you need it. As if you use fucking calculus and sequences and crap when you're a surgeon or doctor or something....

*sigh* I had the freakiest dream last night about this guy I've liked since I moved back home, like three years ago. Well actually, there's kinda a story behind this guy. He is actually the ONLY person I've ever gone out with, and that was, sadly, in like grade 4 and 5. BUT! Anyways I've never really forgotten about him, but I didn't really like him(obviously, I lived in the other side of the country) untill we moved back here, where he is, and I saw him again on a regular basis. He's such a great guy, but honestly I don't know how to get him. He's always been nice to me whenever we talk(which is NOT frequent enough, due to me being boring and not having the guts to go up and talk to him myself) and asks questions...I really wish I could grab him for myself. Unfortunately, he's ridiculously popular and cute, so he's perpetually surrounded by girls and friends. Yeah...anyways, my dream last night....I for some reason had changed my first period class and he was in it, and when he walked into the room I heard him say "What is SHE doing here?" and then he was standing right behind me in the crowd(for some reason the entire class was standing in the same corner of the room) and he leaned down and whispered in my ear "Why, of all people, are YOU in this class?" and then I woke up. MAN, it was so weird. 

I keep trying to talk myself into walking up to him and doing something dramatic, like kiss him, or even just telling him I like him, but its not going well. I'll have the entire senario in my head, and then I'll go to school, see him, and totally lose any desire to tell him ANYTHING. I'm such a chicken shit! But I can't help it. I have basically zero confidence, due to the complete LACK of male attention. Jesus, I  mean, at my rate, would anyone be surprised if I thought I was completely hideous?? *GRR*

Okay, I'm good. I just wish my life(espcially in the male department) went a little smoother. I wish that liking a guy was as easy for me as it is the other, prettier, more confident girls.

Geez, I'm totally depressing. I need to read a Cosmo or something :3


Posted by klunkycompu13 at 5:53 PM EST
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Now Playing: various Adam Lambert songs

You know, I'm not sure which is creepier: the fact that this blog still exists after like, 4 years, or the fact that I still remember the name and password for it. It blows my mind. I only think about this blog every long while, but I never really forget about it. I update my  usual blog on a frequent basis, but this one holds a special place in my heart. Also, I always feel like writing more on this one. I'm not even sure why...

So, yes, its 2010. Wow. This year, I will graduate, turn 18, and begin university. How trippy is that? I am SO not ready. In more ways than one. You know whats nutty? Remember, when I was in grade nine, the guy I mentioned named Jesse(Tyler)? Well, I actually added him on Facebook, and CONFESSED. It was a few months ago. I was so proud of myself for growing the balls necessary for it(not literally, of course). But it was just nice because he wasn't totally grossed out or anything(but naturally, he didn't know who I was...). Although it was rather crappy of me to do, because he's now MARRIED and has a baby daughter. So yeah, that was a little gross of me. But! I still did it. I'm pretty proud of that fact.

What else...I submitted a short story to a student writing contest in October;last week my teacher came and told me that my story had made it past the first round, and will be continuing on in the contest. Cool, eh? Apparently something like 5000 entries were looked through, and only a third of those move to the second round, and MINE was in that third. I don't really get a ton of money or anything if I win, but my story is going to be published in a little book and everything :D I think thats pretty important. My first publish. 

Yeah..other than that, I'm still not sure about University and what to take. Or what to do with my life. I'm narrowing it down, though...something to do with writing...maybe something medical...that sounds vague, but there's more in my noggin.

Well, I think that's good enough for now. Someday I'm going to copy and paste all of my entries into a journal, and print it off in case this site goes down or something. I think I'd like to keep these. Stick 'em on next to my hand written journals from the past 5 years.

I'm out!

Queenie :D

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 8:32 PM EST

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