i guess i would describe this relationship as a very highest highs, lowest lows type deal

not long after that last post, a week or two, i sort of...came to my senses? realized it wasn't going to work long distance? i recalled all the bad stuff about it that prompted my breakup w him in the first place?

probably some combination of things. it's truly very odd how mixed up you can feel in situations like this, some days it's wretched, other days it's fabulous. some would say that you ought to not feel the wretched days THAT often and to that i can't speak to its truthfulness but i want to agree

i decided to more or less formally break it off. he was not happy about it and was very rude and immature (hurt, i understood it was mostly that he was hurt but the stuff he said was still hurtful even if it was childish) and blocked me everywhere for like, weeks, which i was fine with truthfully

kind of went through these waves of missing him intensely and not at all off and on for weeks...it's now been almost 2 months since i last saw him. somehow. and also ONLY 2 months. i feel both like i could move on instantly and also not at all

he unblocked me a little while ago, followed a few of my accounts. i didn't do anything or say anything. christmas day he wished me a merry christmas, and i did the same back. i was poking around on tinder all moodily over christmas just to ...look, more or less, and nothing was really striking my fancy or interest. i had a brief conversation with one dude who was boring and not really my type, so no loss there. and then i saw my ex was on there too and i got pissed off and haven't really been back on

like yeah. hypocrisy. also anger for knowing that that means he hasn't really done any of the mental work he ought to do if he's already looking to date someone new. no way he cleaned himself up that much in less than 2 months. good luck to whomever he dates next, really. cos lmao i don't know if he learned a single thing from dating me. his profile looked exactly like it did when i first started talking to him, same pic and everything. a pic his ex prior to me took. like come on dude

i think it's the same sort of frustration i felt when i dated him, knowing he could be so much more. he has so much potential to be everything, to be incredible, and instead he chooses to shrug his way through things and miss opportunities and refuse to accept mistakes, etc. project wildly onto other people and misremember situations. smoke too much weed. ugghhg

i vacilate between thinking that i'll never see him again and wondering if it really IS some sort of freakish pause. i don't know. i mean if he stays where he moved to it's done cos i have no real reason to go there, dumb seaside wife daydreams aside, i'd probably go nuts with no support nearby. 

i miss him though, a little, he wAS my friend and it was fun to dork out over stupid stuff with him and have someone to cuddle with and touch and boy was he HOT. his immensely compatible physicality is something i was reluctant to lose from fear of not finding something else that remotely satisfying for me personally and i'm still like. goddamn i hit the jackpot there why did he have to be SUCH a DOOFUS 

i often feel lucky and glad he actually actively removed himself from my proximity cos i would have had a hard time fully divorcing myself from him, as evidenced in the first breakup-reconciliation after 2 weeks. i keep wishing there was some relationship bracket that existed somewhere between friend and monogamous lover. like if we could hang out and be together physically and tell each other sweet nothings but have none of the pressures of knowing each others friends and families and sharing bills and planning futures, etc. all that shit? less great. truthfully my roommate fills that end in pretty well; that's a whole weird kettle of fish i don't really feel like expanding upon but tldr; 8 years of adult best friendship/roommateship tends to fill in a lot of the slots your significant other fills if it continues to go well. if only i could have squished them both together into the like. ideal partner lmao

but i also know that if i were in something like that with him i couldn't really go looking for an ACTUAL significant other or whatever. someone out there can be my lover and also my best friend and make good life decision. right??? 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 6:46 PM EST

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he might be gone gone now, possibly, not sure

we spent the majority of the last 4ish days together and it was ...so wonderful. just love love love and laughing and kissing and holding each other and i want to remember it for forever no matter what happens

he's moving away, we're not back 'together', but we undoubtedly care for one another and i think in a better time and place it would be....everything. we both seem to have landed on this understanding, somehow. who knows what the future will bring. when i told my mom she was like yeah your father and i didn't think you two were done and i was like ...oof 

there's a part of my brain that envisions being his wife and living on the coast and making my art and stuff there by the ocean, i'd have enough space since he'd be working a lot presumably. he even asked if i'd marry him ("it's getting harder and harder to imagine being with anyone else") and i didn't really respond, other than to say that i might have seen it happening had we continued, that sort of thing. i wonder if we're really done or if it's just a sort of hiatus, while he finds himself (mom described it as a 'walk about', not dissimilar to what i did when i moved away from home to a big city far away for a few years before moving back, my brother did the same thing...except i guess ex's is just later in life aha), figures out what's important to him, maybe addresses some of his brain demons, etc. 

i'm not really ready to remove myself from everything i have here, either. i've got a decent job, a great friend network, i live in a place where i can do silly art things like go to movie festivals with my friends and i've recently started tutoring at the college i went to a few years ago, my family is here...

if i ended up with him i'd be sequestered away more or less, he is moving to the middle of NOWHERE (as middle of nowhere as a coastal town can be) and it's probably not exactly the epicentre of arts and culture (not that where i am living currently is either but it IS markedly better than many places around here)

it's almost this feeling of, 'not quite the right time'. like we found each other, have this undeniable connection, but our circumstances aren't quite right just yet

in some ways i feel really lucky to 1) have felt something like this and 2) have been wise enough to not just throw myself into a potentially incorrect situation just because my heart went thumpity thump (...lame). i've done so much for myself over the last 5 years of my life and i'm proud of me in a lot of ways. i'm not really inclined to uproot and put myself at the behest of someone i haven't even known for a full year, cha feel bro???

we're keeping in contact. who knows what will happen. for now i'll just keep living my life i guess

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 10:18 AM EST

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i'm an idiot

this, endless crying, since last night, near endless crying

this has to be love. like real love, whatever it is. i'm beside myself thinking that i'll never see him again after this week. it's fucking insane 

he pissed me off SO much. he's busted and needs so much help and meds and i got so tired of so many things about him and now we're apart for 2 weeks and i see him once for a few hours and i'm losing my mind that he's leaving. yesterday he was so solemn and resigned and yet gently loving. i can't believe i have to throw away someone who looks at me like that...he hasn't even been in my life a year but i can't suddenly imagine not caring. but sometime...i won't. or at least i won't in this way, i guess. and i know it's basically a trick of the light because it's not like his problems are magically solved or he's less depressed, but it's funny how we can push all that aside when we realize that it's Done and suddenly it's only affection left, only comfort, the sweetness that was once there reappears before it's gone completely

why wasn't i this miserable before...i mean, i was, but it felt different somehow. aside from that first night right after the breakup, it felt something like this. it's a loss, it's a feeling of loss. like someone died. it's fucked up !!!! 

i;m both miserable and elated over the fact that i'll see him this week, presumably several times, or as much as i might like even...just, being together, nobody else, no weight of expectation or the future,

and then he'll go

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 10:17 AM EDT

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lord, well,

emotions are so messy. idk i always have this stupid assumption that i am so controlled and so mastered blah blah i'm so different from other people blah

idk i do actually think that on some level, or maybe, it's more like i think that things are more complicated overall than what we're told or what we expect, and i get it

my own emotions are more complicated than even *i* know. like how ridiculous is it to qualify a bundle of neural impulses as a single emotion, one single feeling. i feel only this way about this person. 

i had times while i was with my ex that i thought, you know, if we weren't 'dating' in the way we're 'supposed to', this would be a lot better. just hanging out with someone you get along with, when you want to, don't really have to fuss with each other's fuckin families or whatever. like a friend, but one you cuddle with and sleep with and maybe like waking up next to sometimes. i wouldn't be so bent about envisioning my future with him if i wasn't concerned about reliability or stuff. idk somehow the pressure of the trappings of a relationship made it feel, oofy, like maybe that would all be fine with the 'right' person.

or MAYBE i'm a wild child and don't want to be pinned down that way

but at the same time i do believe in monogamy, commitment, etc. but how silly is that, you can't ask that of anybody. you gotta....live together, eventually, you gotta go to family events, etc. you gotta share bills. there's no real choice for what i was thinking. i cared about him, i CARE about him, i'd prefer if he didn't sleep with other people. i don't care about his family, really. i want his life to improve, but i am not sacrificing mine in order to see if he gets better

but i fucking care about him. i wonder if i always will!!! i said this shit last time! 

i was like i don't think i ever loved loved him but i wonder if i did and it was just, a different sort of love.  or do. what if it's not romantic or familial or friendly, what if there's somehow a fourth fucking option cos that's sort of what it feels like

. dodging the point of this post entirely i mean, idk why, i'm only reporting in to myself here

he came over today to drop off some stuff i'd left at his place. he'd texted me out of the blue that he was moving to a different province and he'd found some of my things while packing and did i want him to drop them off

so i was like, yknow, smooth and cool about it and i definitely didn't go home (i was out tutoring) in a weird stupor and definitely didn't cry for like a full hour

it was a relief, he was moving for a good job with some extended family, away from here. away from people in general. and soonish. it gave us an opportunity to see each other again, something i knew i really wanted but wasn't sure when to do so (it's been 2 weeks since the break up and i hadn't seen him since we fought that day, and then broke up over discord). i felt badly about how we'd last seen each other, awkward and sad and hostile and defeated, i'd hurt him even though i didn't really and he'd overreacted (he said that today) and i couldn't bear to let that be ..it. 

i had been entertaining so many thoughts about, reaching out to say goodbye, one last romp in the sack etc. it just hadn't felt like a real goodbye or ending, it felt unfinished and sort of sour

i think we were both sort of hoping for that cos he asked if i wanted him to bring anything other than my stuff and i was like, a hug pls and he was like can do and so he came over and i hugged him and burst into fuckign tears again and he came up and we chatted for a while and held each other and had really really good sex and chatted a while more. it felt so much better, the relief was palpable, we were sappy and smiley and i half cried a bunch of times it's so stupid and emotional uughg. and it was nice, it was like when we were first dating and just shot the shit and made dumb jokes, he told me i was so pretty and that he loved me and honestly i said it back cos i really felt it. break ups are fucked up man but i DO love him it's just. so weird...

and through it all we were both still like. on the same page, we're broken up, we're not getting back together. but we care about each other. he said he's been messed up for a while and apologized for some things. his new job will provide him with a lot of solitude, i hope it helps him out. he said it's so hard to talk to people now, and yeah. poor guy, god. 

roomie's going to be gone all this week coming up so like a doofus i suggested we hang out at least a few times, a few final times, we're going to do fun things and it'll be nice cos it won't be...more than either of can chew, i suppose. neither of us will be dating for a while, after, and he wants to stay in contact and chat sometimes, which i think will be all right. 

i want that. like even if one or either of us dates someone else, i don't want to toss him out of my life cos i fucking CARE. and he's so comfortable to be around. 

i wish it didn't have to be this way but it HAS to be this way, he can't date for real, and i won't put myself through dating him 'for real' again. 

i can only hope i'll find someone else as beautiful and comfortable as him, it's not like i've forgotten all the stuff that was wrong about us but oh ym god i'm sad i'm so sad why does this shit bring out the better in both of us in order to make the right choice so much more difficult 

him moving away will really mean that it's over, like for real. the other night i tweeted out that it didn't feel over and that it wasn't done done, and i guess i was right. but it'll be done done soon enough. i'll cherish these final days with him and then...ii don't know. i'm going to be so lonely. i was so lonely in the 2 weeks i didn't see him, my thoughts had been all over the fucking place like i was briefly exalted and determined that i'd find someone else and then i was miserable at the thought of finding someone else and then i was just missing him and wondering when i could see him again, but not wanting to get back together, feeling confused, and then what do you know god dammit

i'm glad he seems to understand. it sounds like i'm being used and it sounds like he's being used but it's mutual, we're using each other lmao. see the problem is we're so comfy around each other, it's all very easy when it's not like. serious stuff. 

ugh this all sounds cliche as shit ugh ugh whatever who the hell knows what will happen. literally everything says not to contact your ex for like a bajillion years after you've broken up or you'll never get over them, etc. 

it's sick but i keep envisioning us like. meeting up every once in a while and being together and going our separate ways, or something. whenever he comes ashore, ha ha ha. which is obviously total nonsense but it's oddly romantic in its way. maybe neither of us are cut out for traditional relationships...maybe we'll find comfort in each other sometimes. 

it's just me being unable to let him go when i know i need to, at the end of the day. i think after this week it'll feel like a real break up instead of the weird limbo it was, and i think i'll be fucking alone for a long while again i don't know what the hell i want or how i want it 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 7:32 PM EDT

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this might actually be a record as it's been like, 2 days or something but idk i keep having thoughts. as most humans do. whatever

anyway it seems pretty obvious from reading past entries and just, considering my own feelings that this thing w ex wasn't going to last. like EARLY ON i had a fair number of hesitancies that i brushed aside because wow! hot boy like me! and i was very curious and eager to have experiences and he seemed a decent chap to have them with

i'd love to claim that i was a bigger person here, but i really wasn't. i held back a lot as soon as i gathered that he was unreliable, kinda ditzy in certain ways, etc. it's like i took a secondary track right after we started dating, if the options were 1) date and fall in love and marry etc like this is It and 2) this is fun and nice and i went on the second track without even THINKING about it

i was all 'blah blah i love him and this is great' except obviously not cos i never felt much. i cared for him, i had sympathy and felt affection but...it wasn't...like that. he was attractive but my lack of feelings & his constant issues sort of muddied my attraction such that i was never super into things. i just kinda did them cos i knew he'd like it and it made him happy, which validated me. there was some stuff i liked, but really, EVERYTHING was sort of 'aight'

there was a like, sense of accomplishment that came with satisfying someone emotionally and sexually. i didn't really linger on it, at all, ever, in the moment though cos i knew if i did my reasoning for staying would fall apart quickly. i never really actively thought of it like i was just....experimenting...when i SHOULD have cos it would have spared myself some ick. like, mental ick. 

we were playing at a long term, loving relationship, but my heart was never really there, and he was too messed up to really properly get it either tbh. i'd go answer the door to see him and feel...nothing. not even excited, really, just like ah okay he's here. i didn't even feel the urge to kiss him hello, which i think bothered him. it just felt like an obligation, and when it's the right person or you have FEELINGS it...probably doesn't feel that way. i said something along the lines of wondering if sex was expected all the time and he got really weird by it...at the time i was trying to be honest and say i wasn't as into it as often as i put out, but that conversation went sour quickly. one night i was overwhelmed and literally started crying in the middle of it cos i didn't even particularly want it i was just, filling a role, and i was concerned i'd be stuck doing that forever. even when i was like, wanting the sex, it was more...because i enjoyed someone wanting me, and he was pretty and i got to study and touch someone, not cos i felt lust. like barely ever. there were truly very few times where i was actually ...really into it and not just sort of like, yeah this is okay. this sounds awful. he didn't do anything without my consent, and it also i sound like a jackass for keeping that to myself and misleading him but. i think he could tell. 

and aside from sex stuff, i don't know. i don't miss....him...exactly. i do miss him in some ways but not in a way that i'm like --but wait my life is over without you--. i miss having a boyfriend to text me, to hold me. it's lonelier now but it's also a relief, it's more a relief than anything else. that i'm not stuck there with that for my future, with his family, the way he lives his life, having zero expectations for him as a human being...

a summary might be: we were compatible but not long term. we got along well enough when things weren't expected. like if there was some kind of relationship where we hung out and stuff and had sex sometimes (if it wasn't EXPECTED...frankly the. routine and notion that it was necessary really cut the legs out of it for me) and i didn't have to see his family or friends and he didn't have to see mine. 

see the *i am looking away* was so strong in my own head that i felt, weird, referring to him as my boyfriend. i didn't overly like it, i felt oddly embarrassed to do so most of the time cos i wasn't proud of the situation. i *knew* this, like, this wasn't even the repressed stuff this was up front. and yet i still went along with it....

i'm a dick!!!!!

no just. lonely. and he wasn't a bad guy, i knew he cared for me and he was respectful and very modern and reasonable in all kinds of ways that matter to me. maybe that's why i stuck around so long. i was reluctant to end it cos there was a lot about him that i thought was downright miraculous, that i'd never find in someone else, at least not in that combination. but....

it turns out a lot of other stuff matters too. i was pretty displeased in general. it just felt stupid to feel that way when i had all this other good stuff, when he was NEVER mean to me, accepted me for who i was. 

 uughghghhg yes i know, someone else out there can do that too and also give me everything i need (where it counts). 

but what if...i am not personally capable of actual romantic love. and actual lust. what if i can't do it. my sex drive has always been a very back burner thing, i don't really require it (obviously, otherwise i'm sure i'd have pushed through the discomfort of dating earlier if it was really necessary for me) but i love feeling someone else into me/enjoying it & me. how does one approach new prospective dates like hi i don't want this all the time but maybe sometimes and preferably not until after like, a long while of knowing you okay?

 and as for love....prior to my ex, i would have said (had someone asked) that i had feelings for 2 men in my entire life. some dumb idiot in high school, and the musician man. neither of whom i dated. i was ...drawn to them, somehow. an argument is that that is not love, but infatuation, and okay sure if we call it that then i was infatuated w only 2 men. 

my 'infatuation' period w my ex was very short. i didn't feel drawn to him after a while, just sort of, amused on occasion. like he was a little creature under a microscope. or a character in a book. and once that ended i was like welp 

i don't know if i can feel love normally. i don't easily attach myself to people, i don't LIKE a lot of people. and once i DO form an attachment, i also don't let go easily. i used to say i will probably always love people i loved at one point, at least a little. 

i saw the guy i liked in high school for the first time in like a decade a few months ago and was like 0_0 ...nah...(i was dating my ex then at least) 

i saw musician man earlier this year when i went on a trip to see a friend in the states, and he showed up as well and i cried my eyes out after we parted cos i felt SO much, not like, romantically but there was/is something beautiful and wretched about him and i do think i'll always love him on some level, i think that's true

my ex....i don't know. he's just some normal guy, we both live in a smallish city, we don't hate each other. i'm sure i'll see him around (preferably not for a while but). i hope he gets better and has a good life but idk he doesn't make my ....soul feel on fire or anything, as stupid as that sounds. right now thinking of him is a weird mixture of sadness and guilt and fondness, like a brother or something?? which is, again, a thought i had while dating him. like what do you call this sort of intimate relationship where i care for you but i don't have romantic feelings and picturing my life solely beside you makes me PANIC

it's not like it would have hypothetically 'worked' w the musician man had he been interested. dating him would have been impossible, he's like actually insane. i spent so much time flipping between love and utter exasperation in the time i was around him a lot like...he wouldn't be able to care for anyone but himself, either

ugh! it's just a lot of stupid thoughts!!!

last night i was turbo baked on my stoop watching the rain and shit and it knocked my birth control induced depression aside for a second and let me think like Happy thoughts. I thought that, despite everything, i was grateful to have finally felt someone love me, someone wanted me and cared for me and that was something i had been wondering if i'd been worthy of my. entire. life. and i had that question answered, finally. a boy loved me, wanted me. ME. 

but he wasn't enough for me

i'm scared nobody will be lmao

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 3:16 PM EDT

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I don't want to do this but it's been a bit over a week and I ought to (???) record some of this for future me cos I know it'll be of interest. Or at least, idk, something to help me remember because feelings are fleeting and I forget a lot of people and my own feelings and I don't WANT this to slip away from me, even if it's not like active in my life I don't want to FORGET any of it. It doesn't deserve it.

And I don't want to forget because I want to keep this feeling of confidence and of self assurance, I don't want to have it fade too far into the background because it will make starting again extremely hard and I've enjoyed feeling like I'm worthy of someone's time.

Okay anyway, we broke up last weekend.

I've gone over this so many times since then with myself, with other people, that I'm already kind of tired of it but again I gotta do this for future me who might sink back into 1) feelings of inadequacy or invalidated self worth, or 2) a thing with him or something since she might forget why it is we ended it lmao. Clearly i have a lot of faith in myself 

This should have happened last week when I was still busted up about it vs now in which i'm just sort of, mostly alright and already thinking ahead ugh

It had probably been coming for a long time, he was insanely depressed and had a lot of PTSD from childhood, his family, his previous relationship. i was just constantly stressed out for him, he had insanely bad luck and was nearly always in some kind of situation, sometimes it was his own fault, sometimes it wasn't. i felt what was like, an obligation to help him sort everything out, all the time, i felt enormous amounts of pity for him, we fought a lot. i was always disappointed in what he was able to offer. it got to the point (honestly this had been true for a while before we ended it) that i wasn't even overly excited to see him, it was just a shrugs sort of thing. i didn't have much to say to him, his general dullness and lack of energy sort of sucked it out of me on top of his generally depressing situation. his family was...hickish. his mother's house was a hoarders house, filthy. i felt bad for him, he wanted more for himself but was too goddamn beaten by life to get it. 

i stuck it out because he had so much *potential* in him to do incredible things. he used to do all these martial arts, had tons of certificates and achievements, but lost motivation to do much about it slowly throughout our time together. he was incredibly in shape when we first started going out but due to various things, deaths in the family, financial distress, etc, he stopped going to gym and working out and lost a ton of weight and started having issues eating and sleeping, he smoked weed like a chimney...he said he would quit smoking for me when we first started going out and he moved onto a vape and didn't stop vaping for the entire 10 months we were togther, and got much worse on it towards the end. 

his diet was horrible, ate like a teenager, which i'm sure didn't help his mood. and not working out like he used to. he absolutely has adhd and needs therapy and through most of our relationship i tried to get him to get medicated and i think that pressure made him feel worse too, but i wasn't going to stick around if it didn't happen cos he was forgetful and showed up late to things and...he tried (sort of) but w no real fervour. the last month after we fought a bunch of times (he accused me of cheating like twice) he put some real effort into finding therapy, etc, but doing that seemed to stress him out even more and he got shittier...we just couldn't find the same level of joy in each other

it was weird to like...acknowledge that he was physically beautiful, like in the body, he had incredible hair, but my attraction was so flip floppy because my attitude and mood towards him was generally neutral-negative, with the occasional happy moment...really fuckin sucks because i don't know that i'll find someone as beautiful as him again, he was proportioned so so well, gorgeous hands, long and lean but not scrawny (though as time went on he got skinnier and skinnier, and grew more self conscious about it, aargh)

we had lots of hobbies in common and i could make him laugh...he was very accepting of me and never said a single mean or offhand thing about my appearance whatsoever. he was only complimentive, was definitely utterly attracted to me and it was enourmously validating and gave me something i'd missed my entire life. confirmation from a dude that i was appealing, that i could be loved

i think he did love me, he said it wayyy too early, but. i also think he was kind of a simple dude, he wasn't very eloquent and we couldn't engage in overly deep conversation and i admit it did bother me. i spent a lot of time wondering, if i was attracted to him and found comfort in him and he cared for me and wanted me back and we got along fine, if that aspect of him could be overlooked, you know? cos all this other stuff was great

except then it slowly wasn't great and so ...that became more of a problem w time. i got embarrassed when he spoke around my family & friends, not because he would say anything BAD...it was just often sort of, basic.

that being SAID i genuinely think that aside from the unmedicated adhd, his years of boxing and fighting have actually rattled his brain a little because sometimes conversing with him was like talking to an alien. he'd continue conversations in the weirdest ways, like adjacent topics but not really along the same track...or he'd use incorrect tones when bringing up a subject or asking a question, it was odd. it resulted in a lot of confusion for me. 

his family was really dull. bumbly country types very typical of the region i live in, something that i've always been, admittedly, kind of a prig about. i hated it growing up, and i still kind of do, and the accent of the region is so deeply unsexy to me and that was something about him i tried very hard to ignore. poor man. but anyway, dull, sloppy people...his mother was particularly odd. very quiet, boring...we'd visit and she'd just, sit there quietly, him too. no dyanism at all. they didn't hug or anything it was so stiff and yeah her HOUSE was violently gross and she never like, cleaned up, two old dogs...

and you know what all of that despite being horrible might have been tolerable but, he was a wreck. it was all just too damn much, probably for us both really but..yeah

i really hope he gets his life sorted out, gets therapy, gets medicated. like genuinely i do, he was a nice person and made me feel good about myself despite everything. i wish him well

initially i was like well maybe we can try again in a few months or something, if you can work stuff out in a timely fashion, but my roommate (bless em) was like yeah no that's a stupid idea and trust me it won't work out, and tbh once i was like..hey sorry no let's actually break up i felt enormously relieved that i wouldn't have to deal with any of that again, despite the fact that i cared about him 

but it made me realize that i was only really there because... he was my boyfriend. i HAD a boyfriend, i had someone to text (not well, tbh, he wasn't the most consistent corresponder), someone to hold, someone to sleep with. company. and that was what i was clinging to. if i loved him, it might have lasted a very short amount of time, it had barely had time to grow before it was sort of shuffled into pity and obligation caring from just, EVERYTHING

there was a period right after the breakup where i was panicking about never finding someone else, that that was it for me, and i realized too that i had been thinking that for months. how sad is that? if someone was with me cos they thought they couldn't do better or find someone else i'd be devastated. so...

it's better that it has ended. i've felt very liberated. i'd been feeling so boxed in and scared for my future and DREADING it, which is so insane, just thinking about being around his family, being at the mercy of his decisions, his inattentiveness, they way he commented about things, the simplicity of it, the deep sadness and all that pity i was so UUHGHG and now i am FREE and phew. phew.

i should also mention that about 5ish months ago i got a birth control implant in my arm and it has done some pretty terrible shit to my mood, admittedly, i've been depressed too for a little while (also on like constant periods, ughhghg, which has hurt my general libido and self esteem)but i hadn't realized how bad it has gotten till my mother suggested it the other day like. oh shit yeah, this is how i used to feel before i started getting medicated for adhd, just, that everything was pointless and futile and dull and stupid and so yeah i've got an appointment to get it out of me and return to a better mood. bc has always made me depressed, each variant of it, but i was really hopeful it wouldn't happen w this version cos the fear of getting pregnant and the annoyance of condoms was making sex casually stressful for me

but so did being on my period all the time despite his (blessed) indifference to it, and my mood being randomly shitty but mostly unenthused, lmao. i'm sure it had its part to play in our relationship ending but truthfully it might have just made it easier to pull the trigger at the end of the day cos there was more than enough from him to justify it even w/out my own depression at play

SIGH. 

i've already been pondering how i'll next go about dating....i really really dislike dating apps, it's so artificial and forced, wondering if/when you'll get feelings on dates, etc, vs just getting to know someone organically in your environment?? but goddamn where do i DO that?? i'm not in school, i work from home...thankfully covid hasn't been as much of a thing but it still WAS this time last year when i started poking around dating apps, i even HAD covid at the start of this year. so it might be easier now on some level but not really...

gonna wait till the new year probably before making a dedicated effort, ought to give myself time to reflect and mourn this and stuff. 

but you know, given that it was my first relationship, 10 months is not bad really. i wasn't happy for the most part during it but haha i proved that i could DO IT. i've proven to myself that i'm desirable, worthy of someone's time and love, someone's dedication, someone's interest. maybe it'll be easier to let someone else in now, maybe it'll just HAPPEN...

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 4:44 PM EDT

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i'm having a hard time with ...emotions

i'm still learning a lot about ADHD and just how much it permeates every aspect of my life, basically, how it is responsible for certain behaviours and qualities that i may possess, and in turn, that HE possesses because he definitely has it too (unmedicated, which, oof)

like. i keep feeling concerned because 1) i'm very easily annoyed, as i have always been, which makes feeling GOOD emotions almost impossible unless the annoyance is dealt with properly and that doesn't always happen. i have a much harder time shedding negative emotions and it sucks when the situation doesn't actually call for that much of a negative emotional response and yet i am sucked into it and quite often cannot escape, ruining an otherwise good time for myself or being unable to pick myself back up. this seems to be an adhd thing, emotional dysregulation, which is like Cool but how can i stop this because it makes me feel like i don't possess good feelings for a thing. like if i'm annoyed or angry or upset i LITERALLY cannot fathom feeling positively towards a person, i don't feel love or friendship or anything else in that moment and if the moment stretches on without resolution i am straight up apathetic like the me that is generally happy is gone entirely, it's fucked up!! but, in addition, 

2) i can't seem to hold onto good feelings anymore? or if i've ever really been able to once a hyperfixation or whatever passes? in the moment i'm fine, i feel all sorts of things, though still it's never really like how i read about how a particular emotion exists for other people. like. i don't....feel, butterflies or whatever w my boyfriend, i don't feel electricity when he touches me but i have never felt these things for anyone. it's almost like, outside of negative emotions my happy emotions are much duller? much less rewarding somehow, or like, my ability to access positivity is limited...my own life doesn't stimulate me as much as fiction can, my brain is seeking the nuance and the depth of what is capable in fiction but fiction isn't REAL and that's the point, i ought to be content with what i have because what i have is frankly really great! i can acknowledge this, but, somehow, i'm...idk, dissatisfied constantly, but i get the feeling i'd be dissatisfied no matter the circumstance or person

i'm obsessed with romance but a romance that isn't real, i'm obsessed with a kind of interpersonal connection that isn't possible. and truly, when i'm with him, i *am* pretty content 

it's just when i'm NOT that i start pouring over bullshit constantly like i can't even trust myself or him

in addition, he has ADHD as well, and he doesn't really like texting or IMing or anything and so my communication with him when i'm not around him is minimal or lackluster and that makes my already wobbly feelings wobblier because they're not reinforced regularly. i feel like an infant but...idk, if i don't talk to him for like a day or two i don't even feel like i'm dating someone, i can think on memories we've made and think about him but most times it's in this disaffected way like he's not even real like i have object permanence issues

thinking back on other relationships i have (friends, family, etc) if i wasn't in semi regular communication with them it was sort of the same deal. my family gets a pass cos i grew up with them and i don't feel the need to talk to them every day (though, i almost do in some shape or form) but my close friend used to chat with me a lot more and now doesn't and it was a really really rough transition for me when they pulled back from being as online. i grew upset and confused and i'm now realizing this is a similar situation. it's not that they don't care for me, cos they do, it's just that this form of communication isn't their thing and in the early days it was easier cos it was fresh and new but they just don't really handle this well, when we're in person they're clingy and sweet and wonderful.....just like my bf. 

i just wish i didn't need it, i hate feeling, dull and disaffected and unwanted. i don't know how to feel okay with it while knowing these people care in their own ways and seeing them is just fine, but i'm afraid of my own apathy towards them without the reinforcement. i stop caring...i'm always the person trying at first to communicate and then when they don't reciprocate after a while i just stop trying and then what do you know i haven't spoken to them in years and years. bf is obviously a different story since i see him several times a week but it's like a micro version of that, even in the few days i don't see him it's like my brain takes off and i'm Alone, i can't care properly. then if my attempts at keeping in contact fall flat (and they do, repeatedly) i get to the point where i'm at now where i just don't try and i don't hear from him at all for like a whole day or two and it's like goddamn please help me stay into this

i guess i just, wish, someone in my life would want to talk to me as much as i repeatedly want to talk to everyone else and why am i so lonely and bad at feeling whole without this constant reinforcement. idk why i have to feel needed 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 10:28 AM EDT

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this is surely some kind of record, once a month for several months in a row,

it's not even like i have anything particularly meaningful to say (as if i ever do lmao) but as i said before i keep feeling a lot and i keep needing to deposit some of the jumble in my head somewhere. i think writing it down helps me analyze it a bit, changes the format of the !!! into something 'constructive' or whatever. 

i've been listening to a book about human (mostly female) sexuality and it's been very helpful thus far in helping me reframe some stuff about all of that in my own head, in a similar way it's both validated and formed the general feelings i've had about sex etc into something coherent, such that i might be able to work on things. sort of feel like it's a "final" puzzle piece to me feeling...whole and normal. and i know sex isn't necessary to feel content but i think it might be for me, or at least, i want to get the most out of it now that i'm having it

if that makes sense

in general there's this impression that everyone is easily aroused and easy to fall in love and easy to please and maybe that IS true for some but. not for this chick, and i guess not for a lot of people. i thought i was a freak genuinely but i just have a tricky set more or less, not impossible to deal with. essentially i just need to better listen to my instincts and take more for myself, the first of which i am typically good at in a general setting but shit at during sex it seems and the second i am shit at in general so, it's about reforming habits and self perception

when i was a little kid, my self image was pretty high. a lot of people told me i was cute and perfect and all this shit and it kind of inflated my ego, and i was pretty shrewd. i'd act certain ways *knowing* it made me cuter and it felt great to have that. and then i grew up and my looks became, i think, something more of a challenge for people in general. my confidence plummeted, due to just, general reception, critiques from my own father, other men, etc. all the while thinking that i wasn't ugly, while there are parts of my body i am less keen on and general health stuff i have to fight constantly, i've never thought i was ...worthless or unlovable. especially given the types that manage to find partners, which sounds fucking wretched and it maybe is a little but our world is a shallow one and i am a participant in it, we all are. the point was, i was, confused maybe by my lack of appeal overall. being tall and not petite and having a less than feminine nose was a killer combination, and yet, i saw men staring. i saw dudes ogling, i got catcalled on the streets. i'm fairly curvy. but i assumed that once they got close or got to know me my appeal was gone, or that while they might be superficially attracted they were probably confused by it and would generally ignore any impulse to try me on and instead would continue to seek the petite, the more feminine. i got the impression i wasn't "wife" material essentially. and a big part of me grew resentful of it, that i was saddled with features that are objectively fucking fine but because of western beauty standards i was less than ideal. it infuriated me

i kind of rolled with that throughout my teens/early 20s. and i gained some weight and any good traits i had and was remotely confident in vanished and i was miserable for most of my 20s. i'm kind of just stream of thought writing rn and might edit this or not who knows 

anyway the last few years my brain did some stuff and was like, actually, this is bullshit and i've had enough of wasting away in self pity and loneliness and this combo effect of 1) getting medicated, 2) losing weight and 3) getting a boyfriend (not all at once obvs this was spread out over 2 years i'd say, i just didn't really register the cause and effect/ trajectory of it all till...maybe right now). my confidence spiked with each of these additions is the point. the ADHD tackled my depression/motivation, the weight loss/healthier eating tackled one decent part of my self image and brought back the things i liked about myself and this relationship has been another generously validating thing. 

he acknowledges and praises and feeds me in ways i was starved for. i struggled for a long time with the awareness that i needed male validation, something women are told to not need or not crave to feel whole and worthy of living and like i don't need it for THOSE things i just, couldn't feel like a desirable creature until i had it and i knew this about myself. maybe it was unhealthy, but i think it was just deeply personal due to my history. i wanted to be wanted, and wanted in a meaningful way. 

he's not the most talkative person, not to say he's silent but he's someone who isn't used to people caring about him/not using him, so getting him to open up is sometimes tricky. and i get the impression that he would grow attached to anyone who would spare him their time in a not shallow way, because in some ways i think he's had the opposite experience. he's a fellow with a lot of physical blessings, and he's been in some shit because of it. people hit on him inappropriately, treat him like a piece of meat essentially. that is to say he's good looking and kind of downplays it in odd ways, he is proud about it in some ways (he works out) but he hunches over and isn't the most outspoken person, like he's trying to diminish his presence and remain unknown. it's an interesting combination. like of course one wants to be attractive and to take pride in one's appearance but if people are constantly trying to take advantage of you or see you as an enemy (men seem to act like dicks to him a lot) ...and he's a bit proud... so his history is full of tussles. he's had to defend himself a lot, fought a fair amount it seems. 

anyway what all that is to say i am filled with a lot of odd feelings, like,

pride at having snagged him because he's kind of a catch (albeit, the downsides atm are that he's in a real rough patch of his life and that has tried my patience a fair amount, to the degree that. had he not stepped up the other day i was a blink away from breaking up with him even though i really, really, really did not want to given that i am genuinely in love with him but. his current predicaments make him somewhat inattentive and there have been a number of times where my time has been wasted and that really annoys me, and if discussing it with him isn't enough i was prepared to step away because i do have pride. but heyo it was fine and i am massively relieved, i just need him to try) (anyway that really derailed this section where i am trying to brag about him haha) ...and i know i'm not ugly but like. you know it's something when you show him to people and they go "wow!" or my friend ryan who was like "please don't take offense but like how did you get this guy" and i am like YEAH I KNOW i'm not offended cos he's right. but the thing is bf is a major goob and softie and i treat him with respect and he's apparently super hot for me so fucking that

all that to say also i feel sort of like. he's dating down with me in certain ways, though i guess, status wise i am dating down by dating him??? idk my roomie has implied as much lmao and yeah in some ways i can attest to being better off financially, and i'm more mature, my shit is definitely more together as a whole. but like. he could do...so much better than me physically if he really wanted to. i'm in decent shape and i have features he seems to love but. he could absolutely get a more beautiful, smaller, attractive thing no problem...so there's pride but also confusion, i have to frequently tell myself not to question his decision in dating me, whether or not i simply arrived at a "good" time in his seeking cos like there are likely so many more attractive people who could be compatible with him, the point is *I* got him, luck, my own merit, whatever

i've lost track of what i was saying, if i was saying anything at all,

i think what i was trying to get at was, this handsome, compatible man likes me and enjoys my company and i make him laugh. and he does this thing where he just stares at me, stares and stares, like i'm not real or something and i just cannot reconcile the intensity of his gaze with ME. it fills my chest with something cottony and warm and makes me want to cry a little and often my squirming makes him apologize for staring but it's like, no, don't stop actually i just don't know how to receive it, i don't know how to process i can't stare at him in the same way for very long though i try there's something too vulnerable in it

having that individual attention is something i cherish. someone wants ME, over anyone else (hypothetically). a man, a dorky hot man. it's just STILL preposterous, somehow !! it's been 4 months! i don't want that feeling to ever go, i don't ever want to take this for granted. not that i'm saying i like him simply because he likes me or that nobody else could ever like me because yes this is proving it is possible, but that's, not the only part. it's just a nice feeling and i don't want to be the same as other people who seem to view someone's interest in them as simply *whatever*, run of the mill normal. 

i'm also still. deep down, the me that existed up until, idk, my mid 20s? the me that would clam up and turn into an stiff asshole around men i thought were attractive or even men i didn't have a personal attraction to and just knew they were attractive by like, society's standards. they deeply intimidated me and i just felt that they didn't see me at all, that i had all the merit of a brick wall. and you know what that's probably still true and i am still ...very afraid and unsettled by most men. but anyway sometime in the last few years i guess i snapped and just started being myself more and truthfully that did seem to...work. WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING but i mean it worked in that it went from Dudes Did Not See Me to Dudes See Me Because I'm Funny But I'm Not Dateable (a la fat female character in a comedy movie)

which idk, is that an upgrade? maybe? i guess so cos then at least i was less of a pill overall if i wasn't really concerned with getting their attention in some sort of datey way even if they weren't someone i wanted to date in particular? god this is some sloppy mess i'm sure it only makes like 50% sense but whatever

ANYWAY 1) bf was. different right from the start even though i was sitting across from him during our first date like *jaw on the floor*, at least through my intense nervousness i was able to. converse and shit (he later said i was awkward but obviously not enough to repel him and i gave him shit for saying i was awkward because frankly so was he and he's still not the greatest at like, initiating conversation). there was something warm and inviting about him even immediately and he's very easy to talk to. possibly it was the immediate realization during the date that despite his looks he was a total dork 

2) possibly because we spoke briefly on tinder first it wasn't like. completely unknown territory and i already knew some basic facts about him (. we talked about anime a bit so like i probably could have anticipated he was dorky but i didn't know the EXTENT of it is the thing, plus games and anime have become rather mainstream)

..my cat just came up and love bombed me, peeling me away from this for a few minutes and upon returning i think i've run out of steam here. truthfully i started this entry like almost an hour ago this shit takes a while to get out. have i said anything? nope. 

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 1:43 PM EDT

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another hot garbage entry but

i feel diseased like i can't stop thinking about him, us. but i'm so happy, i've never felt this sort of thing before. we had a really intense time together the other night that ended in an argument of sorts. it was really awkward and tense (it was my fuckup entirely and it took a lot of patience and coaxing to get him to open up about what was bothering him) and the entire time i was freaking out because, while i had been thinking i'd been working up to love in the last few weeks of us hanging out that i despised him being unhappy (particularly unhappy at me) and i would be genuinely upset if somehow it never recovered and it just HIT me that i was in love with him and god that is a powerful thing to realize

eventually it ended up such that i was effectively sprawled across his chest, so so comfortable, listening to his heart and his breathing and (yes, we were baked but that aside) i had just this moment of nirvana, i didn't think i'd ever felt that happy and comfortable and just, wholly content as i was in that moment. and i was fully PRESENT there, i wasn't thinking about the future or even about the tense time an hour prior to that which is UNUSUAL for me. i have zero ability to just exist in the current moment and relax fully but i was DOING IT. something about him....i was so so happy. obviously emotions get the better of us but i couldn't help but think then that i'd never been so happy, and that even if somehow we didn't work out how blessed i was to have been able to feel that. to let my guard down enough, to know he cared for me too. what a joy! 

i finally understand why people seek this out, why this is so important. my god. i was so lonely for so long and i thought i didn't need it but i guess if you're starved for a nutrient that is critical for happiness but you've lived without it thus far you don't think it's necessary but wow! wow!

i tilted my face up and finally mananged to say those dang 3 words i'd been stewing on for days and he just said it back so simply and i knew that already cos he'd said it first literally two months ago but !!! that! instant rightness that comes from saying it (a vulnerable admission! is it always a vulnerable admission?) and having the intended party reciprocate!! how...grounding.

we went to breakfast the next morning and talked a bit more at length (since we were no longer high and half asleep) which was needed i think cos there was still some awkwardness left over from the previous night's situation and just, by the time that was over we were two stupid giggly blushy fools and i feel like crying right now typing this. i speared some fries off my plate with my hamburger poker thing and he just looks at me with this disbelief and says "you do that too??" and yes, i do, i just don't do it much cos people always make fun and he said that he always got into shit for doing it too and it's just

i don't think i'll ever be able to fully imagine that eternal monogamy is a thing possible for most people, and by that i mean, statistically the odds of two people staying together, happily, for their whole lives is so unlikely. and i am 29 and this is my first boyfriend (oh yes that was established a few weeks ago yeehaw) so like, if i somehow only ever dated this man (and was happy!) that would be some INSANE luck 

what i'm saying is i am trying not to place all of my emotional cards into this, that i maybe should keep a section of my mind on the possibility that this isn't IT to spare myself at least some pain if it doesn't work out but the problem is despite my practicality i am deeply romantic and i don't think i am personally capable of doing this over and over again

i clearly had a hell of a time even getting to this point even ONCE. i don't think i have it in me to love someone this way many times. i hope we are together for some years at least

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 8:37 AM EDT

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roomie's off at their grandparents for family stuff so i have the place to myself for SHENANIGANS and by shenanigans i mean. idk reading my own diary and being able to think about stuff in an open space without fear of being interrupted

it's funny cos i'm home alone constantly but technically it's during work so my brain is half occupied by other stuff, i haven't had much time to just. contemplate without deadline

so today i did something i'd been wanting to do for months and dug into the hallway closet to find my one physical diary (other than the one i currently use) i kept over the years. i'd written in several since i was 12 or so but threw the majority out. i decided to keep the most recent one, a big guy i started when i was 16 and finished when i was 20 and that was the one i wanted to read. i wanted to reflect on my current dating situation and bask in my achievements by reliving the sadness of my youth OKAY??

so i did that and it was great. sad, yeah. i feel so much pain for myself, as stupid as it sounds. it stung reading 17 year old me venting about never having had a boyfriend or never having been kissed and how terrified she was of going to uni that way, only for that to ...continue...for the entirety of my 20s. technically i did go on two dates, when i was 20 and 21, with the same guy and i kissed him on the first date (my first kiss unfortunately) but it was like, i slammed my mouth to his and bolted from the car and did not kiss him on the second date. 

and TECHNICALLY i guess when i was....23? whenever it was when i moved to TO with my current roomie and then roomie (their SO), i kissed both of them one night when we'd been drinking out of curiosity, felt nothing, and never did it again. :) 

so up until a few months ago i'd not actually, really, kissed anyone. that first date w my not-quite-boyfriend (as ive been calling him) was the first time i'd kissed anyone with any actual fervour, not to mention with tongue. at age 29. 

genuinely embarrassing but jesus like. my god. i've been so alone. my whole life i've been so alone and the moments when i'm lying with him listening to him breathe in bed with me, we've just had sex, i'm staring up at the ceiling...the contentedness is unreal. i mean i know post-sex hormones are a thing but he just makes me feel so comfortable and so relaxed and so...idk...right. 

i said this in my written diary but it's like intimacy is necessary?? being close to others, being physical? seems to sate some hunger or some need. it's not like i wasn't aware of that before but it was interesting to be able to directly correlate the lack of something to its source. like every night of my young adult life feeling so desperately lonely, so empty, something was not right, something i wasn't doing. and i kept thinking but obviously i'm not dying, i'm fine, it's only at night that i feel this way, etc. i think i felt worse than i let myself know

i just....didn't want to do it for the sake of doing it. i didn't want that companionship enough to settle or to date blindly. i was so rarely interested in people and still felt that loneliness, that was a really fucking hard thing to reconcile. it was so hard to even get tinder and to even try a date with this man, and somehow, i lucked out massively in that he was interesting enough to push past my hesitations and general inability to tell if i like things, and that he was someone i COULD eventually like. he's so much of what i only dreamed of finding that it freaks me out a little. it's not like he's perfect or that there aren't traits i am not 100% about, it's not that. it's just that they happen to be things i don't mind or things i am okay with dealing with considering the rest, yknow? the rest being stuff i find far more important. highly specific to me, things that if i listed i'd sound insane for even caring about or considering as like deal breakers or whatever. 

i guess it speaks to the depths of my inexperience and general patheticness that i'm just. overwhelmed at the concept of other people experiencing this all the time. what do you MEAN people have...someone look at them, like he looks at me, all the time, everywhere? do people...feel this deeply or think about things this deeply or is it all much easier for them? do they take it for granted? i just. i've always been a sucker for romance in media despite myself and despite the general lack of evidence suggesting actual connection/happiness in couples was a real thing. very rarely did i ever see a couple that actually seemed to love each other...i mean maybe i don't have all the facts and obviously there's stuff couples can't do in the presence of others to indicate their affection cos it's only polite so like my perception could be skewed by social niceties but I DON'T KNOW it really always seemed so fucking bland and like people were just fulfilling ROLES and it looked horrible and sad and i didn't want it if that was what it meant, but in the meantime, i was YEARNING and lonely..

and now obviously in the butterflies/honeymoon stage of a new relationship i'm all aflutter and shit and i get to say all this stuff about others' relationships seeming dull and perfunctionary just because mine is all shiny and spicy and new BUT...i can't shake the feeling that this is still different, he's. more.

we've had a few talks about it too, not very very in-depth considering we're still getting to know each other, but he mentioned apprehension over similar things and that so many people just seem, uninteresting, or like they're just fulfilling roles. he said that ! about relationships! AGAIN i just can't believe my luck

but also...how is anyone supposed to recover from this? i think, part of why i didn't extend myself into dating much was simply because i don't think i have it in me to do this many times. i don't want to share this much of myself over and over, i don't want to reform this sort of connection again and again, as is normal. he looks at me like that, like he can't get enough, like he's so happy to be there with me. i don't want that to fade, i don't want to feel dull again

is it luck, or is it just HIM? is it all like that? i can't believe i found someone so sweet and emotional and hurt and beautiful and dorky, for me, i can tell he's a rare human and if this doesn't work out i'm SUPER FUCKED for having this be my first real relationship, how the hell is someone else supposed to compare

aaaaaaaaaa this is pure garbage this entry but i'm letting myself feel things. i feel things for him and haha zoinks someone feels things for ME

Posted by klunkycompu13 at 4:46 PM EST

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